Progress However Slow is Still Progress...

I've battled with self-righteousness for years. I've often thought that my status with God is based on my behavior. If I do good, God will bless. If I'm not being blessed, then I must be doing something to displease God. So, I've treated my relationship with God like a wheel of samsara in which all my actions determine a equal yet deserving karmic effect.

I don't espouse the Hindi beliefs of karma and the four-fold Buddhist path of suffering, yet I've often lived that way. I've been the elder brother in Luke 15 that refuses to go into the party to celebrate my younger, no longer prodigal brother's return. I think my father has held something back from me. He's not blessing me though I've kept all his rules, been there when my pagan brother wasn't, suffered from the loss of inheritance squandered by said brother, and like I said "kept all his rules". Where's my party? Where's my blessing? What haven't I done to please the father that he would give to the undeserving son and not the faithful one?

I look for opportunities to control my environment and how the father should treat me instead of just enjoying the opportunity that I have to be with the father. I squander precious moments worrying over what will be and how I can get, get, get from the father for my own gain instead of relishing the Father's presence with no regard for what I might get.

The last couple of months have been a scouring time of oftentimes rough, abrasive treatments. Every time that I think I'm making headway, and I've been given clarity on a situation then I get proud. Every time that I ignore issues, problems, pressing thoughts and sweep them under the proverbial rug then I fear, worry, and panic. I call out in distress, but often just to alleviate the pain not to receive peace from the father. I'm overly concerned with what isn't, what might be, and how to achieve my end goals that I destroy any semblance of trust, faith, or obedience to Christ.

I've quenched the Holy Spirit; I've ignored people; I've not cherished the gospel or preached it to myself regularly; I've been angry and frustrated with myself and reveled in guilt and shame recently like a warm blanket; I've doubted God's goodness on many occasions; I've looked to my own devices, been blinded by the deceitfulness of my heart, and wanted my way above all else; I've run from problems; I've run from responsibility; I've been running from God.

I try to put on a brave face and act like everything is okay. I've said that it is on innumerable occasions. I keep putting up a facade. I put up a barrier between myself and others for fear of them knowing me for me. I'll just get rejected again. Honestly, I don't think I can bear the weight of that again.

So, how is there progress? What have I learned in the last couple of weeks? What evidences of change and growth is the Spirit showing me?

Less petitioning God for wants and needs...more gratefulness, casting cares, praising, recognition of His grace. I see myself praying more...praying for my kids (even in the moment when Jean is running the opposite way down the hallway); every new coffee shop I've visited recently (5 new ones in the last 2-3 weeks) God's prompted me to pray for the barista, the patrons...and actually engage in meaningful conversation with both (I know...for me it's unusual, but it has to be grace...it has to be him because it's not my usual introverted, awkward self); I've been finding it easier to just be with people, learn their stories, pray with them (because I'm not concerned with their perception of me...it's their perception of Christ in me that makes all the difference...weird that I'm just figuring this out); I've even shared the gospel with a Jehovah's Witness (granted, I had hit him (his car) with my car a couple of weeks earlier...which is a whole 'nother story).

I'm not so much concerned about "getting it right" or making all the "right decisions" because I've got to control my own environment. I can just be, breath, take in moments, turn a 9 minute drive in the morning to work into a 30 minute prayer stroll, sit on the roof of my row home look out on the Frankford area and pray for the gospel to disturb this area as only it can, run more, take more pictures, draw more, insatiably read, I dance a lot more (and I danced a lot before...not good mind you ;), engaging people more, sing more (not sappy break-up songs that were prevalent a month ago)..sing more about the Father & what Christ's sacrifice has done & is doing, write more, write poetry more, write commentaries on the scripture I read, meditate on the word...really chew on it, cherish God's people and tell them that, share what's on my heart and share what God's doing, open up my heart to people more and allow God to change my recent propensity to hold back for fear of rejection.

This progress is real slow, but I think that's the way God wants it. Too fast, and I'd expect too much probably thinking that I had something to do with it. Slow enough to daily trust that I can't do it; Slow enough to savor moments; Slow enough to realize grace covers shame; Slow enough to cast my cares and not get overwhelmed; Slow enough to not drown in guilt; Slow enough to cherish the gospel and it's moment by moment transforming implications to my life...just slow.

What Wondrous Love is This!

I love this video and not just because it includes three of my favorites: Chandler, CJ, & Phil Wickham. But the truth that they are speaking and singing about the unfailing, unchanging, unwavering, all-satisfying love of God that pursues & chases a debased and wretched sinner like me...this truth is shocking & overwhelming. What wondrous love is this...oh, my soul...Oh My Soul!




Thanks to BD for posting this on fb.

Seriously, check out bball1989's other similar videos on youtube. They are some of my favorites recently & definitely worth your time:

Crowder, Chandler, & Piper;

Piper, Needham, & Driscoll;

Tenth Avenue North, Driscoll, & Chandler;

Driscoll, Keyes, & Piper;

Shane & Shane and Chandler;

Chandler & Maher

Here's a thought...It's not about you :)

God used this about a week or so ago to challenge my thinking and transform my view on fighting sin. I got The Pursuit of Holiness by Jerry Bridges on audiobook free from christianaudio.com in January and am greatly enjoying it so far. This month's free download is The Holiness of God by Sproul. I'm noticing a trend and am glad for it because I feel that I lack wisdom of God's Holiness. I need to be reminded afresh of who He is and who I am in light of that fact.

Because of that, I'm putting in a lengthy section from the first chapter of The Pursuit of Holiness that God used in my reading and letting it speak for itself. Notice the great reminder that sanctification like salvation is all about God. You can read the entire chapter for free at B&N.com.

"Our first problem is that our attitude toward sin is more self-centered than God-centered. We are more concerned about our own "victory" over sin than we are about the fact that our sins grieve the heart of God. We cannot tolerate failure in our struggle with sin chiefly because we are success-oriented, not because we know it is offensive to God.

W. S. Plumer said, "We never see sin aright until we see it as against God.... All sin is against God in this sense: that it is His law that is broken, His authority that is despised, His government that is set at naught.... Pharaoh and Balaam, Saul and Judas each said, 'I have sinned'; but the returning prodigal said, 'I have sinned against heaven and before thee'; and David said, 'Against Thee, Thee only have I sinned.'"

God wants us to walk in obedience-not victory. Obedience is oriented toward God; victory is oriented toward self. This may seem to be merely splitting hairs over semantics, but there is a subtle, self-centered attitude at the root of many of our difficulties with sin. Until we face this attitude and deal with it we will not consistently walk in holiness.

This is not to say God doesn't want us to experience victory, but rather to emphasize that victory is a byproduct of obedience. As we concentrate on living an obedient, holy life, we will certainly experience the joy of victory over sin."

Though the fig tree should not blossom...yet I will rejoice in the Lord"

Right now, I'm loving the penetrating movement of the Holy Spirit. Every day brings new challenges, and every day I'm reminded more and more of His chiseling work.

