Well, this 23 month hiatus marks my longest removal from the blogosphere. A lot has occurred in the previous two years which has caused an upheaval to my life up to that point.
So, to quickly recap: I reunited with the girl mentioned in previous posts...the "light that sometimes surprises" was God's grace in bringing her back into my life. Now, we are less than a week from our 1 year wedding anniversary. She is my best friend and the love of my life. I have been living in NE Philadelphia for almost 4 years now. I am four weeks away from receiving a Master's degree. In the meantime, I have been substitute teaching in Philadelphia for the last 2 1/2 years. Currently, I am completing my last week of 14 total weeks as a student teacher in NE Philadelphia. My wife and I also recently joined up with a church plant in the Wissinoming area of the city.
So, why am I coming back to blogger? Why now? Maybe, I am feeling reflective thinking over past year of marriage, the end of student teaching, and the finale of my masters/certification program. Maybe, I am just looking for an outlet for my thoughts. Blogging has always been therapeutic for me, and hopefully my thoughts carry something more substantial than the inane ramblings of an almost 30 year old. My hope is my thoughts are not my own because there's nothing special with me, but hopefully they carry the weight of the Father's enabling dripping with grace and infused by the Spirit. So, we'll see ;)
Sometimes a Light Suprises
"Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's;
he makes me tread on my high places." Habakkuk 3:17-19
I come back to this verse that I wrote on a couple of months ago. At the time, I was wrestling through some doubts, fears, despairing thoughts, and disillusions. I'm glad that God takes me through valleys of sorrow to bring me to rivers of joy (thank you JoC).
It's good to be reminded of where you were, and the rest you could find when the vines were fruitless and the fields were fallow. I trust in God not because the blessing is evident, but because the Blesser is ever-present. It's good to be reminded of God's grace and evident mercy when the blessing is evident. I don't want to forget that as well and pray the Spirit continues to make that evident.
When I think of the happenings of the past 6 days...I'm blown away by God's reminder of blessing. He has been and always will be the giver of all good gifts. I'm pretty thankful for the good gift that He's brought back into my life recently. Many of my pining and questioning entries over the last 4 months have been my heart's pull toward this person, and I couldn't be more excited that God has renewed that relationship as if we hadn't skipped a beat and cultivating it to glorify Him as the source of all joy.
This song by Indelible Grace has been ringing in my ears/heart all day, and the basic message reminds me primarily of how the shining light of God into the Christian's heart which jolts the senses, awakens the eyes, and rejuvenates the affections...what's been dead has been resuscitated to new life. When I think of it, it also reminds me of that relationship recently brought back to life..."Sometimes a light surprises the Christian while he sings, It is the Lord who rises with healing in His wings, When comforts are declining, He grants the soul again; A season of clear shining, to cheer it after the rain... Yet, God the same abiding, His praise shall tune my voice; For, while in Him confiding, I cannot but rejoice."
I love it...enjoy!
Sometimes a light surprises
The Christian while he sings;
It is the Lord who rises
With healing in His wings:
When comforts are declining,
He grants the soul again
A season of clear shining,
To cheer it after the rain.
In holy contemplation
We sweetly then pursue
The theme of God's salvation,
And find it ever new;
Set free from present sorrow,
We cheerfully can say,
Let the unknown tomorrow
Bring with it what it may.
Tomorrow can bring us nothing,
But He will bear us through:
Who gives the lilies clothing
Will clothe His people, too:
Beneath the spreading heavens
No creature but is fed;
And He Who feeds the ravens
Will give His children bread.
Though vine nor fig tree neither
Their wonted fruit should bear,
Though all the fields should wither,
Nor flocks or herds be there
Yet, God the same abiding,
His praise shall tune my voice;
For, while in Him confiding,
I cannot but rejoice.
he makes me tread on my high places." Habakkuk 3:17-19
I come back to this verse that I wrote on a couple of months ago. At the time, I was wrestling through some doubts, fears, despairing thoughts, and disillusions. I'm glad that God takes me through valleys of sorrow to bring me to rivers of joy (thank you JoC).
It's good to be reminded of where you were, and the rest you could find when the vines were fruitless and the fields were fallow. I trust in God not because the blessing is evident, but because the Blesser is ever-present. It's good to be reminded of God's grace and evident mercy when the blessing is evident. I don't want to forget that as well and pray the Spirit continues to make that evident.
