Let The Healing Begin

Some days are harder than others. When you spend what seems like 2hrs riding around a fast food parking lot in a coach bus with the girl who just broke up with you as she expresses her remorse over the break up and her cursory desire to restore said relationship only to find out that it was all a dream. Seriously, the coach bus making circles in the parking lot should have been a clue, but I think the absurdity of the dream only showed how much my desire to see things restored outweighed any signs of reality. So as I was lying there wiping the tears of my cheeks as the memories came rushing back once again...only the good because that's all there ever was, and the tears come because I know the "good" will never come again with that person.

I think the past few weeks that I've been lying to myself. I suppress the feelings of grief because "I've got to get over her". While the later statement is true, the process that I've taken has been harder than if I'd actually grieved. I bite my lip too often when something triggers a memory, and I try to let the moment pass. I've had so much comfort from friends/loved ones who've tried in their ways to comfort. Some have been successful in making an impact, and others (with good intentions) have tried to set me up with somebody or come to their area to meet some nice girls. I appreciate the offer, but right now is not the time.

I talked about the situation with a number of people during the first week, and though it sucked, I was "okay" with the result. Then came week 2, and my world seemed to be falling apart all around me. The more that I dwelled on the why, how, when, what was said, what was not said, how it was said, the more discouraged and embittered I saw myself becoming. I thought that I should be "over" this by now, and I keep having these emotions of loss and pain of disappointment. A friend had encouraged me in the early days afterward to suffer well...well, I was suffering, but how in the world can you do it "well".

Then God brought me Psalm 77...

1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands,
and I would not be comforted.

3 I remembered you, God, and I groaned;
I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.[b]
4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart meditated and my spirit asked:

7 “Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”

10 Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:
the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will consider all your works
and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”

13 Your ways, God, are holy.
What god is as great as our God?
14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.

16 The waters saw you, God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.
17 The clouds poured down water,
the heavens resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.
18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.
19 Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.

...and I cried for what seemed like hours, so when the few minutes of tears were over peace started to wash over me. I was finally allowing the Comforter to comfort. Then "randomly" this article fell into my browser and was immensely helpful. I hadn't just given myself the ability to grieve. I was hung up on how long it was taking me to recover and not asking God to help me through the next few minutes or hours to see "His deeds" and "consider all His works".

God was gracious to give me 4 months of getting to know the most amazing person that I'd ever met. He had allowed me to start falling for this person who I barely knew. I had just started to open up and "be myself" not just who I thought she wanted me to be. I wasn't just saying what I thought she wanted to hear, but truly wanting what was best for us and what I thought God wanted me to do. That "revelation" just happened to be 4 days before she broke up with me which at first shattered me, and I had resolved to never let myself go like that again and trust so openly and freely the next time. But what joy is in that...yes, I know that God should be the only person that I implicitly trust, but I don't want to hold back or "not be myself" because I think the tacit ability to trust can be a great gift. I could spend the rest of my life holding back from risk (like I usually do) and remain relatively unscathed, but that's not loving either.

I haven't heard from her since I emailed her a week later to say "I'm okay" and moving on...which at that second was true, but in reality was a load of refuse. Most days I just want to hear how she's doing, what's going on in her life, what God's teaching her, her thoughts/opinions/dreams/hope/aspirations, but mostly I just miss praying with her...probably what brought me most joy in our tenure together. I'm starting to realize that the "clean break" is probably the most loving thing she could have done. It's somewhat ironic that it again came from a dream. This realization came this morning...I awoke from a dream (crying again...but for altogether different reasons) of her sitting down across a table (with an Asian couple at her side...weird, I know...even weirder that they never said a word) and asking me questions from a list...random yet ordinary questions. I just remember looking up at her and saying with tears running down my face "why are you doing this. Why are you torturing me?" When I was jolted awake the epiphany struck that the last thing I need is for feelings to linger if they're not meant to. Unrequited love is one of the hardest things to deal with, and she knew this. She knew letting the idea of "maybe" linger would only breed mixed emotions & hard feelings later on. She knew it would be harder, but also that it would be better in the long run. I had been doubting her feelings altogether toward me because she dropped it so hard & fast with no intention of ever communicating again and with no way of me being able to say anything to change it.

A clean break...its not fun at all. It probably hurt the most when my dad passed and all I got was a seemingly cursory text from her after I elicited a response just to see if she would respond. It hurt...a lot...probably more than anything else and I held that against her. But without knowing why, I can't hold it against her. I imagine it must have been hard for her not to call...she knew we needed a clean break and what was one of the most emotional days of my life wouldn't be the best time (looking back, I probably would have said something foolish or cried...wouldn't have been good). I appreciate her having her dad call to offer condolences...it showed she wanted to know how I was doing, but knew it was best to still keep her distance. What I viewed as insensitive and uncaring was again probably the most loving thing she could have done. I may be completely wrong & she doesn't care, but I like to think from what I know about her the better response. This realization makes the "break-up" all the more difficult because it gives greater clarity that she is everything I thought she was and more than I thought capable. I pray that I would love like that someday.

So, it's about time that I allow God to take over. It's about time that I grieve with hope. Hope that God is working all things together for His glory and my good. There's no time better than the present to let the healing begin...