Whether it's playing basketball for a couple of hours and realizing quickly that I'm not where I should be physically (but He's doing a work & there's progress). Sometimes it's standing on the sidelines, and Ian drops Habakkuk 3 on me...that's some heavy stuff when your waiting for your game to start, but it was apt and beneficial. Habakkuk 3: 17-19

"Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's;
he makes me tread on my high places."

Sometimes when there's no fruit/progress, and you're in a seemingly "deserted" place in life, rejoice! Take joy in God who gives strength & rejuvenates.

Sometimes it's talking with a friend after lunch yesterday, and they're challenging the things I'm holding on to as idols. I know it's true because my flesh is warring in me as they're saying it. Some things desperately need to be let go because the preoccupation & lingering thoughts are damaging my relationship with God. Sometimes it's okay not to know the answers to questions and trust (a common theme over the past few weeks, but coming up again because I needed it...again).

And providentially, I came home after basketball tonight to read Habakkuk and in vs 18-20 of Chapter 2, the establishing of idols is warned against because of the selfish ambition of the idol-creator and how much of an affront that is to the Lord who "is in His holy temple."

Sometimes it's the growth that comes from changing care groups. The group that I've come to know, love, trust, and open up to for the past two years split up this past week. I know God is using this change to me more into His image and give more opportunities to reach into others lives. I'm grateful for the grace and strength to honestly be okay with the split. Thankful for the two years sharing much with a great group of people and anticipating great things that God has planned with this "new" group of like-minded believers. I love that God is growing Grace Bible Church, leading more people to becoming involved in community to force group splits, bringing more "locals" to hear the gospel and see it in other's lives, transitioning the church body to two Sunday services, and loving to see God use the opportunity to make His name great, strengthen His church, and draw us to greater understanding of His mission for us in Philly.

I can't leave without a song, and I'm falling in love very quickly with "Jars of Clay Presents The Shelter". I may write an entry for each song they've been such a blessing so far. My favorite as of now is based off Psalm 27 called "Run in the Night". I love the imagery of running to the Father in the "night" of the soul. He's the one who found us first, seizes us with His perfection, calls us beloved, won't condemn us, and spreads peace...and by him, we have a shelter and cover to run to in the night.



"Run In The Night (Psalm 27)"

I know who I am
Once I was nameless, alone and You found me
You formed my knees to bend
You called me beloved
I am perfection

All my failures won't condemn me
Or leave me paralyzed and bound
And when I'm at my worst
Your love, it finds me first
By You I can run in the night
For by You I can run in the night

For I am such a man
Seized by the power of a great perfection
No matter where I am
Peace spreads below me in every direction

When evil sets the war upon me
I won't stumble, I won't fall
And though they do their worst
Your love has found me first
For by You I can run in the night
For by You I can run in the night
For by You I can run in the night

Hide me in the shelter of...
Keep me in the cover of...
Lead me in the light of Your love
Hide me in the light of Your love

For by You I can run in the night
For by You I can run in the night
For by You I can run in the night
For by You I can run in the night

Adele-ight to the Senses

Just got Adele's new album 21 the other day on Itunes...wow, wow. All songs written from a recent break-up for her...speaking volumes to me as well. Probably my favorite female set of pipes...she brings it and thought I'd share a breath of common grace this morning & songs representing the path of growh...So many of the lyrics screech out my healing heart...the hurt, the gains, the regrets, the what ifs, and the what might have beens, and the wishes for the best for the person..enjoy!

Don't You Remember


But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory?
I often think about where I went wrong,
The more I do, the less I know,

Gave you the space so you could breathe,
I kept my distance so you would be free,
And hope that you find the missing piece,
To bring you back to me,


Take It All


Didn't I give it all?
Tried my best
Gave you everything I had
Everything and no less
Didn't I do it right
Did I let you down

Maybe you got too used to
By having me around
Still how can you walk away
From all my tears.
It's gonna be an empty road
Without me right here

[Chorus]
But go on and take it
Take it all with you
Don't look back
At this crumbling fool
Just take it all
With my love
Take it all
With my love

Maybe I should leave
To have you see
Nothing is better than this
And this is everything we need
So is it over?
Is this really you've given up so easily?
I thought you loved me more than this

I would change if I must
Slow it down and bring it home
I will adjust.
Oh if only, if only you knew
Everything I do
Is for you



Rolling In The Deep


The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
And you played it to the beat

Set Fire To The Rain


I let it fall, my heart,
And as it fell, you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me

My hands, they're strong
But my knees were far too weak
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet

I set fire to the rain
And I feel lost into the flames
And it felt something dark
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time!


Someone Like You


Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me I beg
I remember you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
And memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet
This would taste?


I'll Be Waiting (sadly, couldn't find a video...but the lyrics speak for themselves)

Hold me closer one more time,
Say that you love me in your last goodbye,
Please forgive me for my sins,
Yes, I swam dirty waters,
But you pushed me in,
I've seen your face under every sky,
Over every border and on every line,
You know my heart more than I do,
We were the greatest, me and you,

But we had time against us,
And miles between us,
The heavens cried,
I know I left you speechless,
But now the sky has cleared and it's blue,
And I see my future in you,

I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again,
I put my hands up,
I'll do everything different,
I'll be better to you,
I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again,
I put my hands up,
I'll be somebody different,
I'll be better to you,

Victory

This desire to want a better state to be in...it's an long & arduous road.
Love the imagery of this song...and TBT's musical prowess...folk/bluegrass
is gradually become a strong favorite of mine.



All of us lonely, it aint a sin
to want something better, then the shape your in
the rain came at the break of day
your light in the windowpane, said come on in

Its a broken heart babe, i know the sound
Feels like your hands, are nailed to the ground
but it'll pass just like everything else
you won't let it get to me, the next time around

Its a hard earn victory
The life that come from you to me
can never be wrong

Grown from a moment and a million miles
here lies the stardust and it slowly dies
borrowed from nothing come back half alive
and the stars the whisper blessings as you walk by

by Trampled By Turtles

There's a Purpose...

"Once you begin to see God's hand in your life, you will know that his workmanship within you and through you was tailor-made, just for you. His design for your life pulls together every thread of your existence into a magnificent work of art. Every thread matters and has a specific purpose." - Ravi Zacharias, from The Grand Weaver

My present circumstance is part of God's design to test not tempt, glorify not guilt, strengthen not weaken, sanctify not sin, commune with not abandon, praise not doubt, find joy in suffering not wallow in self-pity...God, help me to see your working something out later...and now!

There's a reason for the feelings of hurt, pain, rejection, abandonment, humiliation, loss, filth, heaviness, despair...help me to see you're a "refuge...and an ever-present help in trouble" (Ps. 46:1; NIV). Though my mind wanders and my heart continues to break, help me to see you as alive and present to help. I don't know why things happen the way they do, but I know you are the high fortress to run to in distress.

