A Love/Hate Relationship

Prologue:
I wrote this entry...then a friend tweeted this quote by Tim Keller "Do you think the opposite of love is hate? No! The opposite of love is fear...fear is self-centered. Love is self-giving." So, for sake of time, it would be more apropo to substitute most of the "hate" with "fear"...maybe...you'll get the idea (when I don't love, I'm self-absorbed and often act out of fear). Now, on to the original entry:


Grad school,

goodbyes,

my students at times,

this blog,

what are things I have a love/hate relationship with...ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!

What's crazy is I originally had God on this list but took Him off. Why? To save face for those out in the interweb. To not admit that I may not say it, but live as if I "feel an extreme aversion for"...thank you Dictionary.com. I love God, but at times I don't live like I do...I hate that about me!

I love grad school. Overall, I enjoy my profs. I've made good friendships and have built on old ones. I usually don't mind the work, but I've been relatively apathetic this semester (and it's shown at times...to me at least). I've always been the perfectionist when it came to school work, but that's taken a back seat recently to procrastinating on grad work...I hate that about me. I've counted it up and this week alone I've spent over 30hours on grad projects, papers, article/journal reviews, etc. for projects that are due...this week (and one big final project due next Wednesday). I've spent most of a gorgeous spring Saturday finishing up that one, big final project...I hate procrastinating. It reminds me that I'm human. It reminds me that I'm selfish. It reminds me that I'm not ambitious like I was before.

I hate goodbyes. I've thought a lot about my dad this week...cried a couple of times because I'd like to talk with Him and can't...mainly because He just listened. He never judged or held me in contempt. He would often question, but He did it because he cared and I knew he did. He was straight with me..especially the last couple of years of His life, and it pains me that He's not here anymore. Today, I drank several cups of tea from the moose mug that I got Him several years ago in MT (and found sifting through his belongings after the funeral...it's my new favorite). But, I love that He's been united with His God...there's hope in Christ's death & resurrection. I love that.

Sometimes, I can't stand relationships...the one's with the ladies that is (I know that this wasn't one, but it's been on my mind). I love the newness of them...the getting to know somebody, their likes/dislikes, their quirks, dreams, aspirations, the quality time when quantity is not an option. I love the growth of them...the learning how to manage time, wanting to share more, learning to trust somebody else with my affections, learning to truly love, not being scared to let somebody love you back & gladly letting your heart be pulled at it's strings by another person.

But, I hate:

"I'm just not that into you's",

"I need to break up with you's", and

"you'll find somebody else's".

I'm not a big fan of giving so much of myself for it not to be ultimately reciprocated. I love the risk of putting myself out there...but hate the rejection that's come from it so far. I hate myself for being so willing to trust, but I think it's also one of my best qualities (and I'm grateful to God for that). I love that my initial reaction to the breakup was so healthy knowing that God allowed it to happen for his purposes and glory, and even though it didn't go the way I thought it would...I was okay because I knew God was worthy to be trusted. I hate that my trust in God's timing, purposes, and direction in that area was short lived. It almost seems like my trust in His purposes was a facade because I really wasn't okay with it...still am not. I've wrestled with God a lot about it over the past couple of months. I've questioned and doubted and overthought and questioned again.

Recently, I came to the end of myself...again. I thank God for His pursuance of me. I don't know what I'd do without it. A friend said this the day after she broke up me...I think it was meant to be a comfort, but at the time it didn't mean that to me. Of a recent relationship of his that ended he said, "I had to realize that what it all boils down to is she didn't like me for me." When it comes down to it, relationships are a preference...they really are. I may say I love you, but that love is a choice. I prefer vanilla over chocolate ice cream. Now, that doesn't mean I don't have chocolate every so often, but when it comes down to an ultimate choice I have to go with my gut. She did and has moved on. I needed to. Now, what in the world does "moving on" look like? I don't think it means finding somebody else...now, statistically speaking I have a 90% chance of getting married someday (so I will "move on" with someone someday). I think it starts with being content with where God has me and with who He's making me to be.

