Continuing to Brood...about what, now that's a different story!

I splash water on my face again before I exit the bathroom in my mom's house. If my family is (for some reason) keeping track of my regular visits to the loo, they probably think that I have a bowelular issue. It's weird that the people you're closest too you just feel like not opening up to. I don't feel like I can share the reason I've spent the last 3 washroom visits in the past 3hrs has been to cry, listen to sad songs, & read Scripture (but mostly to cry to myself).

The last 3 weeks have been a mesh of emotions & forced suppression of emotions, silence & chatterboxing (it's like lightweight boxing, but with less hitting w/gloves & more flapping of jaws), crying & refusing to cry. The loss of a parent has hit me in waves recently. I may not have had a great relationship with my dad, but I always appreciated his candor. I saw in him the last several months/couple of years of his life the same mixture of emotions & suppression of emotions. I don't have regrets about the last few months of his life, but more in the last few years. I can't change anything about that relationship, but the desire to change every other relationship is palpable.

For now, I'm just tired...I spent the last 4 months falling in love with a girl who dropped me cold turkey three weeks ago. I'm not mad at her...couldn't be. I just don't get it...maybe I'm not supposed to, but if you spend the time getting to know somebody for a few months, you kinda want answers. I don't feel like I should get answers from the source...when someone drops you that sudden, it's like freefalling w/o a parachute (nothing to hold onto). For me, what hurt the most wasn't the being dumped (though that sucks a whole lot). It was the seemingly sudden change of feelings. I understand if you don't have feelings (romantic or otherwise), but how do feelings change so quick. How can you say you're glad to be dating me & kiss me like that one week, but completely remove me out of your life the next...what changed...and what changed so quickly?

I don't blame God because He's always been good. He's teaching me more about myself than I care to know right now. He's been my constant, my rock, and my comforter. I know He's always seeking for His glory above all else so I'm desperately seeking His kingdom to that end.

There's always a risk in pursuing a relationship...I knew that going into it, but I didn't expect it to hurt this much. I honestly thought things were going really well...I told her on the phone that "I kinda saw this coming" and gave some really weak examples. I didn't know it was coming...I honestly saw a future with this person. How foolish of me to let myself get sucked in.

I don't blame God...I blame myself because I should've known better...sadly that's my brooding lately...may be for a while. It brings up a lot of thoughts, emotions, & possible future blog entries so stay tuned :)