A Love/Hate Relationship

Prologue:
I wrote this entry...then a friend tweeted this quote by Tim Keller "Do you think the opposite of love is hate? No! The opposite of love is fear...fear is self-centered. Love is self-giving." So, for sake of time, it would be more apropo to substitute most of the "hate" with "fear"...maybe...you'll get the idea (when I don't love, I'm self-absorbed and often act out of fear). Now, on to the original entry:


Grad school,

goodbyes,

my students at times,

this blog,

what are things I have a love/hate relationship with...ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!

What's crazy is I originally had God on this list but took Him off. Why? To save face for those out in the interweb. To not admit that I may not say it, but live as if I "feel an extreme aversion for"...thank you Dictionary.com. I love God, but at times I don't live like I do...I hate that about me!

I love grad school. Overall, I enjoy my profs. I've made good friendships and have built on old ones. I usually don't mind the work, but I've been relatively apathetic this semester (and it's shown at times...to me at least). I've always been the perfectionist when it came to school work, but that's taken a back seat recently to procrastinating on grad work...I hate that about me. I've counted it up and this week alone I've spent over 30hours on grad projects, papers, article/journal reviews, etc. for projects that are due...this week (and one big final project due next Wednesday). I've spent most of a gorgeous spring Saturday finishing up that one, big final project...I hate procrastinating. It reminds me that I'm human. It reminds me that I'm selfish. It reminds me that I'm not ambitious like I was before.

I hate goodbyes. I've thought a lot about my dad this week...cried a couple of times because I'd like to talk with Him and can't...mainly because He just listened. He never judged or held me in contempt. He would often question, but He did it because he cared and I knew he did. He was straight with me..especially the last couple of years of His life, and it pains me that He's not here anymore. Today, I drank several cups of tea from the moose mug that I got Him several years ago in MT (and found sifting through his belongings after the funeral...it's my new favorite). But, I love that He's been united with His God...there's hope in Christ's death & resurrection. I love that.

Sometimes, I can't stand relationships...the one's with the ladies that is (I know that this wasn't one, but it's been on my mind). I love the newness of them...the getting to know somebody, their likes/dislikes, their quirks, dreams, aspirations, the quality time when quantity is not an option. I love the growth of them...the learning how to manage time, wanting to share more, learning to trust somebody else with my affections, learning to truly love, not being scared to let somebody love you back & gladly letting your heart be pulled at it's strings by another person.

But, I hate:

"I'm just not that into you's",

"I need to break up with you's", and

"you'll find somebody else's".

I'm not a big fan of giving so much of myself for it not to be ultimately reciprocated. I love the risk of putting myself out there...but hate the rejection that's come from it so far. I hate myself for being so willing to trust, but I think it's also one of my best qualities (and I'm grateful to God for that). I love that my initial reaction to the breakup was so healthy knowing that God allowed it to happen for his purposes and glory, and even though it didn't go the way I thought it would...I was okay because I knew God was worthy to be trusted. I hate that my trust in God's timing, purposes, and direction in that area was short lived. It almost seems like my trust in His purposes was a facade because I really wasn't okay with it...still am not. I've wrestled with God a lot about it over the past couple of months. I've questioned and doubted and overthought and questioned again.

Recently, I came to the end of myself...again. I thank God for His pursuance of me. I don't know what I'd do without it. A friend said this the day after she broke up me...I think it was meant to be a comfort, but at the time it didn't mean that to me. Of a recent relationship of his that ended he said, "I had to realize that what it all boils down to is she didn't like me for me." When it comes down to it, relationships are a preference...they really are. I may say I love you, but that love is a choice. I prefer vanilla over chocolate ice cream. Now, that doesn't mean I don't have chocolate every so often, but when it comes down to an ultimate choice I have to go with my gut. She did and has moved on. I needed to. Now, what in the world does "moving on" look like? I don't think it means finding somebody else...now, statistically speaking I have a 90% chance of getting married someday (so I will "move on" with someone someday). I think it starts with being content with where God has me and with who He's making me to be.

I've struggled to trust Him, but in the last couple of weeks He's brought me back around. I still doubt at times...I hate that about me. But, I know that my relationship with Him is not built on what I do or who I am, but what Christ did for me & who He says I am. So, I will question...I will doubt. I will wonder what could of been...there will be "baggage" of sorts because you carry those feelings, expectations, and hurts with you (how you let them affect you and another person makes all the difference). I hope that I'll be willing able to share feelings...just not early on...pretty sure I scared the last one away with this. It's funny...because I think she thought I was farther along then her, but in reality I wasn't. I liked her and I wanted to pursue her toward the end result of marriage, but I was not in a rush. It's funny how a lack of proper communication of feelings/perceptions of one another can make people anxious/afraid so they'll flee rather than talk about them. I wish she could have seen me for me rather than her perception of me...ah well. I still miss her...some days more than others. I still pray for her often, and will continue for a while I'm sure. It is hard to stop caring when you love someone. This may sound crazy, but I would still take her back in a heartbeat if she wanted...I'm not sure if I love or hate that about me. I may not want to move on, but I need to.

So, I'll continue to move on...not in my own strength, but trusting in the Father's. Someday, I may find somebody who will love the Father more than me, love people, love the church, give of herself to see others find joy in the Savior, care for the little ones like Christ did, and it'd be nice if this one liked me for me and not just the "idea of me". So, I'm thankful for the Spirit's continual prodding of my heart to make me discontent with my discontent. I'm thankful for the relationships that I do have, and the people God's placed in my life. I'm thankful for my family who loves me no matter what (just wished they lived closer). I'm thankful for the dating relationship that I did have for those few months...she brought me so much joy, God brought me closer to Him, and He's showing me so much more about Himself through it all and made me love Him more for it (that's all I could have ever asked for). I'm also thankful that eharmony doesn't get rid of your info once you close out an account...definitely saved me some time in not having to set up a new profile :)