I've struggled to trust Him, but in the last couple of weeks He's brought me back around. I still doubt at times...I hate that about me. But, I know that my relationship with Him is not built on what I do or who I am, but what Christ did for me & who He says I am. So, I will question...I will doubt. I will wonder what could of been...there will be "baggage" of sorts because you carry those feelings, expectations, and hurts with you (how you let them affect you and another person makes all the difference). I hope that I'll be willing able to share feelings...just not early on...pretty sure I scared the last one away with this. It's funny...because I think she thought I was farther along then her, but in reality I wasn't. I liked her and I wanted to pursue her toward the end result of marriage, but I was not in a rush. It's funny how a lack of proper communication of feelings/perceptions of one another can make people anxious/afraid so they'll flee rather than talk about them. I wish she could have seen me for me rather than her perception of me...ah well. I still miss her...some days more than others. I still pray for her often, and will continue for a while I'm sure. It is hard to stop caring when you love someone. This may sound crazy, but I would still take her back in a heartbeat if she wanted...I'm not sure if I love or hate that about me. I may not want to move on, but I need to.

So, I'll continue to move on...not in my own strength, but trusting in the Father's. Someday, I may find somebody who will love the Father more than me, love people, love the church, give of herself to see others find joy in the Savior, care for the little ones like Christ did, and it'd be nice if this one liked me for me and not just the "idea of me". So, I'm thankful for the Spirit's continual prodding of my heart to make me discontent with my discontent. I'm thankful for the relationships that I do have, and the people God's placed in my life. I'm thankful for my family who loves me no matter what (just wished they lived closer). I'm thankful for the dating relationship that I did have for those few months...she brought me so much joy, God brought me closer to Him, and He's showing me so much more about Himself through it all and made me love Him more for it (that's all I could have ever asked for). I'm also thankful that eharmony doesn't get rid of your info once you close out an account...definitely saved me some time in not having to set up a new profile :)

Countdown to Good Friday - Part Sei (A Good Friday Indeed)

Spending the day reading, meditating, and reveling the gospel...a good Friday indeed. What that day must have been like almost 2,000yrs ago? What people thought about Jesus? What people went about their "everyday" lives hardly taking notice of the commotion? What people couldn't be bothered by what was going on in the city that day? What people thought when going to market that morning finding hoards of people transfixed on one man carrying his cross of execution through the winding streets? What people were inconvenienced in their daily lives by Jesus that day?

It makes me ponder and reflect on how people view Christ today. "Oh, He's a good guy", "He taught people how to show love and care then people killed Him for it", or "He had a good message, but He wasn't God". Oh God, how much they doubted then...how much more they doubt now. God, open the eyes of people today and bring them to you! Enlighten the eyes, melt the hearts of stone, and draw masses of people to you today. This weekend, the world looks toward the Christian church. Some people get days off work, tv and radio news give brief descriptions of today's happenings, and many people actually darken the doors of local churches.

Oh, God that you would be made much of. Help people to see why today is such a "Good" day! God bring many people to yourself in this city. Use your word to impact hearts in Philadelphia. Use the mobility of your saints in the Northeast to bring people to commune with your church today and Sunday.

Reflecting on the reading for tonight's service, working on intonation of the words for a public gathering, and becoming freshly affected by the words of the prophet in the Old Testament. God gave Isaiah many glimpses of what is and what is to come, and his words resonate the tragedy that was Christ's unlawful treatment and the beauty of the Father's purpose in "crushing His Son".

3 He was despised and rejected by men;
a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief;
and as one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

4 Surely he has borne our griefs
and carried our sorrows;
yet we esteemed him stricken,
smitten by God, and afflicted.
5 But he was wounded for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and with his stripes we are healed.
6 All we like sheep have gone astray;
we have turned—every one—to his own way;
and the Lord has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.

7 He was oppressed, and he was afflicted,
yet he opened not his mouth;
like a lamb that is led to the slaughter,
and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent,
so he opened not his mouth.
8 By oppression and judgment he was taken away;
and as for his generation, who considered
that he was cut off out of the land of the living,
stricken for the transgression of my people?
9 And they made his grave with the wicked
and with a rich man in his death,
although he had done no violence,
and there was no deceit in his mouth.

