Recently, I've been reminded that I struggle between reality and fantasy. By fantasy, I don't mean a mystical world of wizards, warlocks, and furry-footed hobbits, but grappling with my own flurry of imaginative disarray which leads to reading between the lines. It's a frightening thing when we let our mind get the best of us. We allow ourselves to build up a false reality that must be more "real" than what we're actually interacting with on a regular basis.
I tend to "read into" things on a regular basis especially when it comes to relationships or potential relationships. I think past what is being said to the implied meaning or I accept the "reading between the lines" as equal or greater to what's being said. When someone says they need time to think or don't have the time, I jump to the conclusion that I'm unimportant or being slighted (because in my "fantasy" world, I'm also king).
In my fantasy world, my opinion seems to be the only one that matters but not really. I crave the opinions, accolades, attention, and approval of every subject in my "land of make believe". If you feel differently, I will pout and seek the consoling respite of one of my subjects. I will lavish on them the bountiful travesty of my plight and how I was slighted, misused, abused, and scorned (again, all in my head). And my loyal subjects will heartily agree that my pain & hurt has been "unjustly" poured out on me which leads me to "justly" resent, backbite, slander, and react often with malice and ill-intent. To secure my kingdom and keeping the borders safe from outside attack, an electronic letter or message of mobility will be sent to the potential usurper of my pride.
Ironically, my castle walls still fall down and my pride comes rushing from it's dwelling place in the dungeon to rear it's dastardly head breathing out continuing sobs of pity and emotional contrition. My pride has been dashed against the rocks and wails in anguish, but it is sadly never defeated. I still reign on the throne of my heart and be careful that you don't encroach on my kingdom of self because in my world there is little room for outsiders.
Basically, I'm a horribly, wretched person that sways from degrees of pride to self-adulation and aggrandizement to pitiful, self-loathing debauchery. Sin tries to reign and recently, I've let it. My degrees of discerning the reality from the fiction has cost me dearly in relationships.
But I can't leave here without hope and as Paul when he came to the end of Romans 7 wrestled with the insanity of his wretched soul, I have the same hope even though it often is clouded by my mystical realm of me.
"21I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22I love God’s law with all my heart. 23But there is another powere within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? 25Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin." NLT
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2 comments:
Ugh, that was painful to read. Because I do exactly the same thing.
It was painful (but freeing) to write...not sure if i should be encouraged or have pity on you bc you do the same thing as me...lol.
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