Didn’t you see what I’ve done?
In my shame I want to run,
And hide myself.
God it’s here I see the truth,
I don’t deserve you.
But I need you to love me,
And I, I won’t keep my heart from you this time.
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me
I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing you away from me.
I just never saw how you
Could cherish me.
Cause you’re a God who has all things,
And still you want me.
And I need you to love me,
And I, I won’t keep my heart from you this time.
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
Your love makes me forget what I have been.
Your love makes me see who I really am.
Your love makes me forget what I have been.
WIth the words to this song running through my head as they flow from my radio...I've been broadsided by two thoughts. For so long I've been doing this to God...trying to deserve what I already have like some sort of penance to achieve his acceptance when I already have it. Second, I've been behind the driver's seat for too long. As the snow (yes snow), spirals down to glance off my windshield to await its next vehicular victim, I see the view from my driver's seat...
and figuratively and literally, I don't like it. I've made a mess of what God has given to me. I've tried to handle things on my own while forgetting that the all-surpassing joy that I have sought is waiting to actually be tapped into. As corny as it may seem and as horribly done as the movie was...this past weekend, a movie helped to smack a little perspective into me...with its living in the "now" and being "who you are", post-modern, new-age philosophical mumbo-jumbo. I wasn't completely turned away, but meditated on how this idea of redeeming the time, as Paul speaks so passionately to the people of Ephesus about, has been lost in my own life. Confounded by this idea, I sought out to find out further...John Wesley's notes on Ephesians say "With all possible care redeeming the time - Saving all you can for the best purposes; buying every possible moment out of the hands of sin and Satan; out of the hands of sloth, ease, pleasure, worldly business; the more diligently, because the present are evil days, days of the grossest ignorance, immorality, and profaneness."
While Matthew Henry expounds with,
"Time is a talent given us by God, and it is misspent and lost when not employed according to his design. If we have lost our time heretofore, we must double our diligence for the future. Of that time which thousands on a dying bed would gladly redeem at the price of the whole world, how little do men think, and to what trifles they daily sacrifice it! People are very apt to complain of bad times; it were well if that stirred them more to redeem time. Be not unwise. Ignorance of our duty, and neglect of our souls, show the greatest folly.....When afflicted or weary, let us not seek to raise our spirits by strong drink, which is hateful and hurtful, and only ends in making sorrows more felt. But by fervent prayer let us seek to be filled with the Spirit, and to avoid whatever may grieve our gracious Comforter. All God's people have reason to sing for joy. Though we are not always singing, we should be always giving thanks; we should never want disposition for this duty, as we never want matter for it, through the whole course of our lives. Always, even in trials and afflictions, and for all things; being satisfied of their loving intent, and good tendency. God keeps believers from sinning against him, and engages them to submit one to another in all he has commanded, to promote his glory, and to fulfil their duties to each other."
Another translation, says "buy up your opportunities b/c we live in evil times"...with the limited time I do have, do I really want to spend it trying to tell God how my life is going to plan out...where I want to be in 5, 10, 20 years....where I see Him sending me and now He's got to act in accordance with my desires/will. So, what if I end up in the Pacific Northwest in the next few years or in a coffeeshop in Istanbul...God should be leading, directing, and guiding, but I've been so busy driving and not sitting in the back looking at the map or even looking out the window at the view. After all this inner turmoil in the past week, I've asked God to redirect my focus to its all-satisfying source, to give me a passion again for Him and people, to not dwell on my future but cherish each moment now as precious and valuable, to not live as if I'm paying him back for something he's already given...as the song again rushes through my head through ear phones and filters into every recess of my heart...
God it’s here I see the truth,
I don’t deserve you.
But I need you to love me,
And I, I won’t keep my heart from you this time.
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
Your love makes me forget what I have been.
Your love makes me see who I really am.
Your love makes me forget what I have been.
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