10 Yet it was the will of the Lord to crush him;
he has put him to grief;
when his soul makes an offering for guilt,
he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days;
the will of the Lord shall prosper in his hand.

Now, I'd encourage you to read it again or if you're like me sometimes with blogs and you tend to skim/skip scripture passages, read it...really read it. Don't let the words become too familiar. Yea, you might have heard it before, but take it in, drink it in, and don't leave this page unaffected by truth.

Now that you've read it...or read it again. I'd encourage you to pray. Pray for God to help you see Christ as the all-satisfying atonement for your sin. Pray for God to melt you heart to be freshly affected by the truth of the gospel today. Pray for yourself to not be made much of today, but God. Pray for God to remind you throughout today of what He's done for you, and how that should not only affect you, but how you interact with e-v-e-r-y one around you. Pray for God to open eyes and bring people to himself. Pray for local churches around the world that they would proclaim the truth of the gospel today and this weekend.

Now take a minute...read the passage again. No, I'm serious...it's only eight verses...how much of your time could it really eat up? You're probably going to waste 60 seconds messing around with your favorite app later today anyway...so take a moment to pause, reflect, and thank God for the greatest news that you could ever be given. There's hope for sinful people like you...thank God for that. There's hope for that sinful person that you think is outside of grace...thank God for that. There's hope to live out our days in light of Christ's once-for-all atoning sacrifice...oh, thank God with me for that!

I've been long-winded, but thank God for long-windedness over grace. Here's a great song we sang a couple of weeks ago at Grace & are singing on Sunday too. He truly is the Saving One...from sin and self when we are least deserving of it. Oh, and CRANK THIS BABY UP!!

Countdown to Good Friday - Part Five (Sufficiency in the Sacrifice)

Reminded last night of the freedom that comes from transparency, the care that comes from community, and the comfort that comes from the Savior. Last night in care group, I was graciously prompted by the Spirit to share where I'm struggling...have been struggling for the past few months to rest, trust, revel, and rejoice in God. I've been despondent, depressed, weary, confused, and apathetic at best. A blue funk of sorts with heaps of self-pity and downheartedness seemed my lot. I have been cast down not believing "that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living!" (Ps. 27:13).

Doing so much in my own strength and not resting in the sufficiency of Christ. Trusting in myself to do it all...pulling myself up by my proverbial bootstraps. I've seen how miserable it can be to try to do it on my own. Confessing this complacency last night was a step. Many days it's felt like one step forward and two steps back. Why can I not seem to move on, make progress, or be satisfied in Christ alone?

Working with Grace4Kids, I hadn't heard Dan's message on Sunday, but listening to it this morning my heart was racked by my propensity to be self-sufficient. From Mark 6, Jesus gives us a perfect picture of one deriving His sufficiency from the Father. If anyone had the right to be self-sufficient, Christ did. But, He chooses to succumb to the will of the Father every time. The disciples are on the sea fighting a nasty wind, and Jesus who stayed behind to pray walks on the water to pass by them. The disciples freak out...they don't get it...they don't cry out to God, but are terrified. The disciples' "assumed self-sufficiency has shown itself to be insufficient, and they are hard-hearted. They are blind to the fact that grace, power, and enablement has undeservedly come to them in Jesus. Oh, they obey him. They move at his bidding, but their self-sufficiency blinds them to see their need for His divine grace, His divine help."

I've been putting my head down and plowing ahead through difficult times. His sufficiency is often shown in my weakness, but am I seeing that? Situations caused me to doubt where my source of hope in painful situations lies. The message continued and rocked me harder

"So, where are you at in the midst of the difficulties of your life? Are you putting those self-protected strategies into place? Are you reclining back in your security bubble? Know this, we were never created to live this life alone. We need a Savior. And thankfully, God has not left us alone. He has sent Jesus, His Son, to enter our world to identify with our weakness and endure weakness. His Son endured the ultimate suffering so that in our suffering we are not alone. Suffering and difficulty become now the occasion for Christ to be made great in our lives as His sufficiency is put on display through the weakness of our lives. This means that obedience to Jesus might result in suffering, yes. In other words, God may not release you or relieve you from suffering, but he will refine you in the midst of it. He will exercise your faith to rest in his all-sufficient grace. Suffering is not a lose-lose situation. It's a win-win situation with Jesus."