When I think of the happenings of the past 6 days...I'm blown away by God's reminder of blessing. He has been and always will be the giver of all good gifts. I'm pretty thankful for the good gift that He's brought back into my life recently. Many of my pining and questioning entries over the last 4 months have been my heart's pull toward this person, and I couldn't be more excited that God has renewed that relationship as if we hadn't skipped a beat and cultivating it to glorify Him as the source of all joy.
This song by Indelible Grace has been ringing in my ears/heart all day, and the basic message reminds me primarily of how the shining light of God into the Christian's heart which jolts the senses, awakens the eyes, and rejuvenates the affections...what's been dead has been resuscitated to new life. When I think of it, it also reminds me of that relationship recently brought back to life..."Sometimes a light surprises the Christian while he sings, It is the Lord who rises with healing in His wings, When comforts are declining, He grants the soul again; A season of clear shining, to cheer it after the rain... Yet, God the same abiding, His praise shall tune my voice; For, while in Him confiding, I cannot but rejoice."
I love it...enjoy!
Sometimes a light surprises
The Christian while he sings;
It is the Lord who rises
With healing in His wings:
When comforts are declining,
He grants the soul again
A season of clear shining,
To cheer it after the rain.
In holy contemplation
We sweetly then pursue
The theme of God's salvation,
And find it ever new;
Set free from present sorrow,
We cheerfully can say,
Let the unknown tomorrow
Bring with it what it may.
Tomorrow can bring us nothing,
But He will bear us through:
Who gives the lilies clothing
Will clothe His people, too:
Beneath the spreading heavens
No creature but is fed;
And He Who feeds the ravens
Will give His children bread.
Though vine nor fig tree neither
Their wonted fruit should bear,
Though all the fields should wither,
Nor flocks or herds be there
Yet, God the same abiding,
His praise shall tune my voice;
For, while in Him confiding,
I cannot but rejoice.
Let your Will Be Done in Me
When a song shuffles on the itunes that I really need to hear, I can't help but be thankful. It may be the Calvinist in me, but I tend to view those situations as providential. Today was no exception...God has used this CD to be a comfort and a peace when my souls been disquieted recently, and "As Long as You Are Glorified" is no exception. Oh, that I would be to the praise of His glory regardless of the pain or blessing. It's my prayer and hope, and I hope it blesses you too. I hope to be reminded of that tonight at Lampmode's Tea Time...should be dope (thanks Brian for your influence...trying to get in the right mind frame for tonight :)!
"In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves" Ephesians 1:5-6 (NIV)
A Philly Phriday
Some days are like this. Some weeks are like this. I'd spent the last 3 months substitute teaching at a great school with 5th graders in the morning & Kindergarten/1st graders in the afternoon. I loved these kids from the moment I met them and hated to go when their teacher came back from maternity leave. Some days they were crazy and some days they were angels, but they never ceased to amaze me. Technically, they were in special ed programs, and the word special is definitely underrated. Yea, most struggled with behavioral issues, learning disabilities, autism, intellectual disabilities, etc., but they were/are so much more than that. They were special because they fought to be "normal", persevered in spite of ability, made huge strides in their education, and learned that they could "do it". I miss them all ginormously!!
So, this week was the first week back to day-to-day subbing. I took a day off here, took a couple of half days there, and just took the week easy. I thank God for the flexibility of substitute teaching especially how it works with my grad class schedule. But grad classes are over...so this week was just lovely to relax, go to a coffee shop, watch a movie, read a book (or several), try new places, and meet new people. Some of my favorite new places to hang are BBP in University City with some of the most unique and fantastic burgers I've ever become acquainted with, the Memphis Taproom with it's rotating local on tap list, beer battered pickles (to die for...which is convenient bc they might kill ya), and smoked coconut & tofu club, and the Rocket Cat Cafe which from it's Shepard Fairey external mural, to it's bagels with homemade Apple Maple Ginger Cream Cheese (divine!), to solid coffee, & it's predominantly hipster, urban gentrified clientele...I think I've found a new love in Fishtown!