I get a card the other day. I appreciate it...it's sweet, but is there something else to it? Most likely not, but sadly my feeble mind still contemplates the "what might have been". Grand design...greater purpose...created in Christ Jesus...finishing a great work...THERE IS A PURPOSE for loss...still learning to say goodbye. Praying truly for her this morning with no ulterior motives of reconciliation...God this already shows that you're greater than my circumstances. You will continue to grow & strengthen beyond what I think is possible!

Breakthrough

Definition of BREAKTHROUGH
1: an offensive thrust that penetrates and carries beyond a defensive line in warfare
2: an act or instance of breaking through an obstacle
3 a : a sudden advance especially in knowledge or technique
b : a person's first notable success
from Merriam-Webster.com

Sometimes we are privy to epiphanies or "breakthroughs" and don't realize it. I was made well aware by the convicting of the Holy Spirit tonight of what he was starting to do in my own life. I love the first definition because this feels like the "offensive thrust" of the Holy Spirit is barreling through the "defensive line" of my sin, flesh, the hardness of my heart, past shame/guilt, recent situations/circumstances, and everything I've held onto for so long. I'm reminded tonight of the grace given by God to make the struggle evident. He's showing me the ways I've used shame to justify actions, sin against others, and use past situations to affect present circumstances.

In Group Redemption tonight, Dan went over the guilt and shame and how they both play a part in substance/drug abuse & addictions in general. The message is key to a believer's understanding of shame & it's proper place in our lives. He shared that shame is "related to who I am" and guilt is "related to what I've done". The next part was the central focus of the session & key component in the Holy Spirit breaking through the "obstacles" and leading to a "sudden advance in knowledge" for me.



This chart was presented (sorry for the somewhat blurriness...I tried to make it as legible as possible) listing who I am because of shame (something placed on me). These shameful experiences could be a loss of a job, loss of a loved one/relationship, abuse, depression, rape/racism, divorce, failure of a loved one, etc. That column is then contrasted with the next one (my favorite) who I am in/because of Christ which leads to the benefits given to the believer because of Christ.

I was taking an inventory of my life (past/present) and was seeing over and over the instances where I let shame cripple, paralyze, and lead to sin. For as long as I can remember, I've desired to be accepted...to feel like I belonged, but also to be liked. From wanting my dad's approval growing up and not always getting it, to desiring my older brother's acceptance and not getting it in high school, to pursuing relationships with the opposite sex to be liked, to even choosing a group of believers to spend time in community with, and wanting to be accepted in an occupation/ministry by the people I work with. Sometimes, this desire is a "silent" one and sometimes very vocal. God started chipping away at the core of who I am tonight. I garner the acceptance of others to be used later to my advantage. I try hard to "be something" to gain my dad's approval. I work towards "being cool" so my brother would accept me. I try to "be who she wants me to be" to gain her affection/approval. I sometimes attempt to be "more spiritual" or "say the right Christian lingo" to be more accepted in a community of believers. And, I participate in office gossip/idle speech to gain the approval of peers.

This one area is barely scratching the surface of who I am. It's one are, but one for further discussion/contemplation. That even though I often feel rejected because I don't get the approval of others, I have "fellowship with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ" (I John 1:3 ESV). I don't have to be wrapped up in the approval of others and crippled in fear of their opinion because I have the amazing opportunity to enjoy fellowship with the God of the universe. This realization is staggering...it causes me to acknowledge my unworthiness & tread softly in awe of who He is & this great opportunity to come boldly to Him. I'm an adopted child bought by the blood of Christ to not live as an "alien" to His favor, but as one who is no longer condemned by the weight of his sin.

God knows me all to well. He knows my heart, my fears, my failures, and my tendencies. He knows I struggle...He knows I'm weak...He knows I've doubted His kindness today. But because of His Son, HE ACCEPTS ME...and is changing me. I don't have to be paralyzed by my past, doubting in the present, and hesitant about the future. He'll continue to walk me through these things to realize that my past has been paid for by the Son, my present is saturated with the Holy Spirit's guidance through the Word, and my future hope is secure in a God whose promises are sure.

So, as I sat there after Group Redemption explaining to Dan & Will what God was doing and as the scales were lifted, I could be real and transparent as the Holy Spirit was knocking down my castle gate with the battering ram of His grace to show me my weakness and give me hope again. Breakthroughs are unnerving because of the "hugeness" of the issues presented, but exciting because it's evident to me that God is on the move in my life to continue to bring me to repentance and further obedience to make me holy like He's holy.

Into my sinfulness entered Your Holiness

Sometimes we make decisions & instantly regret them. Sometimes we see a pattern of sin and personal condemnation that makes itself evident in one fell swoop. After a time away this weekend, I had the day off because of a 4 inch blizzard that came thundering into NE Philadelphia. I didn't have the time to read/reflect this weekend like I thought that I would. I didn't spend time yesterday in the Word and found myself in a dark place.

I was doubting & questioning like mad scribbling words & phrases bolded with continual pencil scratchings & wet with tears. Why did it seem the "good" was always out of reach? Why did it seem God wasn't listening? Why did it seem like I was digressing from what God had taught me just a few days prior?

So, I posted a good number of those questions here yesterday knowing full well that my heart was in a desolate place and not being led by the Spirit. I acted on impulse to fulfill a selfish desire to "lash out". Then, I went to class last night, and the topic was "Gender & Sexuality". I was convicted about how I view others, who God is, how God views me, & how I was viewing my situation. So, I came home & immediately deleted the post (something I've never done before). God was gracious to forgive my sin again and remind me of who He is and how He views me & my sin.

I've mentioned Jeremy Horn before, and God used this during my drive on my break to continue to convict/remind me of this same truth.



"Beautiful"
In Your kindness I find, a redemption that's mine
That I cannot explain
How Your love reaches down, through my shame and my doubt
Making my ugliness fade
When my life is a mess and Your righteousness is all I have
You're all I have

Only You can see my heart
Only You can know my heart
Only You can love my heart and say
You're still beautiful to Me

Only You can change my heart
Only You can touch my heart
Only You can clean my heart and say
You’re still beautiful to Me

Every sin leaves a grime, that will darken with time
That I cannot erase
Only You and Your blood, Your compassion Your love
Can make it all fade away

To all I, to all I am

And I will only love You
So write Your name on my heart God
Place Your seal upon me
Knowing my heart’s Yours, oh God

God You search me, God You love me, the way I am
And I am Beautiful
Because You’re Beautiful
You make things beautiful
You are beautiful

©2005 Jeremy Horn (BMI). Admin. by From the Grove Music

What If...

Recently I've been asking myself a lot of questions...some deep, some shallow, some meaningful, some meaningless, some that have already been answered, some that will never be answered, some that may take time to be answered, some that I'm ashamed to even utter...

What if God never chose me? Would I possibly have understood grace, forgiveness, or love?

What if I sinned less? Would I appreciate God's mercy more or less?

Why does loss bring discontent? Will gain bring contentment?

Can I really continue to trust the unseen? Do I practically live as if I trust God works all things together for good to those who are his adopted children?