I could type out the rest because it was so apt and weighty on my heart. Christ is all-sufficient so why am I trying to do it on my own? Why am I not seeing Christ? Because, my eyes are focused on my circumstances. My heart is set on "what I need to do" to get over pain and hurt. God solved my hurt problem at the cross. He took all pain and discomfort and sin and heartache laying it on His shoulders to obey the will of the Father. God, as tears fall on my keyboard, let me not leave this moment unchanged. Make your self great to me today. Remind me of what you showed me in Scripture yesterday morning in Ephesians 1:3-14. Lord, I'm struggling to believe it...help my unbelief

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory."

Countdown to Good Friday - Part Quad (Were You There)

Reminded today of the gravity of my helpless plight. My sin and it's culmination of utter damnation was removed by the Father through the Son's atonement. Thank God for the crushing of His Son to fulfill the will of the Father. Here's a good reminder by Shai Linne from his Atonement album called "Were You There?"



This story starts at the climax, we find that time's lapsed- don't mind that
It's kind of like a night cap filled with divine acts
We zoom in the lens on Christ's agony on the garden
Doomed for His friends- His tragedy for our pardon
Foreseeing the Father's cup of wrath has Him stifled and weak
He's sweating blood with His disciples asleep
The Prince of Peace knows the beef shall increase
Since the thief approaches with the soldiers and the chief priests
His arrest is not just- neither is the trial
While Jesus is being treated foul, He sees Peter's denial
He's sent to Pilate, to Herod, back to Pilate
The violence of humanity at its finest

So now He stands before the crowd doomed to die
An angry mob who's yelling out "crucify"
The way they treat the Lord of glory is debased and it's foul
But you miss the point if you don't see your face in the crowd

Were you there when they crucified my Lord?
Were you there? Were you there? (4x)
Man, sometimes it causes me to tremble
Yo, sometimes it causes me to tremble

This story starts at the climax, we find that time's lapsed- don't mind that
It's kind of like a night cap filled with divine acts
We zoom in the lens on Christ's agony in the garden
Doomed for His friends- it had to be for the pardon
And delivery from misery of kids who speak wickedly
Sinfully, inwardly slick with the iniquity
We see disciples sleep and mock today with a lot to say
But we do the same thing when we don't watch and pray
Like Judas, we sell Christ out to get the treasure
Whether it's the cheddar or forbidden pleasure
Like the chief priests, we want Christ to surrender
But we want Him out the way when He doesn't fit our agenda
Like Peter, we have misplaced, fleshly confidence
But we'll deny the Lord when faced with deadly consequence
Like Herod, we're curious about Christ because He's famous
But we quickly get bored with Him when He doesn't entertain us
Like Pilate, we see Christ and find nothing wrong with Him
But when the world chooses the wicked, we go right along with them
Despite His kindness, we seek to do our Maker violence
The fallenness of humanity at its finest

So now He stands before the crowd doomed to die
An angry mob who's yelling out "crucify"
The way they treat the Lord of glory is debased and it's foul
But you miss the point if you don't see your face in the crowd
Were you there when they crucified my Lord?
Were you there? Were you there? (4x)
Man, sometimes it causes me to tremble
Yo, sometimes it causes me to tremble

This story starts at the climax, we find that time's lapsed- don't mind that
It's kind of like a night cap filled with divine acts
We zoom in the lens on Christ's agony on the garden
Doomed for His friends- His tragedy for our pardon
Foreseeing the Father's cup of wrath- it has Him stifled and weak
He's sweating blood with His disciples asleep
The Prince of Peace knows the beef shall increase
Since the thief approaches with the soldiers and the chief priests
His arrest is not just- neither is the trial
While Jesus is being treated foul, he sees Peter's denial
He's sent to Pilate, to Herod, back to Pilate
The violence of humanity at its finest
So now He stands before the crowd doomed to die
An angry mob who's yelling out "crucify"
The way we treat the Lord of glory is debased and it's foul
Ashamed, I bow because I see my face in the crowd

Countdown to Good Friday - Part Tres (Being the Gospel)

Being the gospel...what does that look like on a Tuesday evening? What does it mean to love in word and deed during the Passion week? What does it mean to share and what constitutes a successful gospel conversation?