So, as I was ruminating on these things this morning before spending a half day with a great group of life skills students at the nearby elementary school, I was reminded and overjoyed at God's graciousness to me. I often overlook the moments that I have to just sit and reminisce over his goodness. He's provided affordable housing & transportation, a job that I love more each day, and good health. He's given me great and encouraging roommates, great friends that sharpen me continually, and an amazing body of believers in NE Philly that have truly become my family (away from family). He's blessed me with a great family that I love, would do anything for, and even thought they're far away that we can still be close.
And, if that wasn't enough...God's given me His Son, rescued me from my own self-induced damnation, given me a new heart to serve Him with, reconciled me to Himself, the Creator of the universe, and daily transforming me more and more into the image of His Son...I couldn't ask for more, but to be freshly affected by it and to be drenched in humility to worship Him all the more. So, as I sat in the Rocket Cat this morning...eating my bagel with apple maple ginger cream cheese and slowly sipping on a cup of java, I thanked God...as I wrote, I named ways He's shown Himself lately. As words of praise echoed in my earbuds, I sat in wonder of who He is. As I sat this evening with friends outside...grilling out, watching the Phils (squeak out a close (but authoritative) victory over those lowly Braves), and fellowshipping, I thanked God again for all His good gifts that we don't deserve, but are continually grateful for...He's definitely worthy of our praise!
So, this week was the first week back to day-to-day subbing. I took a day off here, took a couple of half days there, and just took the week easy. I thank God for the flexibility of substitute teaching especially how it works with my grad class schedule. But grad classes are over...so this week was just lovely to relax, go to a coffee shop, watch a movie, read a book (or several), try new places, and meet new people. Some of my favorite new places to hang are BBP in University City with some of the most unique and fantastic burgers I've ever become acquainted with, the Memphis Taproom with it's rotating local on tap list, beer battered pickles (to die for...which is convenient bc they might kill ya), and smoked coconut & tofu club, and the Rocket Cat Cafe which from it's Shepard Fairey external mural, to it's bagels with homemade Apple Maple Ginger Cream Cheese (divine!), to solid coffee, & it's predominantly hipster, urban gentrified clientele...I think I've found a new love in Fishtown!
So, as I was ruminating on these things this morning before spending a half day with a great group of life skills students at the nearby elementary school, I was reminded and overjoyed at God's graciousness to me. I often overlook the moments that I have to just sit and reminisce over his goodness. He's provided affordable housing & transportation, a job that I love more each day, and good health. He's given me great and encouraging roommates, great friends that sharpen me continually, and an amazing body of believers in NE Philly that have truly become my family (away from family). He's blessed me with a great family that I love, would do anything for, and even thought they're far away that we can still be close.
And, if that wasn't enough...God's given me His Son, rescued me from my own self-induced damnation, given me a new heart to serve Him with, reconciled me to Himself, the Creator of the universe, and daily transforming me more and more into the image of His Son...I couldn't ask for more, but to be freshly affected by it and to be drenched in humility to worship Him all the more. So, as I sat in the Rocket Cat this morning...eating my bagel with apple maple ginger cream cheese and slowly sipping on a cup of java, I thanked God...as I wrote, I named ways He's shown Himself lately. As words of praise echoed in my earbuds, I sat in wonder of who He is. As I sat this evening with friends outside...grilling out, watching the Phils (squeak out a close (but authoritative) victory over those lowly Braves), and fellowshipping, I thanked God again for all His good gifts that we don't deserve, but are continually grateful for...He's definitely worthy of our praise!
Beauty in Letting Go...
Beauty in Letting Go
Holding on to much, needing to relinquish my grip
On the things I can't control that grant me service with the lip
Dripping like pools of substance though empty to the draught
In the wind whispering echoes of engagement that come to naught
Seeking in self, falling in fear, drowning in despair
Knowing though not trusting like trying to grasp the air
Loosening grip as the Spirit beckons me come and drink
Life waters given as one leaves it all the brink
Running start, jumping and letting go, falling weightless
The wind rushing past jet streams of savory sweetness
Hands open, palms up, arms outstretched being overtaken
Arms of grace engulf, waves of mercy wash never shaken
Peace found in relinquishing the me that seeks to destroy
That sinking me holding on to self like a child with a toy
The Father's joys are greater to those whose hearts are his
Faith arouses the adopted's affections to resuscitating bliss
Beauty of Letting Go by Green Ordinance initially inspired this post. Honestly, I'd forgotten the song, but the song title had been ringing in my head the past couple of weeks. I love it because I am continually reminded of things that I can't control, but try to often (with disastrous results). God reminded me again how the new life in Him resuscitates the heart when it seems bleakest. Like Aron Ralston, it may take time, but some things need to be let go of. Reading 2 Corinthians 4 the other day just rocked my world. I love verses 16-18 because this passage shows the tendency to despair, the "seeming" reality of bad circumstances, the sanctifying grace in the process, the way to "not lose heart" by looking to the unseen, and the faith demanded by trusting in God is the only faith that's really legitimate. Love these verses...
