Seriously...again. I'm learning to "consider it a great joy", but why am I surrounded by memories. She's several hundred miles away...yet, I'm continually reminded. Let me give the back story...so I had brought several cds when I visited around Thanksgiving for her to listen to (and made her a cd of some of my fav. Sovereign Grace songs). Music is a large part of my life...a significant way that I worship & meditate on God is through music and I wanted her to be familiar with a significant part of my life. And since I never use cds except to burn them to my hard drive, I don't mind lending them out indefinitely (I've done it several times before). Well, the last time we saw each other she had given me some of them back in a bag before I left. It wasn't until today when I was going through papers on my desk that I decided to finally put them away. I found in the bag a burned cd of Christmas songs...now, I don't know if it was made for me or was given to her by someone else & was accidentally placed there bc she was listening to the one's in the bag too. Maybe, it was the thought that it might have been intentional or just thoughts of her that came flooding back...seriously, I thought I'd cried enough last week.
Maybe it's the words written in a 4mth old journal that was under a stack of papers on my desk. Words that I had written about her, about us, about what God was teaching me about her and us, lists of the things she liked/disliked, date ideas, things we could do together, dreams of what could be... And I can't bear to throw it away yet...maybe someday I'll be strong enough.
Maybe it's the fact that some of my favorite artists are Mumford & Sons, Mat Kearney, and the Civil Wars...and songs like "Winter Winds", "White Blank Page", "Breathe In, Breathe Out", "All I Have", "Falling", "C'est la Mort" keep playing in my speakers...
Have to share this video...given to me by a friend 8mths ago when I was in a similar, but not equal circumstance. I love the intention of holding back...when so rarely I listen to my heart, and I jump full in...
Maybe it's knowing the concert that I'm going to tonight is something I know she would enjoy as well...
Maybe it's me finally coming to the realization that it's okay to question...it's okay to be "not okay" for a bit...it's okay to react emotionally as long as those emotions don't drive me...it's okay to not have it all together...it's okay to not be what someone else is looking for...it's okay to cry, still...it's okay to just have God & learn that He alone is enough (it may be slow...but as long as I realize all I need is Him)...more than enough
Ps. 119:25-28 is my prayer in this moment...and God is faithful to not "maybe", but "definitely" answer...
"I am laid low in the dust;
preserve my life according to your word.
I gave an account of my ways and you answered me;
teach me your decrees.
Cause me to understand the way of your precepts,
that I may meditate on your wonderful deeds.
My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word." - Ps. 119: 25-28
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