"Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's;
he makes me tread on my high places." Habakkuk 3:17-19
I come back to this verse that I wrote on a couple of months ago. At the time, I was wrestling through some doubts, fears, despairing thoughts, and disillusions. I'm glad that God takes me through valleys of sorrow to bring me to rivers of joy (thank you JoC).
It's good to be reminded of where you were, and the rest you could find when the vines were fruitless and the fields were fallow. I trust in God not because the blessing is evident, but because the Blesser is ever-present. It's good to be reminded of God's grace and evident mercy when the blessing is evident. I don't want to forget that as well and pray the Spirit continues to make that evident.
When I think of the happenings of the past 6 days...I'm blown away by God's reminder of blessing. He has been and always will be the giver of all good gifts. I'm pretty thankful for the good gift that He's brought back into my life recently. Many of my pining and questioning entries over the last 4 months have been my heart's pull toward this person, and I couldn't be more excited that God has renewed that relationship as if we hadn't skipped a beat and cultivating it to glorify Him as the source of all joy.
This song by Indelible Grace has been ringing in my ears/heart all day, and the basic message reminds me primarily of how the shining light of God into the Christian's heart which jolts the senses, awakens the eyes, and rejuvenates the affections...what's been dead has been resuscitated to new life. When I think of it, it also reminds me of that relationship recently brought back to life..."Sometimes a light surprises the Christian while he sings, It is the Lord who rises with healing in His wings, When comforts are declining, He grants the soul again; A season of clear shining, to cheer it after the rain... Yet, God the same abiding, His praise shall tune my voice; For, while in Him confiding, I cannot but rejoice."
I love it...enjoy!
Sometimes a light surprises
The Christian while he sings;
It is the Lord who rises
With healing in His wings:
When comforts are declining,
He grants the soul again
A season of clear shining,
To cheer it after the rain.
In holy contemplation
We sweetly then pursue
The theme of God's salvation,
And find it ever new;
Set free from present sorrow,
We cheerfully can say,
Let the unknown tomorrow
Bring with it what it may.
Tomorrow can bring us nothing,
But He will bear us through:
Who gives the lilies clothing
Will clothe His people, too:
Beneath the spreading heavens
No creature but is fed;
And He Who feeds the ravens
Will give His children bread.
Though vine nor fig tree neither
Their wonted fruit should bear,
Though all the fields should wither,
Nor flocks or herds be there
Yet, God the same abiding,
His praise shall tune my voice;
For, while in Him confiding,
I cannot but rejoice.
Let your Will Be Done in Me
When a song shuffles on the itunes that I really need to hear, I can't help but be thankful. It may be the Calvinist in me, but I tend to view those situations as providential. Today was no exception...God has used this CD to be a comfort and a peace when my souls been disquieted recently, and "As Long as You Are Glorified" is no exception. Oh, that I would be to the praise of His glory regardless of the pain or blessing. It's my prayer and hope, and I hope it blesses you too. I hope to be reminded of that tonight at Lampmode's Tea Time...should be dope (thanks Brian for your influence...trying to get in the right mind frame for tonight :)!
"In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves" Ephesians 1:5-6 (NIV)
A Philly Phriday
Some days are like this. Some weeks are like this. I'd spent the last 3 months substitute teaching at a great school with 5th graders in the morning & Kindergarten/1st graders in the afternoon. I loved these kids from the moment I met them and hated to go when their teacher came back from maternity leave. Some days they were crazy and some days they were angels, but they never ceased to amaze me. Technically, they were in special ed programs, and the word special is definitely underrated. Yea, most struggled with behavioral issues, learning disabilities, autism, intellectual disabilities, etc., but they were/are so much more than that. They were special because they fought to be "normal", persevered in spite of ability, made huge strides in their education, and learned that they could "do it". I miss them all ginormously!!
So, this week was the first week back to day-to-day subbing. I took a day off here, took a couple of half days there, and just took the week easy. I thank God for the flexibility of substitute teaching especially how it works with my grad class schedule. But grad classes are over...so this week was just lovely to relax, go to a coffee shop, watch a movie, read a book (or several), try new places, and meet new people. Some of my favorite new places to hang are BBP in University City with some of the most unique and fantastic burgers I've ever become acquainted with, the Memphis Taproom with it's rotating local on tap list, beer battered pickles (to die for...which is convenient bc they might kill ya), and smoked coconut & tofu club, and the Rocket Cat Cafe which from it's Shepard Fairey external mural, to it's bagels with homemade Apple Maple Ginger Cream Cheese (divine!), to solid coffee, & it's predominantly hipster, urban gentrified clientele...I think I've found a new love in Fishtown!