Beauty of Letting Go by Green River Ordinance
Holding on to much, needing to relinquish my grip
On the things I can't control that grant me service with the lip
Dripping like pools of substance though empty to the draught
In the wind whispering echoes of engagement that come to naught
Seeking in self, falling in fear, drowning in despair
Knowing though not trusting like trying to grasp the air
Loosening grip as the Spirit beckons me come and drink
Life waters given as one leaves it all the brink
Running start, jumping and letting go, falling weightless
The wind rushing past jet streams of savory sweetness
Hands open, palms up, arms outstretched being overtaken
Arms of grace engulf, waves of mercy wash never shaken
Peace found in relinquishing the me that seeks to destroy
That sinking me holding on to self like a child with a toy
The Father's joys are greater to those whose hearts are his
Faith arouses the adopted's affections to resuscitating bliss
Beauty of Letting Go by Green Ordinance initially inspired this post. Honestly, I'd forgotten the song, but the song title had been ringing in my head the past couple of weeks. I love it because I am continually reminded of things that I can't control, but try to often (with disastrous results). God reminded me again how the new life in Him resuscitates the heart when it seems bleakest. Like Aron Ralston, it may take time, but some things need to be let go of. Reading 2 Corinthians 4 the other day just rocked my world. I love verses 16-18 because this passage shows the tendency to despair, the "seeming" reality of bad circumstances, the sanctifying grace in the process, the way to "not lose heart" by looking to the unseen, and the faith demanded by trusting in God is the only faith that's really legitimate. Love these verses...
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.(ESV)
Beauty of Letting Go by Green River Ordinance
Stand outside these city walls
And feel the forces swimming strong
You're bathed in starlight, pulled through ocean tide
It hits you here, tonight and
And you're falling out of all you were
And you're finding out the beauty of letting go
Spend our whole life stuck in alright
Me, I've been there, sung that song before
Don't let your smile turn with the tide
You'll shine again, you're soon to find
That you're falling out of all you were
And you're finding out the beauty of letting go
And you're falling out of all you were
And you're finding out the beauty of letting go
You're waiting for the right time, waiting for the right time
Oh, you're waiting for the right time, waiting for the right time
Oh, you're waiting for the right time, waiting for the right time
Oh, you're waiting for the right time, right time, now
Oh, you're waiting for the right time, stop waiting for the right time
Oh, whoa, you're waiting for the right time, stop waiting for the right time
Oh, whoa, you're waiting for the right time, stop waiting for the right time
Oh, you're waiting for the right time
A Love/Hate Relationship
Prologue:
I wrote this entry...then a friend tweeted this quote by Tim Keller "Do you think the opposite of love is hate? No! The opposite of love is fear...fear is self-centered. Love is self-giving." So, for sake of time, it would be more apropo to substitute most of the "hate" with "fear"...maybe...you'll get the idea (when I don't love, I'm self-absorbed and often act out of fear). Now, on to the original entry:
Grad school,
what are things I have a love/hate relationship with...ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!
What's crazy is I originally had God on this list but took Him off. Why? To save face for those out in the interweb. To not admit that I may not say it, but live as if I "feel an extreme aversion for"...thank you Dictionary.com. I love God, but at times I don't live like I do...I hate that about me!
I love grad school. Overall, I enjoy my profs. I've made good friendships and have built on old ones. I usually don't mind the work, but I've been relatively apathetic this semester (and it's shown at times...to me at least). I've always been the perfectionist when it came to school work, but that's taken a back seat recently to procrastinating on grad work...I hate that about me. I've counted it up and this week alone I've spent over 30hours on grad projects, papers, article/journal reviews, etc. for projects that are due...this week (and one big final project due next Wednesday). I've spent most of a gorgeous spring Saturday finishing up that one, big final project...I hate procrastinating. It reminds me that I'm human. It reminds me that I'm selfish. It reminds me that I'm not ambitious like I was before.