Why do flannel shirts feel fantastically warm? Why can't I wear flannel in the summer as well? Could I market sleeveless flannel shirts for the summer to be coupled with board shorts, cabana hats, & velcro sandals w/black socks? But seriously, what would it take to make shirts that feel as lovely as flannel, but wouldn't make you sweat in the summer?

What is it about hours sitting around snow-ridden campfires, 6 mile hikes through ice & snow, and 2 1/2 days of male bonding that brings such joy? Was it complete irony that caused me to tweak my ankle in the last .3 miles of our 6miles hike (on level ground no less...sheesh)?

Why do I struggle in conversation with people I don't know? Why can I seemingly only concentrate on one conversation at a time when I'm in big groups?

Why do I trust others so easily, but not trust myself at all? Why do I tend to give my heart away so easily? Am I a masochist for heartache? Did I really use the term "masochist" in two separate posts within the same week? Do I need a Word of the Day Calendar to extend my vocabulary so I don't overuse the terms in different posts?

Can God really be enough? Do I practically believe this truth? Why do I often put people and things above him? Why am I seemingly more concerned with other's opinions than His?

What is it like to be in the presence of the Father? Would God ever give me a "Moses" type moment of showing me His glory? What does a future, resurrected body look like?

Am I were I should be or want to be in life, education, community? Am I truly content with where God has me now? How can I reconcile this struggle with contentment with a high view of God? What does this struggle say about how I view God? Why do I have this tertiary desire to disappear...to get away? Should I have taken that job as a park ranger in Whitefish, MT? Do I look good in olive & tan? Could I pull off a campaign hat?

Becoming a child with a burning heart...and by burning heart I don't mean susceptible to bouts of dyspepsia.

It seems like the same lesson is getting hammered in this week. But at times, I just need a refreshing reminder of an awesome truth. I know the word "awesome" is widely overused (including by me), but it's fitting. I was rereading Tozer's Pursuit of God earlier today...seriously, I think we're almost on double digits with this booklet, but it's weighty every time. So much highlighting in this thing & even more highlighting & notes today :)

That God so graciously sought me out when I was most unworthy is uncomprehensible. That He continues to pursue & spur me on to pursue Him back is mercy beyond my wildest imagination. Tozer so aptly describes the desire to pursue "To have found God and still to pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love scorned indeed by the too easily satisfied religionist, but justified in happy experience by the children of the burning heart." I find the longsuffering of God evident in allowing me to be a child that burns after Him...I can't explain it lately, but my passions so easily swayed recently have been anchored this whole time to the cornerstone which is Christ. I was wrestling through some things the other day, and starting to see myself discouraged when a friend so graciously said in passing "thank God that you're fighting it". He truly is benevolent to pursue me & prove a greater joy than what I think is best for me.

I'm amazed by the life of Moses in Exodus 33 when I just imagine the anguish & utterly dependent contrition when he exclaimed "Now therefore, if I have found favor in your sight, please show me now your ways, that I may know you in order to find favor in your sight." And when God grants his request...I love that Moses doesn't stop there, but continues to pursue God in saying "please show me your glory". It gives me chills to read that again...God that I would fight to know you. To trust your kindness to me in making me your own, that YOU ARE MAKING MY PATHS STRAIGHT when I stopping resting in me & lean on you! You would be ever faithful to incline your ear to my ramblings, groanings, and pleadings.

So what am I thankful for...He's given me a great family that loves and pursues Him. He's provided resources and opportunities for me to come in contact with people repeatedly over the last few weeks and opportunities to share the gospel (praying desperately for more), He was merciful to give my dad cancer and bring him back to the Father (sometimes we need a big push to pursue), that dad is rejoicing in the presence of the Savior now, He's been gracious to renew my love for teaching and placed me in a great school for the next week and a half. So much more, but I have a busy weekend ahead & need my beauty sleep (fyi, i will delete all comments mocking that phrase :)

Looking forward to a full weekend of solace, fresh air, and much exuberant male bonding...9 guys in a cabin in the woods with many much flannel wearing, beard toting (I've got quite the lumberjack look going...or Joaquin Phoenix as I've been told), grilling/drinking, hiking (sadly not much frozen waterfall climbing due to the recent heat wave), and I'm planning on much time to read, reflect, & continue to rest as I pursue my God...with several books in toe (always the case with me). My selections for the weekend are

Pursuit of God by Tozer
Meditations by Fenelon
What is the Gospel? by Gilbert
The Good News We Almost Forgot by DeYoung
Surprised by Hope by N.T. Wright
A Call to Die by Nasser
Digital Field Guide by J.D. Thomas (for my gently used, but newly acquired Nikon D80)

Hmmm...maybe I should bring a few more...jk. I may get to 1-2, but I'm (to a fault sometimes) always overprepared.

Wow, 6 posts in 6 days...didn't think I'd see the day...that'll end this weekend for sure. Listening to this a bit ago...love, love, love this truth.

Here's to Hoping that Spring will swap Snow for Leaves...

Seriously...again. I'm learning to "consider it a great joy", but why am I surrounded by memories. She's several hundred miles away...yet, I'm continually reminded. Let me give the back story...so I had brought several cds when I visited around Thanksgiving for her to listen to (and made her a cd of some of my fav. Sovereign Grace songs). Music is a large part of my life...a significant way that I worship & meditate on God is through music and I wanted her to be familiar with a significant part of my life. And since I never use cds except to burn them to my hard drive, I don't mind lending them out indefinitely (I've done it several times before). Well, the last time we saw each other she had given me some of them back in a bag before I left. It wasn't until today when I was going through papers on my desk that I decided to finally put them away. I found in the bag a burned cd of Christmas songs...now, I don't know if it was made for me or was given to her by someone else & was accidentally placed there bc she was listening to the one's in the bag too. Maybe, it was the thought that it might have been intentional or just thoughts of her that came flooding back...seriously, I thought I'd cried enough last week.

Maybe it's the words written in a 4mth old journal that was under a stack of papers on my desk. Words that I had written about her, about us, about what God was teaching me about her and us, lists of the things she liked/disliked, date ideas, things we could do together, dreams of what could be... And I can't bear to throw it away yet...maybe someday I'll be strong enough.

Maybe it's the fact that some of my favorite artists are Mumford & Sons, Mat Kearney, and the Civil Wars...and songs like "Winter Winds", "White Blank Page", "Breathe In, Breathe Out", "All I Have", "Falling", "C'est la Mort" keep playing in my speakers...

Have to share this video...given to me by a friend 8mths ago when I was in a similar, but not equal circumstance. I love the intention of holding back...when so rarely I listen to my heart, and I jump full in...



Maybe it's knowing the concert that I'm going to tonight is something I know she would enjoy as well...

Maybe it's me finally coming to the realization that it's okay to question...it's okay to be "not okay" for a bit...it's okay to react emotionally as long as those emotions don't drive me...it's okay to not have it all together...it's okay to not be what someone else is looking for...it's okay to cry, still...it's okay to just have God & learn that He alone is enough (it may be slow...but as long as I realize all I need is Him)...more than enough

Ps. 119:25-28 is my prayer in this moment...and God is faithful to not "maybe", but "definitely" answer...