So, as I was ruminating on these things this morning before spending a half day with a great group of life skills students at the nearby elementary school, I was reminded and overjoyed at God's graciousness to me. I often overlook the moments that I have to just sit and reminisce over his goodness. He's provided affordable housing & transportation, a job that I love more each day, and good health. He's given me great and encouraging roommates, great friends that sharpen me continually, and an amazing body of believers in NE Philly that have truly become my family (away from family). He's blessed me with a great family that I love, would do anything for, and even thought they're far away that we can still be close.
And, if that wasn't enough...God's given me His Son, rescued me from my own self-induced damnation, given me a new heart to serve Him with, reconciled me to Himself, the Creator of the universe, and daily transforming me more and more into the image of His Son...I couldn't ask for more, but to be freshly affected by it and to be drenched in humility to worship Him all the more. So, as I sat in the Rocket Cat this morning...eating my bagel with apple maple ginger cream cheese and slowly sipping on a cup of java, I thanked God...as I wrote, I named ways He's shown Himself lately. As words of praise echoed in my earbuds, I sat in wonder of who He is. As I sat this evening with friends outside...grilling out, watching the Phils (squeak out a close (but authoritative) victory over those lowly Braves), and fellowshipping, I thanked God again for all His good gifts that we don't deserve, but are continually grateful for...He's definitely worthy of our praise!
So, this week was the first week back to day-to-day subbing. I took a day off here, took a couple of half days there, and just took the week easy. I thank God for the flexibility of substitute teaching especially how it works with my grad class schedule. But grad classes are over...so this week was just lovely to relax, go to a coffee shop, watch a movie, read a book (or several), try new places, and meet new people. Some of my favorite new places to hang are BBP in University City with some of the most unique and fantastic burgers I've ever become acquainted with, the Memphis Taproom with it's rotating local on tap list, beer battered pickles (to die for...which is convenient bc they might kill ya), and smoked coconut & tofu club, and the Rocket Cat Cafe which from it's Shepard Fairey external mural, to it's bagels with homemade Apple Maple Ginger Cream Cheese (divine!), to solid coffee, & it's predominantly hipster, urban gentrified clientele...I think I've found a new love in Fishtown!
So, as I was ruminating on these things this morning before spending a half day with a great group of life skills students at the nearby elementary school, I was reminded and overjoyed at God's graciousness to me. I often overlook the moments that I have to just sit and reminisce over his goodness. He's provided affordable housing & transportation, a job that I love more each day, and good health. He's given me great and encouraging roommates, great friends that sharpen me continually, and an amazing body of believers in NE Philly that have truly become my family (away from family). He's blessed me with a great family that I love, would do anything for, and even thought they're far away that we can still be close.
And, if that wasn't enough...God's given me His Son, rescued me from my own self-induced damnation, given me a new heart to serve Him with, reconciled me to Himself, the Creator of the universe, and daily transforming me more and more into the image of His Son...I couldn't ask for more, but to be freshly affected by it and to be drenched in humility to worship Him all the more. So, as I sat in the Rocket Cat this morning...eating my bagel with apple maple ginger cream cheese and slowly sipping on a cup of java, I thanked God...as I wrote, I named ways He's shown Himself lately. As words of praise echoed in my earbuds, I sat in wonder of who He is. As I sat this evening with friends outside...grilling out, watching the Phils (squeak out a close (but authoritative) victory over those lowly Braves), and fellowshipping, I thanked God again for all His good gifts that we don't deserve, but are continually grateful for...He's definitely worthy of our praise!
Beauty in Letting Go...
Beauty in Letting Go
Holding on to much, needing to relinquish my grip
On the things I can't control that grant me service with the lip
Dripping like pools of substance though empty to the draught
In the wind whispering echoes of engagement that come to naught
Seeking in self, falling in fear, drowning in despair
Knowing though not trusting like trying to grasp the air
Loosening grip as the Spirit beckons me come and drink
Life waters given as one leaves it all the brink
Running start, jumping and letting go, falling weightless
The wind rushing past jet streams of savory sweetness
Hands open, palms up, arms outstretched being overtaken
Arms of grace engulf, waves of mercy wash never shaken
Peace found in relinquishing the me that seeks to destroy
That sinking me holding on to self like a child with a toy
The Father's joys are greater to those whose hearts are his
Faith arouses the adopted's affections to resuscitating bliss
Beauty of Letting Go by Green Ordinance initially inspired this post. Honestly, I'd forgotten the song, but the song title had been ringing in my head the past couple of weeks. I love it because I am continually reminded of things that I can't control, but try to often (with disastrous results). God reminded me again how the new life in Him resuscitates the heart when it seems bleakest. Like Aron Ralston, it may take time, but some things need to be let go of. Reading 2 Corinthians 4 the other day just rocked my world. I love verses 16-18 because this passage shows the tendency to despair, the "seeming" reality of bad circumstances, the sanctifying grace in the process, the way to "not lose heart" by looking to the unseen, and the faith demanded by trusting in God is the only faith that's really legitimate. Love these verses...