I hate goodbyes. I've thought a lot about my dad this week...cried a couple of times because I'd like to talk with Him and can't...mainly because He just listened. He never judged or held me in contempt. He would often question, but He did it because he cared and I knew he did. He was straight with me..especially the last couple of years of His life, and it pains me that He's not here anymore. Today, I drank several cups of tea from the moose mug that I got Him several years ago in MT (and found sifting through his belongings after the funeral...it's my new favorite). But, I love that He's been united with His God...there's hope in Christ's death & resurrection. I love that.
Sometimes, I can't stand relationships...the one's with the ladies that is (I know that this wasn't one, but it's been on my mind). I love the newness of them...the getting to know somebody, their likes/dislikes, their quirks, dreams, aspirations, the quality time when quantity is not an option. I love the growth of them...the learning how to manage time, wanting to share more, learning to trust somebody else with my affections, learning to truly love, not being scared to let somebody love you back & gladly letting your heart be pulled at it's strings by another person.
But, I hate:
"I'm just not that into you's",
I'm not a big fan of giving so much of myself for it not to be ultimately reciprocated. I love the risk of putting myself out there...but hate the rejection that's come from it so far. I hate myself for being so willing to trust, but I think it's also one of my best qualities (and I'm grateful to God for that). I love that my initial reaction to the breakup was so healthy knowing that God allowed it to happen for his purposes and glory, and even though it didn't go the way I thought it would...I was okay because I knew God was worthy to be trusted. I hate that my trust in God's timing, purposes, and direction in that area was short lived. It almost seems like my trust in His purposes was a facade because I really wasn't okay with it...still am not. I've wrestled with God a lot about it over the past couple of months. I've questioned and doubted and overthought and questioned again.
Recently, I came to the end of myself...again. I thank God for His pursuance of me. I don't know what I'd do without it. A friend said this the day after she broke up me...I think it was meant to be a comfort, but at the time it didn't mean that to me. Of a recent relationship of his that ended he said, "I had to realize that what it all boils down to is she didn't like me for me." When it comes down to it, relationships are a preference...they really are. I may say I love you, but that love is a choice. I prefer vanilla over chocolate ice cream. Now, that doesn't mean I don't have chocolate every so often, but when it comes down to an ultimate choice I have to go with my gut. She did and has moved on. I needed to. Now, what in the world does "moving on" look like? I don't think it means finding somebody else...now, statistically speaking I have a 90% chance of getting married someday (so I will "move on" with someone someday). I think it starts with being content with where God has me and with who He's making me to be.
I've struggled to trust Him, but in the last couple of weeks He's brought me back around. I still doubt at times...I hate that about me. But, I know that my relationship with Him is not built on what I do or who I am, but what Christ did for me & who He says I am. So, I will question...I will doubt. I will wonder what could of been...there will be "baggage" of sorts because you carry those feelings, expectations, and hurts with you (how you let them affect you and another person makes all the difference). I hope that I'll be willing able to share feelings...just not early on...pretty sure I scared the last one away with this. It's funny...because I think she thought I was farther along then her, but in reality I wasn't. I liked her and I wanted to pursue her toward the end result of marriage, but I was not in a rush. It's funny how a lack of proper communication of feelings/perceptions of one another can make people anxious/afraid so they'll flee rather than talk about them. I wish she could have seen me for me rather than her perception of me...ah well. I still miss her...some days more than others. I still pray for her often, and will continue for a while I'm sure. It is hard to stop caring when you love someone. This may sound crazy, but I would still take her back in a heartbeat if she wanted...I'm not sure if I love or hate that about me. I may not want to move on, but I need to.