I could rack my brain about what that looks like, but I was reminded today that it's just being with people and sharing what's everything to me. When people ask what I do or who I am, I should echo Peter's exhortation to

"in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander."(1 Peter 3:15-16)

I can't handle people's perceptions but be faithful to what God is calling me to do. I love that people starts vs.15 by saying "in your hearts revere Christ as Lord". That's really it isn't it? If I'm not seeing Christ as Lord, I'm viewing something else as more important like people's perception of me. If I'm viewing my status as more important, I'm degrading the deity of Christ. But on the other hand if I'm with Peter and revering Christ as Lord in my heart then I'm not afraid to answer everyone who asks me about why I have hope in Christ.

I was reminded of that today when I was at Six Flags. I know...grad school is great because you get to pick your own ideas for field trips and take them! So, I had a few opportunities which I'm grateful for to share a little about this great hope that I have in me. To give reason for why I'm in Philly, why I'm in education, why I believe what I believe to 3 other classmates who were confined in a car during an hour-long trip...God is sovereign for these little opportunities to make Him great. Talking about sports and class stuff is great, but if I don't take those opportunities when they come then I'm saying Christ isn't Lord, that He isn't enough to take away their sin, and they don't need Him when they desperately do. Thank God for unsquandered opportunities.

Thank God for great coffee too and great conversation. One of my favorite new spots in the city is Mugshots in Fairmount Park across from Eastern State Penitentiary. They have a great selection of drinks and an array of organic, free-range chicken/turkey wraps, and homemade items. Seriously, I recommend the Capone wrap or original bagel with homemade veggie cream cheese w/a vanilla latte...divine! Loved getting to talk to other believers who came in tonight to have a bible study/resource night in seeing how they are perceived in the community and how they are reaching out. Great to see others having similar visions for their part of the city.

Another couple of good songs...take a listen!

He is Jesus (one of my all-time favs...He's a treasure surpassing all others and worthy to be shared with all!)


Made Us Alive (another Village Church one that's a great reminder of who we now are in Christ because of what He did for us!)

Countdown to Good Friday - Part Deux (Wondrous Love)

Sometimes you just have to be reminded that Jesus covers our mistakes. Like accidentally deleting this post, then having blogger crash on me and thinking it was autosaved, and it wasn't. So, I'm grateful for the week off so I can spend time, reading about and reflecting on God's gracious gift, working on grad work, spending time with friends, and just taking in moments because that's all I have is this moment now. Grateful for friends who will shake off playoff hockey to play basketball for an hour. Grateful to God for the ability to run 4.5 miles on 4 different occasions in the past week...pretty sure that's the first time that's ever happened (and for YouVersion who updated their app to include vocal recordings of most of their English translations...it was a blessing during my 5mile run tonight (though I was slightly distracted by the Pacers as well:))

So, honestly I'm just thankful that God is greater than my sin, my failures, me. He loves and cares even when I'm a complete mess. He gives and gives though I could never repay Him nor would I try because that would be an afront to His free gift of grace. I could never earn it, and I'm grateful. I could never pay the debt, and I fall deeper into debt to grace each moment of each day.

I'm grateful for music that expresses my thoughts and feelings toward a great God. I'm grateful for churches (GBC being one of them) who write and make music that bottles those expressions of gratefulness and appreciation through various styles and forms. So, I'm going to be sharing this week some of my favorite songs relating to the awesome and awful torture of my God and King hoping you can rejoice with me.