"I am laid low in the dust;
preserve my life according to your word.
I gave an account of my ways and you answered me;
teach me your decrees.
Cause me to understand the way of your precepts,
that I may meditate on your wonderful deeds.
My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word." - Ps. 119: 25-28

Joy...seriously...Joy

"Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing." (HCSB)

So the book of James has been kicking my tuchis recently. And I started over again today only to run into the wall that is vs. 2. I love how James never pulls punches, but gets to the point. As a "slave of Christ", he doesn't see a need to mince words or shy away from a difficult truth. "Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials." wait, WHAT! you have got to be joking...what person (outside of a masochist) would find joy in a painful or discomforting situation? What person in their right mind would put themselves in harm's way to begin with, but in the process be able to see it as a joy-filled situation? "consider it a great joy"...wow...I love that James knows he must be talking to "brothers". Only the redeemed can truly understand joy in trial.

Today was a hard day...not because of work, the kids today, etc. It was a half-day in an autism support room that I've been to several times before (so I must enjoy it). Just little things made me think of her...like the student's worksheet today that was based on the Chronicles of Narnia, the student's exuberant excitement over receiving stickers on their papers, the main character in the story we read together today had her name, and spending the last 1/2hr with the kids watching "UP" (one of her favorites). I miss the times we read together, the little things that she'd tell me that caused me to grow fond of her, just the joy in saying her name, and spending time just watching movies & holding her hand...just being together. My heart starts to hurt knowing I most likely will never hear her voice again, that I no longer get to find joy in getting to learn about the "little things" (the things she thought were insignificant or even odd about her, but to me were adorable), no more lighting up when she calls and her name comes up on my phone or skype because her name doesn't come up anymore, and just plain missing that person...for them & nothing more than you enjoy them.

Then, I look at my today and really ponder it; it makes me think "if that's my trial right now, unrequited affection. Knowing that somebody doesn't feel the same way romantically or relationally that I do with them. If that's the most difficult (no matter how much it hurts my heart at times) situation, that God is allowing in my life at this moment. Wow, God's gracious!" And even if it wasn't the most difficult situation...even if I really was under "various trials" like persecution, famine, imminent peril, nakedness, desolation, financial ruin, sickness like cancer, and even possible death, God would still be gracious.

I was rereading Dever's section on James in "The Message of the New Testament" and he references vs. 2-15 listing four reasons why James says we can "Consider it a great joy...when you experience various trials".

1) to produce maturity in the Christian.

"because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (vs. 3-4 NIV)

There's a progression in this sanctification, and it's a maturity born out of adversity. Like the runner who trains and trains for a marathon (hopefully by next year...it's on my bucket list), by spending hours and hours building up to a better mile time, sacrificing momentary pleasures to learn how to endure under the pain that a marathon can bring, and experience the joy of reaching a goal/finishing a race.

2) to cause us to depend more on God

"Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives to all generously and without criticizing, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith without doubting. For the doubter is like the surging sea, driven and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. An indecisive man is unstable in all his ways." (vs. 5-8 HCSB)

I appreciate the way Mark puts it "Yet in his kindness and love, God puts us in trials and circumstances in which we have no option but to trust him. And that is when we learn we can trust him, and we grow." And "ironically" he uses John 6:68 (what knocked the wind out of me late last night) to say like Peter "we have no other option but to trust you!" The lesson comes in relinquishing what I think are "needs" or "rights" or what I think I'm entitled to...it's all His, and I'm encouraged anew to lean on Him.

3)to realize that this life (and trials) will pass

"The brother of humble circumstances should boast in his exaltation; but the one who is rich [should boast] in his humiliation, because he will pass away like a flower of the field. For the sun rises with its scorching heat and dries up the grass; its flower falls off, and its beautiful appearance is destroyed. In the same way, the rich man will wither away while pursuing his activities. Blessed is a man who endures trials, because when he passes the test he will receive the crown of life that He has promised to those who love Him." (vs. 9-12 HCSB)

His ways are not our ways. Who he exalts and humiliates. But His promises are true and are ringing true in my ears now. The futility of this life should be a grand reminder of my needed allegiance to the Father and trust in His purposes.

4) to unfold promises that trials are a part of God's purposes

"When tempted, no one should say, 'God is tempting me.' For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." (vs. 13-15 ESV)

I don't know what God is intending with the loss of this relationship, but getting to put more trust in Him for what I cannot immediately see is refreshing. I may still wander and question (though I'm constantly being reminded that I don't have to have answers to trust), but it does bring to realize that at the moment I'm not trusting and my emotions are controlling me.

I love the way M. Dever puts it:
"James calls us to embrace our trials by considering them 'all joy.' That does not mean we pretend they are not trials. It simply means we do not let our understanding of them ultimately be determined by how they feel at first. If something feels hard or bad at first, we will react to it negatively. That is only natural. But the strange and wonderful thing is, God in his sovereign love again and again uses those things that feel bad at first to teach us to trust Him."

He continues by aptly describing our emotions as a tail or crosswind to an airplane:
"One the one hand, emotions can be extremely helpful. On the other hand, trials can produce winds of emotion that feel like headwinds or even crosswinds. So we cannot take our directions from our emotions. We have to take our direction from God and the truth of what he has told us to do in Scripture. And as we see trials strengthen our faith and so prove God's faithfulness, a new emotion, indeed something deeper than an emotion, will emerge--joy! Now that's a tailwind!"

Joy from trial...to mature, redirect affection, bring to worship the Father, reflect on the finite measure of the trial, and focus on the future good that God is working out for His children.

Joy...seriously...Joy. Joy when I read of God's unending love for me His child, when I find glimpses of Him in the seemingly, ordinary "little things" that cause me to grow more fond of Him, when I get the express privilege to say His name like honey on my lips as I sing w/uplifted hands while tears stream down, when I get to spend time telling Him all my sorrows and heartaches and joys and fears and dreams and desires...and even though I can't see Him either, He's with me and I get to just Be with Him.

Seriously...joy...yah, joy!

To Whom Shall We Go?

"Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life." John 6:68 (ASV)

"We are not familiar enough with the Gospel; we are afraid of knowing it well. We ignore its teaching and skim its meaning. We carefully study the words of men and neglect those of God. One word of the Gospel is worth more than all the other books in the world together. It is the source of all truth. With what love, faith, and reverence ought we to listen to Jesus Christ. Let us say with St. Peter, 'Lord, to whom shall we go?' One moment of meditation, of love, and of the presence of God will give us more understanding of truth than all the reasonings of men."

from Meditations and Devotions by Francois Fenelon


Conviction sets in when I read this because my thoughts are not always so high of God. I agree that sometimes I'm afraid of the Gospel...not because I know it's life-giving, but because it's life-altering; not because it's lacking in any way, but because it's overwhelming; not because it's adequate, but it supplies every need (which leaves me dazed & wondering what part I play); not because it's freeing, but because it's demanding; not because it's selfless, but because it's self-deprecating; not because I did anything to deserve it, but because I did nothing to deserve it.