So, I'll continue to move on...not in my own strength, but trusting in the Father's. Someday, I may find somebody who will love the Father more than me, love people, love the church, give of herself to see others find joy in the Savior, care for the little ones like Christ did, and it'd be nice if this one liked me for me and not just the "idea of me". So, I'm thankful for the Spirit's continual prodding of my heart to make me discontent with my discontent. I'm thankful for the relationships that I do have, and the people God's placed in my life. I'm thankful for my family who loves me no matter what (just wished they lived closer). I'm thankful for the dating relationship that I did have for those few months...she brought me so much joy, God brought me closer to Him, and He's showing me so much more about Himself through it all and made me love Him more for it (that's all I could have ever asked for). I'm also thankful that eharmony doesn't get rid of your info once you close out an account...definitely saved me some time in not having to set up a new profile :)
I wrote this entry...then a friend tweeted this quote by Tim Keller "Do you think the opposite of love is hate? No! The opposite of love is fear...fear is self-centered. Love is self-giving." So, for sake of time, it would be more apropo to substitute most of the "hate" with "fear"...maybe...you'll get the idea (when I don't love, I'm self-absorbed and often act out of fear). Now, on to the original entry:
Grad school,
goodbyes,my students at times,
this blog,
what are things I have a love/hate relationship with...ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!
What's crazy is I originally had God on this list but took Him off. Why? To save face for those out in the interweb. To not admit that I may not say it, but live as if I "feel an extreme aversion for"...thank you Dictionary.com. I love God, but at times I don't live like I do...I hate that about me!
I love grad school. Overall, I enjoy my profs. I've made good friendships and have built on old ones. I usually don't mind the work, but I've been relatively apathetic this semester (and it's shown at times...to me at least). I've always been the perfectionist when it came to school work, but that's taken a back seat recently to procrastinating on grad work...I hate that about me. I've counted it up and this week alone I've spent over 30hours on grad projects, papers, article/journal reviews, etc. for projects that are due...this week (and one big final project due next Wednesday). I've spent most of a gorgeous spring Saturday finishing up that one, big final project...I hate procrastinating. It reminds me that I'm human. It reminds me that I'm selfish. It reminds me that I'm not ambitious like I was before.
I hate goodbyes. I've thought a lot about my dad this week...cried a couple of times because I'd like to talk with Him and can't...mainly because He just listened. He never judged or held me in contempt. He would often question, but He did it because he cared and I knew he did. He was straight with me..especially the last couple of years of His life, and it pains me that He's not here anymore. Today, I drank several cups of tea from the moose mug that I got Him several years ago in MT (and found sifting through his belongings after the funeral...it's my new favorite). But, I love that He's been united with His God...there's hope in Christ's death & resurrection. I love that.
Sometimes, I can't stand relationships...the one's with the ladies that is (I know that this wasn't one, but it's been on my mind). I love the newness of them...the getting to know somebody, their likes/dislikes, their quirks, dreams, aspirations, the quality time when quantity is not an option. I love the growth of them...the learning how to manage time, wanting to share more, learning to trust somebody else with my affections, learning to truly love, not being scared to let somebody love you back & gladly letting your heart be pulled at it's strings by another person.
But, I hate:
"I'm just not that into you's",
"I need to break up with you's", and"you'll find somebody else's".
I'm not a big fan of giving so much of myself for it not to be ultimately reciprocated. I love the risk of putting myself out there...but hate the rejection that's come from it so far. I hate myself for being so willing to trust, but I think it's also one of my best qualities (and I'm grateful to God for that). I love that my initial reaction to the breakup was so healthy knowing that God allowed it to happen for his purposes and glory, and even though it didn't go the way I thought it would...I was okay because I knew God was worthy to be trusted. I hate that my trust in God's timing, purposes, and direction in that area was short lived. It almost seems like my trust in His purposes was a facade because I really wasn't okay with it...still am not. I've wrestled with God a lot about it over the past couple of months. I've questioned and doubted and overthought and questioned again.
Recently, I came to the end of myself...again. I thank God for His pursuance of me. I don't know what I'd do without it. A friend said this the day after she broke up me...I think it was meant to be a comfort, but at the time it didn't mean that to me. Of a recent relationship of his that ended he said, "I had to realize that what it all boils down to is she didn't like me for me." When it comes down to it, relationships are a preference...they really are. I may say I love you, but that love is a choice. I prefer vanilla over chocolate ice cream. Now, that doesn't mean I don't have chocolate every so often, but when it comes down to an ultimate choice I have to go with my gut. She did and has moved on. I needed to. Now, what in the world does "moving on" look like? I don't think it means finding somebody else...now, statistically speaking I have a 90% chance of getting married someday (so I will "move on" with someone someday). I think it starts with being content with where God has me and with who He's making me to be.