From Mars Hill's Good Friday service last year, I love this rendition of a long-standing hymn which eminates the feelings and despair of a wretched and depraved soul who has nothing outside of the Wondrous Love of a Saviour.

What Wondrous Love is This?


And from The Village Church in Dallas...this just came out a few weeks ago, and I'm so grateful. I know that I'll be sharing more in the next few days because it's stellar in the truth expressed...enjoy!

In My Place

Countdown to Good Friday - Part 1 (G.O.S.P.E.L.)

This week will be full and empty at the same time. I want to take time to reflect, meditate, and ask God to make the gospel more evident to me today. Reading through the gospel accounts leading up to Friday & Sunday allowing myself to become more aware of that gift. That gift that I often overlook or make to be smaller than it is.

Praying that God is more real to me in this moment than the last. Praying that the vision of Him would mean the death of myself. Thankful for the gift and thankful for the many ways to express that gift. Here's one that I've shared through different media.

Chasing the Wind

sitting on the roof reading Ecclesiastes this morning, I was struck afresh with the brevity of this existence. Brevity that breathes passion; brevity that breeds reflection; brevity begetting levity. An "eat, drink, and be merry" attitude (1 Cor 15:32) that lives and dies in the moment. No thought for the future, no recognition of affections being set on things above, no cogitation of the finished work of Christ on the cross, and no consideration of the sealing work that the resurrection induces.

A realization of our finite existence can lead to a lascivious lifestyle. Outside of Christ, our life's are nothing more than, at best, meaningless attempts at fulfilling a higher purpose which are in reality engulfing waves of our inner self-gratification surrounded in a cloud of damning hedonism. Nothing without Christ; Everything in Christ.

Even in Christ, sometimes I see myself "chasing the wind". Seeking material over immaterial, the fleeting over the fulfilling, or momentary pleasure over "joy unspeakable and full of glory".

So, I'm freshly affected this morning by Solomon's words. There's definitely some slight hyperbole in his pen, but the gravity of the truth is unmistakable.

13 I applied my mind to study and to explore by wisdom all that is done under the heavens. What a heavy burden God has laid on mankind! 14 I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

15 What is crooked cannot be straightened;
what is lacking cannot be counted.

16 I said to myself, “Look, I have increased in wisdom more than anyone who has ruled over Jerusalem before me; I have experienced much of wisdom and knowledge.” 17 Then I applied myself to the understanding of wisdom, and also of madness and folly, but I learned that this, too, is a chasing after the wind.

18 For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
the more knowledge, the more grief.

Ecc 1:13-18

I think I'll take a page from his book. We see it, we feel it, we know it, but often we don't live it. God has fashioned us, designed us, rescued us, and redeemed us for something greater. Words can't seem to express the enlightening graciously given by the Spirit and experienced this morning while moseying through the wisdom literature.

Coupled with this song by The Ember Days (which again providentially found today) that expresses the heart of the redeemed sinner who desires something more...something tangible...something out of his instinctive grasp...something divine.



"Chasing the Wind"

I’m discontent with chasing the wind
I want to feel more than air on my skin
Like the tide feelings come and go
Here today gone tomorrow

I want love, I want You
So take this beaten heart
And let it beat for You

I’m scared, yeah I’m scared
Only You know how I feel
When I say I don’t want to feel anything but love
True love, true love

Watch me bloom cause soon I’ll wither
But Your love lasts forever
Like the sun life is beautiful
When I rise and when I fall

Here we go again

I started listening to Darrin Patrick after hearing him at PLANT! two weeks ago. I started reading "Church Planter: The Man, The Message, The Mission" a couple of days ago too. I started downloading the Journey podcast a while ago, but started listen to it last week. God has definitely used it to deconstruct & reconstruct my thinking. To continue to get my focus off myself and back on the Savior which leads to reaching people.

Which leads to another sermon that's smacked me upside the head. As I was running late last night, the next message in the "Darkness Into Light" series was entitled "Getting Your Eyes Off Yourself". I was familiar with the text when I saw it come up on the screen & kinda knew what I was in for...but not really. Grateful for God using men like Darrin to speak truth. Oh to God that I would be a conduit of grace & not a cul-de-sac of intake. Glad to know that I haven't arrived & God's still working to shape, refine, & redefine me.

