Coming to the end of myself

As a teacher, I tried to instill repetition into my students. Repetition of task, review of subject matter, and consistency in discipline were ways to help them stay on task, recognize/remember subject matter, and know boundaries/limitations in the classroom.

As a human, I repeat the same failures, hardly study or learn independently, and discipline is vaguely existent in my life. I have to admit the last 4 months have been the most encouraging, challenging, and stretching months in my 26 years.

I've changed some bad habits, made new friendships, strengthened old friendships, made life-altering decisions, made some terrible mistakes, grown in love for God, mistrusted God and taken Him for granted, not followed through on promises, been there when a friend needed me, needed someone to talk to and couldn't find anybody, received encouragement or rebuke when I desperately needed it, and read into things that weren't based on truth.

This past week two friends on two separate occasions gave me the following verses which though familiar hit me like a ton of bricks. God gave me exactly what I needed to remind me that He's sufficient, that I can't rest in myself, and where my confidence must rest.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
Be not wise in your own eyes;
fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.
It will be healing to your flesh
and refreshment to your bones." - Proverbs 3:5-8

At first my mind tried to wrap around the concept that I could trust him by just trying to get there on my own. I could read more and know more about Him. Intellectual assent is not what He wants, but a settled confidence in His care and faithfulness to His Word. Recently, I've been looking to fulfill my own desires and wanting God to rubber-stamp what I want. I've been "wise in my own eyes". I love the last verse of the section because it gives a practical, tangible result to fearing God and trusting in His ways instead of ours, and that result is peace as our will is submitted to His will. As my wants and desires are for Him and Him alone, I will see Him direct and lead not according to my pattern or way of thinking, but in a way only He could have directed. So in occupation, time management, relationships, service, God has to be trusted and believed to be more fulfilling than a wife, more sufficient than the paying off my debt, more pleasurable than fleeting, temporal joys, and more desirable than anything this world can offer.

So, I fall on His mercy to refresh and His grace to release me from guilt. I used to live as though just the results were up to God, but it's a daily, moment-by-moment sacrifice of my will as Romans 12:1 so aptly puts it. I need Him and nothing else, and I know He'll come through on His promise to "make straight my paths" and provided "healing to my flesh" and nourishment to my bones". The question remains if I'll be continually leaning on my own understanding or trusting the one who's given me understanding in the first place. I'm praying for the latter.