Beauty of Letting Go by Green River Ordinance
Holding on to much, needing to relinquish my grip
On the things I can't control that grant me service with the lip
Dripping like pools of substance though empty to the draught
In the wind whispering echoes of engagement that come to naught
Seeking in self, falling in fear, drowning in despair
Knowing though not trusting like trying to grasp the air
Loosening grip as the Spirit beckons me come and drink
Life waters given as one leaves it all the brink
Running start, jumping and letting go, falling weightless
The wind rushing past jet streams of savory sweetness
Hands open, palms up, arms outstretched being overtaken
Arms of grace engulf, waves of mercy wash never shaken
Peace found in relinquishing the me that seeks to destroy
That sinking me holding on to self like a child with a toy
The Father's joys are greater to those whose hearts are his
Faith arouses the adopted's affections to resuscitating bliss
Beauty of Letting Go by Green Ordinance initially inspired this post. Honestly, I'd forgotten the song, but the song title had been ringing in my head the past couple of weeks. I love it because I am continually reminded of things that I can't control, but try to often (with disastrous results). God reminded me again how the new life in Him resuscitates the heart when it seems bleakest. Like Aron Ralston, it may take time, but some things need to be let go of. Reading 2 Corinthians 4 the other day just rocked my world. I love verses 16-18 because this passage shows the tendency to despair, the "seeming" reality of bad circumstances, the sanctifying grace in the process, the way to "not lose heart" by looking to the unseen, and the faith demanded by trusting in God is the only faith that's really legitimate. Love these verses...
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.(ESV)
Beauty of Letting Go by Green River Ordinance
Stand outside these city walls
And feel the forces swimming strong
You're bathed in starlight, pulled through ocean tide
It hits you here, tonight and
And you're falling out of all you were
And you're finding out the beauty of letting go
Spend our whole life stuck in alright
Me, I've been there, sung that song before
Don't let your smile turn with the tide
You'll shine again, you're soon to find
That you're falling out of all you were
And you're finding out the beauty of letting go
And you're falling out of all you were
And you're finding out the beauty of letting go
You're waiting for the right time, waiting for the right time
Oh, you're waiting for the right time, waiting for the right time
Oh, you're waiting for the right time, waiting for the right time
Oh, you're waiting for the right time, right time, now
Oh, you're waiting for the right time, stop waiting for the right time
Oh, whoa, you're waiting for the right time, stop waiting for the right time
Oh, whoa, you're waiting for the right time, stop waiting for the right time
Oh, you're waiting for the right time
A Love/Hate Relationship
Prologue:
I wrote this entry...then a friend tweeted this quote by Tim Keller "Do you think the opposite of love is hate? No! The opposite of love is fear...fear is self-centered. Love is self-giving." So, for sake of time, it would be more apropo to substitute most of the "hate" with "fear"...maybe...you'll get the idea (when I don't love, I'm self-absorbed and often act out of fear). Now, on to the original entry:
Grad school,
what are things I have a love/hate relationship with...ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!
What's crazy is I originally had God on this list but took Him off. Why? To save face for those out in the interweb. To not admit that I may not say it, but live as if I "feel an extreme aversion for"...thank you Dictionary.com. I love God, but at times I don't live like I do...I hate that about me!
I love grad school. Overall, I enjoy my profs. I've made good friendships and have built on old ones. I usually don't mind the work, but I've been relatively apathetic this semester (and it's shown at times...to me at least). I've always been the perfectionist when it came to school work, but that's taken a back seat recently to procrastinating on grad work...I hate that about me. I've counted it up and this week alone I've spent over 30hours on grad projects, papers, article/journal reviews, etc. for projects that are due...this week (and one big final project due next Wednesday). I've spent most of a gorgeous spring Saturday finishing up that one, big final project...I hate procrastinating. It reminds me that I'm human. It reminds me that I'm selfish. It reminds me that I'm not ambitious like I was before.
I hate goodbyes. I've thought a lot about my dad this week...cried a couple of times because I'd like to talk with Him and can't...mainly because He just listened. He never judged or held me in contempt. He would often question, but He did it because he cared and I knew he did. He was straight with me..especially the last couple of years of His life, and it pains me that He's not here anymore. Today, I drank several cups of tea from the moose mug that I got Him several years ago in MT (and found sifting through his belongings after the funeral...it's my new favorite). But, I love that He's been united with His God...there's hope in Christ's death & resurrection. I love that.
Sometimes, I can't stand relationships...the one's with the ladies that is (I know that this wasn't one, but it's been on my mind). I love the newness of them...the getting to know somebody, their likes/dislikes, their quirks, dreams, aspirations, the quality time when quantity is not an option. I love the growth of them...the learning how to manage time, wanting to share more, learning to trust somebody else with my affections, learning to truly love, not being scared to let somebody love you back & gladly letting your heart be pulled at it's strings by another person.