I've struggled to trust Him, but in the last couple of weeks He's brought me back around. I still doubt at times...I hate that about me. But, I know that my relationship with Him is not built on what I do or who I am, but what Christ did for me & who He says I am. So, I will question...I will doubt. I will wonder what could of been...there will be "baggage" of sorts because you carry those feelings, expectations, and hurts with you (how you let them affect you and another person makes all the difference). I hope that I'll be willing able to share feelings...just not early on...pretty sure I scared the last one away with this. It's funny...because I think she thought I was farther along then her, but in reality I wasn't. I liked her and I wanted to pursue her toward the end result of marriage, but I was not in a rush. It's funny how a lack of proper communication of feelings/perceptions of one another can make people anxious/afraid so they'll flee rather than talk about them. I wish she could have seen me for me rather than her perception of me...ah well. I still miss her...some days more than others. I still pray for her often, and will continue for a while I'm sure. It is hard to stop caring when you love someone. This may sound crazy, but I would still take her back in a heartbeat if she wanted...I'm not sure if I love or hate that about me. I may not want to move on, but I need to.
So, I'll continue to move on...not in my own strength, but trusting in the Father's. Someday, I may find somebody who will love the Father more than me, love people, love the church, give of herself to see others find joy in the Savior, care for the little ones like Christ did, and it'd be nice if this one liked me for me and not just the "idea of me". So, I'm thankful for the Spirit's continual prodding of my heart to make me discontent with my discontent. I'm thankful for the relationships that I do have, and the people God's placed in my life. I'm thankful for my family who loves me no matter what (just wished they lived closer). I'm thankful for the dating relationship that I did have for those few months...she brought me so much joy, God brought me closer to Him, and He's showing me so much more about Himself through it all and made me love Him more for it (that's all I could have ever asked for). I'm also thankful that eharmony doesn't get rid of your info once you close out an account...definitely saved me some time in not having to set up a new profile :)
Countdown to Good Friday - Part Sei (A Good Friday Indeed)
Spending the day reading, meditating, and reveling the gospel...a good Friday indeed. What that day must have been like almost 2,000yrs ago? What people thought about Jesus? What people went about their "everyday" lives hardly taking notice of the commotion? What people couldn't be bothered by what was going on in the city that day? What people thought when going to market that morning finding hoards of people transfixed on one man carrying his cross of execution through the winding streets? What people were inconvenienced in their daily lives by Jesus that day?
It makes me ponder and reflect on how people view Christ today. "Oh, He's a good guy", "He taught people how to show love and care then people killed Him for it", or "He had a good message, but He wasn't God". Oh God, how much they doubted then...how much more they doubt now. God, open the eyes of people today and bring them to you! Enlighten the eyes, melt the hearts of stone, and draw masses of people to you today. This weekend, the world looks toward the Christian church. Some people get days off work, tv and radio news give brief descriptions of today's happenings, and many people actually darken the doors of local churches.
Oh, God that you would be made much of. Help people to see why today is such a "Good" day! God bring many people to yourself in this city. Use your word to impact hearts in Philadelphia. Use the mobility of your saints in the Northeast to bring people to commune with your church today and Sunday.
Reflecting on the reading for tonight's service, working on intonation of the words for a public gathering, and becoming freshly affected by the words of the prophet in the Old Testament. God gave Isaiah many glimpses of what is and what is to come, and his words resonate the tragedy that was Christ's unlawful treatment and the beauty of the Father's purpose in "crushing His Son".
Now, I'd encourage you to read it again or if you're like me sometimes with blogs and you tend to skim/skip scripture passages, read it...really read it. Don't let the words become too familiar. Yea, you might have heard it before, but take it in, drink it in, and don't leave this page unaffected by truth.
Now that you've read it...or read it again. I'd encourage you to pray. Pray for God to help you see Christ as the all-satisfying atonement for your sin. Pray for God to melt you heart to be freshly affected by the truth of the gospel today. Pray for yourself to not be made much of today, but God. Pray for God to remind you throughout today of what He's done for you, and how that should not only affect you, but how you interact with e-v-e-r-y one around you. Pray for God to open eyes and bring people to himself. Pray for local churches around the world that they would proclaim the truth of the gospel today and this weekend.