Love this text...it hits home:

"So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men." (Phil 2:1-7)

Back to the Drawing Board

Seriously, God continues to reach down deep to rip out the roots of who I am. It hurts, but it's a good pain. To be honest, it doesn't feel like it right now, but I know it will be.

So, in the area that I thought I was doing well...contentment...this rang true."Therefore, whoever thinks he stands must be careful not to fall!" (1 Cor. 10:12)

God was gracious to bring me across this message by Darrin Patrick...around minutes 28-31 were a huge smack in the face to where I'm at. And 34-38 are great reminders of who Christ is, and who I am in Him. Good stuff & grateful for the Spirit's purging today.

Fresh Affection Broods in an Evening Run.

Halfway through my 2.5 mile run tonight on the all to familiar loop around my house, the rain starts. Providentially, my earbuds start ringing out "What can wash away my sin? Only the blood of Jesus. What can make me whole again? Only the blood of Jesus. Nothing can for sin atone. Only the blood of Jesus. Nothing good that I have done. Only the blood of Jesus. Oh Great God. Blessed Redeemer. Merciful Savior You are. Oh Great God. King of Creation. Hope of the Nations You are. This is all my hope and peace. Only the blood of Jesus. This is all my righteousness. Only the blood of Jesus."

As the rain falls around me like a wave rushing the shore, a fresh awareness of grace engulfs me. As the beat resounds in my ear while methodically my feet plod the pavement, my heart starts beating rapidly with a renewed vigor. God has a great purpose. For his kingdom, for the world, for this city, for me, and I'm here in this city and on this block because God providentially designed it for his glory and my good. Ian preached it this morning, but the realization didn't resonate until a few minutes ago. To reach the unreached, to live life where I'm at, and be/share the gospel with those around me...God is glorified in the going of his disciples whether or not anybody receives the message. Much to ponder, much to chew on and digest, a greater mission to respond to, and a great God to make much of.

Thankful

Thankful for Love. Thankful for Grace. Thankful for Mercy that Lighted on My Face. Thankful for Herbert. Thankful for Poetry. Thankful for Piper who tweeted one of my favorites to remind me.

LOVE (III)
by George Herbert

Love bade me welcome, yet my soul drew back,
Guilty of dust and sin.
But quick-ey'd Love, observing me grow slack
From my first entrance in,
Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning
If I lack'd anything.

"A guest," I answer'd, "worthy to be here";
Love said, "You shall be he."
"I, the unkind, the ungrateful? ah my dear,
I cannot look on thee."
Love took my hand and smiling did reply,
"Who made the eyes but I?"

"Truth, Lord, but I have marr'd them; let my shame
Go where it doth deserve."
"And know you not," says Love, "who bore the blame?"
"My dear, then I will serve."
"You must sit down," says Love, "and taste my meat."
So I did sit and eat.

Thankful for George Herbert who was born on this day in 1593. Look up his works, and surely you will be blessed.

Sabbath Hopes

I'm notoriously lazy on Sundays. Rarely do I ponder or reflect before a service. Sometimes I'll read, but my heart is not often bent toward the Spirit afterward. It's been a while since I've really chewed on and meditated on the Word before a Sunday worship service.

I was looking forward to two services at Grace for several reasons. God's growing and shaping the body, bringing people to Himself, and two services opens up opportunities to reach even more people with the gospel on a Sunday morning. Also, I was looking forward to more visitors coming especially at the later service...one of the main reasons I chose to start going to this service.

Knowing the procrastinating tendency of my heart, I knew an 11:30 start time would probably get me focused on the Savior, heart on the word and others, and affections bent toward service. Well, today's the first day of that and hopefully that'll be true.

So I'm hoping in God to be God today. To comfort, encourage, strengthen, convict, forgive, rejuvenate, and break through me to make much of Him.

Here's a new one from SGM's new album "Risen". Get it HERE for $5 until April 15th.