I've typed several drafts to this entry in the last couple of months, but haven't pulled the trigger. It may be my indecisive nature or the nagging fear of something not being perfect. I have that fear when it comes to grad school projects when I work and work and toil only to come up with (in my opinion) as second rate work. Halfway through my 3rd & 4th classes, I've yet to receive a grade less than 100%, but I still continue to fret over it. But this should actually be given to another post at another time.
So, what brings me to finally put thoughts into the interweb. I was reminded this week of several inescapable truths that seemed to permeate my thoughts this week. The most prominent thought being striking realization of the spiritual battle that is being waged on a daily basis in my soul and heart. This truth was made evident earlier this week when a friend of mine had a parent/mother-in-law that passed away suddenly. It was and has been definitely hard for the family, but I've seen the body of Christ wrap their arms around them and loving encourage and support them. I've heard of several instances in the past week where God has given opportunities for the gospel to be presented in ways and venues that wouldn't have been possible without this unfortunate tragedy. I've heard of people asking pointed questions and contemplating God/spirituality/church/scripture who would have otherwise mocked or scorned the mention of it weeks or days before.
I used the words "seen" and "heard" for a poignant yet disturbing purpose because I was not a part of that "active body life" this week. When a family needed encouragement, love, support, grace, and comfort, I was no where to be found. I purposely drove to the church where the visitation was held on Wednesday night to go inside then saw myself not stop the car and keep on driving. The maddening selfishness of my spirit was like bile in my throat. I was/am disgusted with the way that I ignored the Spirit's prompting to satisfy the "easyness" of not embrace community. The insane aspect was my struggle all day over this issue and how I made a "snap" judgment to ignore fellowship around the gospel. One of my initial thought on Wednesday morning was "I wish I could go, but I have school tonight" which was quickly countered with "But class will be over by 8ish and the visitation goes until 9". The battle continued..."I haven't been actively engaging in this relationship/fellowship recently with the family who was affected by the tragedy" which was knocked down by "But you are the church, the redeemed/adopted child of God, and need to be there". This continued from flesh to spirit all day until I decided while sitting in my Instruction & Tech class that I would go and be there for them, fellowship and comfort, pray for and pray with.
Then, I got in the car surprisingly (but not surprisingly, the dialogue continued) and "it's late" and "you haven't eaten yet" and "you're wearing jeans & sandals" and "you really should work on the group project due next week" popped in my head in rapid succession. By the time I drove up to the church, I'd done a complete 180 degree turn to listening and succumbing to the mounting doubts and temptations. Now, I'm writing not just to proclaim my insanity or make it sound like I have voices in my head (well, kinda, but not really), but to share what God benevolently taught and is teaching me now through it.
I screwed up...yes. I failed at ministering grace this week....yup. I gave into doubt & temptation and in the proccess, sinned...definitely. The accusations and doubts of the tempter & my flesh conflicted with my soul & the prompting of the Spirit. I chose to rest in chains of self instead of the freeing, liberating power of a life in tune with God. I doubted the sufficiency of the gospel by not seeing it as preeminent and seeing my momentary gratification as tantamount.
But God was faithful to remind me through reading, praying, worshipping, sermons/podcasts, and encouragement even this morning through a several hour conversation with friends that His finished work on the cross does not lead me to succumb to guilt over past mistakes. The law says "do, do, do" while the cross says "done". I thought the momentary reprise of an awkward situation would be more satisfying than relishing in the hope of the gospel over one of the saints being called home by the Father. I'm holding a weight over myself that the Father doesn't hold against me. The "old man was crucified with him, that the body of sin might be done away, that so we should no longer be in bondage to sin; 7 for he that hath died is justified from sin." (Rom. 6:6-7) He is not displeased with me. He loves and cherishes me in spite of me. I'm reminded of how much He's given so that I don't have to experience spiritual death. He draws me to himself to refine and shape and strengthen my weakness, and my heart is overflowing with gladness and gratitude for the redeeming love that I did nothing to earn.
So, how does this apply today? What do I take away from this instance of weakness then remembrance of the Savior & repentance of sin? God redeemed and adopted me because it gave Him infinite pleasure to be glorified in and through a hopeless sinner being miraculous brought from eternal damnation to everlasting life. So, I am and can be today satisfied with God alone. If I hold on to guilt over forgiven sin, I'm stating that Christ's purchase of me and atonement for my sin debt is of none effect. So, I rest in the Father's work, cherish the Son who restored that fellowship with the Father, and engage with and ask for the Spirit to empower my thinking and guard my heart against doubt.
A certain song has been rushing through my head the past few days and especially today. It was actually referenced in a sermon on "Jesus in the Wilderness: Driven, Tempted, Served" given at Grace Bible this Sunday that so aptly prepared the hearts of a congregation that would be affected by tragedy this week. I love the following phrasing in the first verse (hence the title of this entry): When Satan’s accusations make my poor heart afraid, I hear my King declaring “Father, that debt is paid!” . How can you not rejoice with me? Here's "Jesus, My Only Hope in it's entirety:
I come into Your presence
With nothing in my hands
I only bring thanksgiving
For Jesus, God and Man
I cast myself on mercy
I cast myself on love
I trust Your gracious promise
To wash me with Your blood
I will not fear Your judgment
For me no wrath I dread
For it was spent on Jesus
Poured out upon His head
When Satan’s accusations
Make my poor heart afraid
I hear my King declaring
“Father, that debt is paid!”
CHORUS
Jesus my only hope
My only plea
My righteousness
My Great High Priest
Who intercedes for me
Before the throne
Jesus, I trust in You alone
Though I am poor and naked
Your prodigal come home
You place Your robe upon me
Your holiness alone
Though I be dry and barren
By grace this love springs forth
Love for You and Your Kingdom
Joy in Your glory, Lord
I Hear My King Declaring "Father, that Debt is Paid"
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My life is not my own, but
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Saturday, October 16, 2010
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