Baby Steps...

It's safe to say that I don't blog much. I was looking over old posts realizing today is 4yrs & 4mths since I started this thing. This being the 60th total post is only the 3rd time I've posted an entry in successive days. I also figured out that I add to this blog roughly every 26th day. This is by sheer number and not taking into account days when I've posted multiple entries (was really ambitious) like the infamous "blogger from back east" posts that 'rocked' the world of fundamentalism :)...or at least those who read Sharper Iron.

All that to say, I plan to write more often. If I say it one more time, I might actually do it. I've been writing in journals for years, but making it public online is a whole 'nother ballgame. And to be honest, to the handful that read this (of which 90% I'm sure that I'm related to), I appreciate you dropping in every once in a while especially after I end my usual 4-6month droughts.

I'm not one to get hung up on "resolutions" or maybe not anymore. I did somewhat follow my "eat better, exercise more" one from last year, and as of today am 65lbs lighter than last January (halfway toward my goal). But, putting my thoughts on electronic paper helps me to work out my thoughts, collect them more, make them easier to catalog/find later on, and get helpful feedback when someone calls me on my often inane ramblings.



I can't tell you how much this song was a means of grace this morning/afternoon while I sat in the coffee shop drinking pomegranate tea during my 2 1/2hr lunch break (seriously, the guy I subbed for has a 2 1/2hr lunch break...crazy). I hadn't listened to this song in months, but it brought such joy as I once again blared it in my car on my way back to school...I put up the one with lyrics so if you don't know it or if you do, you can sing along. It's guaranteed to lift the weak, comfort the broken, encourage the upright, and convict the hard-hearted...no foolin' on the guarantee.

God has been gracious since my last post to continue to bring people to encourage/convict, speaking by His Spirit through apt Scripture, and allowing me to see Him in the momentary instances of life. The book of James has been blowing me away while Romans 6-8 has been crucial to give assurance and hope when my thoughts tend to be bleak.

I'm overjoyed that God is speaking to me through His Word, and I hope & beg that He'll continue to convict and sway my feeble heart. I needed this today...a little while ago, I was looking forward to the opportunity of today. I don't tend to hype up unnecessary holidays especially those created by greeting card companies (I'm talking about you Boss's Day). But having never (truly) celebrated this one with the cherub-faced, diaper-wearing, homicidal arrow-shooting, "love"inducing mascot...I had been looking forward to it. As the day has gotten closer, I haven't look forward to it as much, and would have forgotten about it altogether if not for the heart-shaped balloon & rose-peddling stands on every corner of the Northeast (those immigrants know how to market to the delinquent males, let me tell ya). If I could have overlooked them, the high school that I worked in today was littered with red-shirted, balloon toting, hormone intoxicated teenyboppers who couldn't keep their hands off each other.

And yet again, God was gracious to remind me in Romans 8:28-39 that "there's a joy to be had that if you have it will enable you to face anything in life without sinking or crumbling, and this joy is an absolute certainty that God doesn't just love you now...but He always will" (Tim Keller). A greater love than I could ever show or receive from someone else. This truth is assured no matter how bad things are going on inside and/or outside of me. Sometimes I'm tempted to think that God is unfair to give such grace & love so much because of who I know myself to be. A faithful friend refreshed my soul yesterday after church by reminding me that God's love for me is not contingent on my behavior/actions, but solely on the shed blood of the Son of God for me. He finished it and loves me no less in spite of me. He's just because of it and continues to be a Justifier of sinners who come to Him in repentance...wow...

The weights of pain and uncertainty that I've been carrying for the last month are not mine to carry. He wants them, and I'm ready to give them up. God will use the hurt and pain for a reason, and I saw a glimpse of that today. He alone can fix my broken heart because He's preparing me for something greater. My mind can't possibly conceive of someone or something better than the one he brought, but I'm starting to trust again that He can and will if that's His purpose.

I don't know what all He's intending to do, but it's great to start trusting again that He knows exactly what He's doing even in the silence. What a good God! What a wonderful Savior! What a merciful Father to "lead me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy"!

So like Bob (sans the illustrious Dr. Leo Marvin & his self-help hoohah) I'm taking baby steps...

Let The Healing Begin

Some days are harder than others. When you spend what seems like 2hrs riding around a fast food parking lot in a coach bus with the girl who just broke up with you as she expresses her remorse over the break up and her cursory desire to restore said relationship only to find out that it was all a dream. Seriously, the coach bus making circles in the parking lot should have been a clue, but I think the absurdity of the dream only showed how much my desire to see things restored outweighed any signs of reality. So as I was lying there wiping the tears of my cheeks as the memories came rushing back once again...only the good because that's all there ever was, and the tears come because I know the "good" will never come again with that person.

I think the past few weeks that I've been lying to myself. I suppress the feelings of grief because "I've got to get over her". While the later statement is true, the process that I've taken has been harder than if I'd actually grieved. I bite my lip too often when something triggers a memory, and I try to let the moment pass. I've had so much comfort from friends/loved ones who've tried in their ways to comfort. Some have been successful in making an impact, and others (with good intentions) have tried to set me up with somebody or come to their area to meet some nice girls. I appreciate the offer, but right now is not the time.

I talked about the situation with a number of people during the first week, and though it sucked, I was "okay" with the result. Then came week 2, and my world seemed to be falling apart all around me. The more that I dwelled on the why, how, when, what was said, what was not said, how it was said, the more discouraged and embittered I saw myself becoming. I thought that I should be "over" this by now, and I keep having these emotions of loss and pain of disappointment. A friend had encouraged me in the early days afterward to suffer well...well, I was suffering, but how in the world can you do it "well".

Then God brought me Psalm 77...

1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands,
and I would not be comforted.

3 I remembered you, God, and I groaned;
I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.[b]
4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart meditated and my spirit asked:

7 “Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”

10 Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:
the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will consider all your works
and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”

13 Your ways, God, are holy.
What god is as great as our God?
14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.

16 The waters saw you, God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.
17 The clouds poured down water,
the heavens resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.
18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.
19 Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.

...and I cried for what seemed like hours, so when the few minutes of tears were over peace started to wash over me. I was finally allowing the Comforter to comfort. Then "randomly" this article fell into my browser and was immensely helpful. I hadn't just given myself the ability to grieve. I was hung up on how long it was taking me to recover and not asking God to help me through the next few minutes or hours to see "His deeds" and "consider all His works".