Now take a minute...read the passage again. No, I'm serious...it's only eight verses...how much of your time could it really eat up? You're probably going to waste 60 seconds messing around with your favorite app later today anyway...so take a moment to pause, reflect, and thank God for the greatest news that you could ever be given. There's hope for sinful people like you...thank God for that. There's hope for that sinful person that you think is outside of grace...thank God for that. There's hope to live out our days in light of Christ's once-for-all atoning sacrifice...oh, thank God with me for that!
I've been long-winded, but thank God for long-windedness over grace. Here's a great song we sang a couple of weeks ago at Grace & are singing on Sunday too. He truly is the Saving One...from sin and self when we are least deserving of it. Oh, and CRANK THIS BABY UP!!
It makes me ponder and reflect on how people view Christ today. "Oh, He's a good guy", "He taught people how to show love and care then people killed Him for it", or "He had a good message, but He wasn't God". Oh God, how much they doubted then...how much more they doubt now. God, open the eyes of people today and bring them to you! Enlighten the eyes, melt the hearts of stone, and draw masses of people to you today. This weekend, the world looks toward the Christian church. Some people get days off work, tv and radio news give brief descriptions of today's happenings, and many people actually darken the doors of local churches.
Oh, God that you would be made much of. Help people to see why today is such a "Good" day! God bring many people to yourself in this city. Use your word to impact hearts in Philadelphia. Use the mobility of your saints in the Northeast to bring people to commune with your church today and Sunday.
Reflecting on the reading for tonight's service, working on intonation of the words for a public gathering, and becoming freshly affected by the words of the prophet in the Old Testament. God gave Isaiah many glimpses of what is and what is to come, and his words resonate the tragedy that was Christ's unlawful treatment and the beauty of the Father's purpose in "crushing His Son".
3 He was despised and rejected by men;
a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief;
and as one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
4 Surely he has borne our griefs
and carried our sorrows;
yet we esteemed him stricken,
smitten by God, and afflicted.
5 But he was wounded for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and with his stripes we are healed.
6 All we like sheep have gone astray;
we have turned—every one—to his own way;
and the Lord has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.
7 He was oppressed, and he was afflicted,
yet he opened not his mouth;
like a lamb that is led to the slaughter,
and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent,
so he opened not his mouth.
8 By oppression and judgment he was taken away;
and as for his generation, who considered
that he was cut off out of the land of the living,
stricken for the transgression of my people?
9 And they made his grave with the wicked
and with a rich man in his death,
although he had done no violence,
and there was no deceit in his mouth.
10 Yet it was the will of the Lord to crush him;
he has put him to grief;
when his soul makes an offering for guilt,
he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days;
the will of the Lord shall prosper in his hand.
Now, I'd encourage you to read it again or if you're like me sometimes with blogs and you tend to skim/skip scripture passages, read it...really read it. Don't let the words become too familiar. Yea, you might have heard it before, but take it in, drink it in, and don't leave this page unaffected by truth.
Now that you've read it...or read it again. I'd encourage you to pray. Pray for God to help you see Christ as the all-satisfying atonement for your sin. Pray for God to melt you heart to be freshly affected by the truth of the gospel today. Pray for yourself to not be made much of today, but God. Pray for God to remind you throughout today of what He's done for you, and how that should not only affect you, but how you interact with e-v-e-r-y one around you. Pray for God to open eyes and bring people to himself. Pray for local churches around the world that they would proclaim the truth of the gospel today and this weekend.
Now take a minute...read the passage again. No, I'm serious...it's only eight verses...how much of your time could it really eat up? You're probably going to waste 60 seconds messing around with your favorite app later today anyway...so take a moment to pause, reflect, and thank God for the greatest news that you could ever be given. There's hope for sinful people like you...thank God for that. There's hope for that sinful person that you think is outside of grace...thank God for that. There's hope to live out our days in light of Christ's once-for-all atoning sacrifice...oh, thank God with me for that!
I've been long-winded, but thank God for long-windedness over grace. Here's a great song we sang a couple of weeks ago at Grace & are singing on Sunday too. He truly is the Saving One...from sin and self when we are least deserving of it. Oh, and CRANK THIS BABY UP!!
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