Progress However Slow is Still Progress...

I've battled with self-righteousness for years. I've often thought that my status with God is based on my behavior. If I do good, God will bless. If I'm not being blessed, then I must be doing something to displease God. So, I've treated my relationship with God like a wheel of samsara in which all my actions determine a equal yet deserving karmic effect.

I don't espouse the Hindi beliefs of karma and the four-fold Buddhist path of suffering, yet I've often lived that way. I've been the elder brother in Luke 15 that refuses to go into the party to celebrate my younger, no longer prodigal brother's return. I think my father has held something back from me. He's not blessing me though I've kept all his rules, been there when my pagan brother wasn't, suffered from the loss of inheritance squandered by said brother, and like I said "kept all his rules". Where's my party? Where's my blessing? What haven't I done to please the father that he would give to the undeserving son and not the faithful one?

I look for opportunities to control my environment and how the father should treat me instead of just enjoying the opportunity that I have to be with the father. I squander precious moments worrying over what will be and how I can get, get, get from the father for my own gain instead of relishing the Father's presence with no regard for what I might get.

The last couple of months have been a scouring time of oftentimes rough, abrasive treatments. Every time that I think I'm making headway, and I've been given clarity on a situation then I get proud. Every time that I ignore issues, problems, pressing thoughts and sweep them under the proverbial rug then I fear, worry, and panic. I call out in distress, but often just to alleviate the pain not to receive peace from the father. I'm overly concerned with what isn't, what might be, and how to achieve my end goals that I destroy any semblance of trust, faith, or obedience to Christ.

I've quenched the Holy Spirit; I've ignored people; I've not cherished the gospel or preached it to myself regularly; I've been angry and frustrated with myself and reveled in guilt and shame recently like a warm blanket; I've doubted God's goodness on many occasions; I've looked to my own devices, been blinded by the deceitfulness of my heart, and wanted my way above all else; I've run from problems; I've run from responsibility; I've been running from God.

I try to put on a brave face and act like everything is okay. I've said that it is on innumerable occasions. I keep putting up a facade. I put up a barrier between myself and others for fear of them knowing me for me. I'll just get rejected again. Honestly, I don't think I can bear the weight of that again.

So, how is there progress? What have I learned in the last couple of weeks? What evidences of change and growth is the Spirit showing me?

Less petitioning God for wants and needs...more gratefulness, casting cares, praising, recognition of His grace. I see myself praying more...praying for my kids (even in the moment when Jean is running the opposite way down the hallway); every new coffee shop I've visited recently (5 new ones in the last 2-3 weeks) God's prompted me to pray for the barista, the patrons...and actually engage in meaningful conversation with both (I know...for me it's unusual, but it has to be grace...it has to be him because it's not my usual introverted, awkward self); I've been finding it easier to just be with people, learn their stories, pray with them (because I'm not concerned with their perception of me...it's their perception of Christ in me that makes all the difference...weird that I'm just figuring this out); I've even shared the gospel with a Jehovah's Witness (granted, I had hit him (his car) with my car a couple of weeks earlier...which is a whole 'nother story).

I'm not so much concerned about "getting it right" or making all the "right decisions" because I've got to control my own environment. I can just be, breath, take in moments, turn a 9 minute drive in the morning to work into a 30 minute prayer stroll, sit on the roof of my row home look out on the Frankford area and pray for the gospel to disturb this area as only it can, run more, take more pictures, draw more, insatiably read, I dance a lot more (and I danced a lot before...not good mind you ;), engaging people more, sing more (not sappy break-up songs that were prevalent a month ago)..sing more about the Father & what Christ's sacrifice has done & is doing, write more, write poetry more, write commentaries on the scripture I read, meditate on the word...really chew on it, cherish God's people and tell them that, share what's on my heart and share what God's doing, open up my heart to people more and allow God to change my recent propensity to hold back for fear of rejection.

This progress is real slow, but I think that's the way God wants it. Too fast, and I'd expect too much probably thinking that I had something to do with it. Slow enough to daily trust that I can't do it; Slow enough to savor moments; Slow enough to realize grace covers shame; Slow enough to cast my cares and not get overwhelmed; Slow enough to not drown in guilt; Slow enough to cherish the gospel and it's moment by moment transforming implications to my life...just slow.