God was gracious to give me 4 months of getting to know the most amazing person that I'd ever met. He had allowed me to start falling for this person who I barely knew. I had just started to open up and "be myself" not just who I thought she wanted me to be. I wasn't just saying what I thought she wanted to hear, but truly wanting what was best for us and what I thought God wanted me to do. That "revelation" just happened to be 4 days before she broke up with me which at first shattered me, and I had resolved to never let myself go like that again and trust so openly and freely the next time. But what joy is in that...yes, I know that God should be the only person that I implicitly trust, but I don't want to hold back or "not be myself" because I think the tacit ability to trust can be a great gift. I could spend the rest of my life holding back from risk (like I usually do) and remain relatively unscathed, but that's not loving either.

I haven't heard from her since I emailed her a week later to say "I'm okay" and moving on...which at that second was true, but in reality was a load of refuse. Most days I just want to hear how she's doing, what's going on in her life, what God's teaching her, her thoughts/opinions/dreams/hope/aspirations, but mostly I just miss praying with her...probably what brought me most joy in our tenure together. I'm starting to realize that the "clean break" is probably the most loving thing she could have done. It's somewhat ironic that it again came from a dream. This realization came this morning...I awoke from a dream (crying again...but for altogether different reasons) of her sitting down across a table (with an Asian couple at her side...weird, I know...even weirder that they never said a word) and asking me questions from a list...random yet ordinary questions. I just remember looking up at her and saying with tears running down my face "why are you doing this. Why are you torturing me?" When I was jolted awake the epiphany struck that the last thing I need is for feelings to linger if they're not meant to. Unrequited love is one of the hardest things to deal with, and she knew this. She knew letting the idea of "maybe" linger would only breed mixed emotions & hard feelings later on. She knew it would be harder, but also that it would be better in the long run. I had been doubting her feelings altogether toward me because she dropped it so hard & fast with no intention of ever communicating again and with no way of me being able to say anything to change it.

A clean break...its not fun at all. It probably hurt the most when my dad passed and all I got was a seemingly cursory text from her after I elicited a response just to see if she would respond. It hurt...a lot...probably more than anything else and I held that against her. But without knowing why, I can't hold it against her. I imagine it must have been hard for her not to call...she knew we needed a clean break and what was one of the most emotional days of my life wouldn't be the best time (looking back, I probably would have said something foolish or cried...wouldn't have been good). I appreciate her having her dad call to offer condolences...it showed she wanted to know how I was doing, but knew it was best to still keep her distance. What I viewed as insensitive and uncaring was again probably the most loving thing she could have done. I may be completely wrong & she doesn't care, but I like to think from what I know about her the better response. This realization makes the "break-up" all the more difficult because it gives greater clarity that she is everything I thought she was and more than I thought capable. I pray that I would love like that someday.

So, it's about time that I allow God to take over. It's about time that I grieve with hope. Hope that God is working all things together for His glory and my good. There's no time better than the present to let the healing begin...

Continuing to Brood...about what, now that's a different story!

I splash water on my face again before I exit the bathroom in my mom's house. If my family is (for some reason) keeping track of my regular visits to the loo, they probably think that I have a bowelular issue. It's weird that the people you're closest too you just feel like not opening up to. I don't feel like I can share the reason I've spent the last 3 washroom visits in the past 3hrs has been to cry, listen to sad songs, & read Scripture (but mostly to cry to myself).

The last 3 weeks have been a mesh of emotions & forced suppression of emotions, silence & chatterboxing (it's like lightweight boxing, but with less hitting w/gloves & more flapping of jaws), crying & refusing to cry. The loss of a parent has hit me in waves recently. I may not have had a great relationship with my dad, but I always appreciated his candor. I saw in him the last several months/couple of years of his life the same mixture of emotions & suppression of emotions. I don't have regrets about the last few months of his life, but more in the last few years. I can't change anything about that relationship, but the desire to change every other relationship is palpable.

For now, I'm just tired...I spent the last 4 months falling in love with a girl who dropped me cold turkey three weeks ago. I'm not mad at her...couldn't be. I just don't get it...maybe I'm not supposed to, but if you spend the time getting to know somebody for a few months, you kinda want answers. I don't feel like I should get answers from the source...when someone drops you that sudden, it's like freefalling w/o a parachute (nothing to hold onto). For me, what hurt the most wasn't the being dumped (though that sucks a whole lot). It was the seemingly sudden change of feelings. I understand if you don't have feelings (romantic or otherwise), but how do feelings change so quick. How can you say you're glad to be dating me & kiss me like that one week, but completely remove me out of your life the next...what changed...and what changed so quickly?

I don't blame God because He's always been good. He's teaching me more about myself than I care to know right now. He's been my constant, my rock, and my comforter. I know He's always seeking for His glory above all else so I'm desperately seeking His kingdom to that end.

There's always a risk in pursuing a relationship...I knew that going into it, but I didn't expect it to hurt this much. I honestly thought things were going really well...I told her on the phone that "I kinda saw this coming" and gave some really weak examples. I didn't know it was coming...I honestly saw a future with this person. How foolish of me to let myself get sucked in.

I don't blame God...I blame myself because I should've known better...sadly that's my brooding lately...may be for a while. It brings up a lot of thoughts, emotions, & possible future blog entries so stay tuned :)

I Hear My King Declaring "Father, that Debt is Paid"

I've typed several drafts to this entry in the last couple of months, but haven't pulled the trigger. It may be my indecisive nature or the nagging fear of something not being perfect. I have that fear when it comes to grad school projects when I work and work and toil only to come up with (in my opinion) as second rate work. Halfway through my 3rd & 4th classes, I've yet to receive a grade less than 100%, but I still continue to fret over it. But this should actually be given to another post at another time.

So, what brings me to finally put thoughts into the interweb. I was reminded this week of several inescapable truths that seemed to permeate my thoughts this week. The most prominent thought being striking realization of the spiritual battle that is being waged on a daily basis in my soul and heart. This truth was made evident earlier this week when a friend of mine had a parent/mother-in-law that passed away suddenly. It was and has been definitely hard for the family, but I've seen the body of Christ wrap their arms around them and loving encourage and support them. I've heard of several instances in the past week where God has given opportunities for the gospel to be presented in ways and venues that wouldn't have been possible without this unfortunate tragedy. I've heard of people asking pointed questions and contemplating God/spirituality/church/scripture who would have otherwise mocked or scorned the mention of it weeks or days before.

I used the words "seen" and "heard" for a poignant yet disturbing purpose because I was not a part of that "active body life" this week. When a family needed encouragement, love, support, grace, and comfort, I was no where to be found. I purposely drove to the church where the visitation was held on Wednesday night to go inside then saw myself not stop the car and keep on driving. The maddening selfishness of my spirit was like bile in my throat. I was/am disgusted with the way that I ignored the Spirit's prompting to satisfy the "easyness" of not embrace community. The insane aspect was my struggle all day over this issue and how I made a "snap" judgment to ignore fellowship around the gospel. One of my initial thought on Wednesday morning was "I wish I could go, but I have school tonight" which was quickly countered with "But class will be over by 8ish and the visitation goes until 9". The battle continued..."I haven't been actively engaging in this relationship/fellowship recently with the family who was affected by the tragedy" which was knocked down by "But you are the church, the redeemed/adopted child of God, and need to be there". This continued from flesh to spirit all day until I decided while sitting in my Instruction & Tech class that I would go and be there for them, fellowship and comfort, pray for and pray with.

Then, I got in the car surprisingly (but not surprisingly, the dialogue continued) and "it's late" and "you haven't eaten yet" and "you're wearing jeans & sandals" and "you really should work on the group project due next week" popped in my head in rapid succession. By the time I drove up to the church, I'd done a complete 180 degree turn to listening and succumbing to the mounting doubts and temptations. Now, I'm writing not just to proclaim my insanity or make it sound like I have voices in my head (well, kinda, but not really), but to share what God benevolently taught and is teaching me now through it.

I screwed up...yes. I failed at ministering grace this week....yup. I gave into doubt & temptation and in the proccess, sinned...definitely. The accusations and doubts of the tempter & my flesh conflicted with my soul & the prompting of the Spirit. I chose to rest in chains of self instead of the freeing, liberating power of a life in tune with God. I doubted the sufficiency of the gospel by not seeing it as preeminent and seeing my momentary gratification as tantamount.

But God was faithful to remind me through reading, praying, worshipping, sermons/podcasts, and encouragement even this morning through a several hour conversation with friends that His finished work on the cross does not lead me to succumb to guilt over past mistakes. The law says "do, do, do" while the cross says "done". I thought the momentary reprise of an awkward situation would be more satisfying than relishing in the hope of the gospel over one of the saints being called home by the Father. I'm holding a weight over myself that the Father doesn't hold against me. The "old man was crucified with him, that the body of sin might be done away, that so we should no longer be in bondage to sin; 7 for he that hath died is justified from sin." (Rom. 6:6-7) He is not displeased with me. He loves and cherishes me in spite of me. I'm reminded of how much He's given so that I don't have to experience spiritual death. He draws me to himself to refine and shape and strengthen my weakness, and my heart is overflowing with gladness and gratitude for the redeeming love that I did nothing to earn.

So, how does this apply today? What do I take away from this instance of weakness then remembrance of the Savior & repentance of sin? God redeemed and adopted me because it gave Him infinite pleasure to be glorified in and through a hopeless sinner being miraculous brought from eternal damnation to everlasting life. So, I am and can be today satisfied with God alone. If I hold on to guilt over forgiven sin, I'm stating that Christ's purchase of me and atonement for my sin debt is of none effect. So, I rest in the Father's work, cherish the Son who restored that fellowship with the Father, and engage with and ask for the Spirit to empower my thinking and guard my heart against doubt.

A certain song has been rushing through my head the past few days and especially today. It was actually referenced in a sermon on "Jesus in the Wilderness: Driven, Tempted, Served" given at Grace Bible this Sunday that so aptly prepared the hearts of a congregation that would be affected by tragedy this week. I love the following phrasing in the first verse (hence the title of this entry): When Satan’s accusations make my poor heart afraid, I hear my King declaring “Father, that debt is paid!” . How can you not rejoice with me? Here's "Jesus, My Only Hope in it's entirety:

I come into Your presence
With nothing in my hands
I only bring thanksgiving
For Jesus, God and Man
I cast myself on mercy
I cast myself on love
I trust Your gracious promise
To wash me with Your blood

I will not fear Your judgment
For me no wrath I dread
For it was spent on Jesus
Poured out upon His head
When Satan’s accusations
Make my poor heart afraid
I hear my King declaring
“Father, that debt is paid!”

CHORUS
Jesus my only hope
My only plea
My righteousness
My Great High Priest
Who intercedes for me
Before the throne
Jesus, I trust in You alone

Though I am poor and naked
Your prodigal come home
You place Your robe upon me
Your holiness alone
Though I be dry and barren
By grace this love springs forth
Love for You and Your Kingdom
Joy in Your glory, Lord

Between Reality & Fantasy

Recently, I've been reminded that I struggle between reality and fantasy. By fantasy, I don't mean a mystical world of wizards, warlocks, and furry-footed hobbits, but grappling with my own flurry of imaginative disarray which leads to reading between the lines. It's a frightening thing when we let our mind get the best of us. We allow ourselves to build up a false reality that must be more "real" than what we're actually interacting with on a regular basis.

I tend to "read into" things on a regular basis especially when it comes to relationships or potential relationships. I think past what is being said to the implied meaning or I accept the "reading between the lines" as equal or greater to what's being said. When someone says they need time to think or don't have the time, I jump to the conclusion that I'm unimportant or being slighted (because in my "fantasy" world, I'm also king).

In my fantasy world, my opinion seems to be the only one that matters but not really. I crave the opinions, accolades, attention, and approval of every subject in my "land of make believe". If you feel differently, I will pout and seek the consoling respite of one of my subjects. I will lavish on them the bountiful travesty of my plight and how I was slighted, misused, abused, and scorned (again, all in my head). And my loyal subjects will heartily agree that my pain & hurt has been "unjustly" poured out on me which leads me to "justly" resent, backbite, slander, and react often with malice and ill-intent. To secure my kingdom and keeping the borders safe from outside attack, an electronic letter or message of mobility will be sent to the potential usurper of my pride.

Ironically, my castle walls still fall down and my pride comes rushing from it's dwelling place in the dungeon to rear it's dastardly head breathing out continuing sobs of pity and emotional contrition. My pride has been dashed against the rocks and wails in anguish, but it is sadly never defeated. I still reign on the throne of my heart and be careful that you don't encroach on my kingdom of self because in my world there is little room for outsiders.

Basically, I'm a horribly, wretched person that sways from degrees of pride to self-adulation and aggrandizement to pitiful, self-loathing debauchery. Sin tries to reign and recently, I've let it. My degrees of discerning the reality from the fiction has cost me dearly in relationships.

But I can't leave here without hope and as Paul when he came to the end of Romans 7 wrestled with the insanity of his wretched soul, I have the same hope even though it often is clouded by my mystical realm of me.

"21I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22I love God’s law with all my heart. 23But there is another powere within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? 25Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin." NLT

a lot of prodigals

Seems to be a constant theme from the multiple facebook shares of this video...which is stellar (and the repeat showing at the NEXT conference):



to reading Prodigal God by Tim Keller last month to see the real (primary) Prodigal as the Father relentlessly & recklessly pursuing His children...

to replaying "The Prodigal" over & over again the last couple of weeks (which the video/song is from) from "Sons & Daughters" by Sovereign Grace Music which is one of their best...and that's saying something.

to a great reminder last night in group redemption as we reached Luke 15 and covered it yet again.

Seems God is trying to get a few things across to me/us...we are never too far from His grace, we are not condemned by our sin if we are found in Him, and we can try to find fulfillment in many things (wealth, possessions, relationships), but they never satisfy in a way only He can.

Btw, check out the NEXT sermons, pics, worship lineup/purposes for certain songs, and a couple of great articles/songs from Bob Kauflin on battling sin/lust & living with disabilities all from Memorial Day weekend...they're so good...more on that later.