But, I hate:
"I'm just not that into you's",
I'm not a big fan of giving so much of myself for it not to be ultimately reciprocated. I love the risk of putting myself out there...but hate the rejection that's come from it so far. I hate myself for being so willing to trust, but I think it's also one of my best qualities (and I'm grateful to God for that). I love that my initial reaction to the breakup was so healthy knowing that God allowed it to happen for his purposes and glory, and even though it didn't go the way I thought it would...I was okay because I knew God was worthy to be trusted. I hate that my trust in God's timing, purposes, and direction in that area was short lived. It almost seems like my trust in His purposes was a facade because I really wasn't okay with it...still am not. I've wrestled with God a lot about it over the past couple of months. I've questioned and doubted and overthought and questioned again.
Recently, I came to the end of myself...again. I thank God for His pursuance of me. I don't know what I'd do without it. A friend said this the day after she broke up me...I think it was meant to be a comfort, but at the time it didn't mean that to me. Of a recent relationship of his that ended he said, "I had to realize that what it all boils down to is she didn't like me for me." When it comes down to it, relationships are a preference...they really are. I may say I love you, but that love is a choice. I prefer vanilla over chocolate ice cream. Now, that doesn't mean I don't have chocolate every so often, but when it comes down to an ultimate choice I have to go with my gut. She did and has moved on. I needed to. Now, what in the world does "moving on" look like? I don't think it means finding somebody else...now, statistically speaking I have a 90% chance of getting married someday (so I will "move on" with someone someday). I think it starts with being content with where God has me and with who He's making me to be.
I've struggled to trust Him, but in the last couple of weeks He's brought me back around. I still doubt at times...I hate that about me. But, I know that my relationship with Him is not built on what I do or who I am, but what Christ did for me & who He says I am. So, I will question...I will doubt. I will wonder what could of been...there will be "baggage" of sorts because you carry those feelings, expectations, and hurts with you (how you let them affect you and another person makes all the difference). I hope that I'll be willing able to share feelings...just not early on...pretty sure I scared the last one away with this. It's funny...because I think she thought I was farther along then her, but in reality I wasn't. I liked her and I wanted to pursue her toward the end result of marriage, but I was not in a rush. It's funny how a lack of proper communication of feelings/perceptions of one another can make people anxious/afraid so they'll flee rather than talk about them. I wish she could have seen me for me rather than her perception of me...ah well. I still miss her...some days more than others. I still pray for her often, and will continue for a while I'm sure. It is hard to stop caring when you love someone. This may sound crazy, but I would still take her back in a heartbeat if she wanted...I'm not sure if I love or hate that about me. I may not want to move on, but I need to.
So, I'll continue to move on...not in my own strength, but trusting in the Father's. Someday, I may find somebody who will love the Father more than me, love people, love the church, give of herself to see others find joy in the Savior, care for the little ones like Christ did, and it'd be nice if this one liked me for me and not just the "idea of me". So, I'm thankful for the Spirit's continual prodding of my heart to make me discontent with my discontent. I'm thankful for the relationships that I do have, and the people God's placed in my life. I'm thankful for my family who loves me no matter what (just wished they lived closer). I'm thankful for the dating relationship that I did have for those few months...she brought me so much joy, God brought me closer to Him, and He's showing me so much more about Himself through it all and made me love Him more for it (that's all I could have ever asked for). I'm also thankful that eharmony doesn't get rid of your info once you close out an account...definitely saved me some time in not having to set up a new profile :)
I wrote this entry...then a friend tweeted this quote by Tim Keller "Do you think the opposite of love is hate? No! The opposite of love is fear...fear is self-centered. Love is self-giving." So, for sake of time, it would be more apropo to substitute most of the "hate" with "fear"...maybe...you'll get the idea (when I don't love, I'm self-absorbed and often act out of fear). Now, on to the original entry:
Grad school,
goodbyes,my students at times,
this blog,
what are things I have a love/hate relationship with...ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!
What's crazy is I originally had God on this list but took Him off. Why? To save face for those out in the interweb. To not admit that I may not say it, but live as if I "feel an extreme aversion for"...thank you Dictionary.com. I love God, but at times I don't live like I do...I hate that about me!
I love grad school. Overall, I enjoy my profs. I've made good friendships and have built on old ones. I usually don't mind the work, but I've been relatively apathetic this semester (and it's shown at times...to me at least). I've always been the perfectionist when it came to school work, but that's taken a back seat recently to procrastinating on grad work...I hate that about me. I've counted it up and this week alone I've spent over 30hours on grad projects, papers, article/journal reviews, etc. for projects that are due...this week (and one big final project due next Wednesday). I've spent most of a gorgeous spring Saturday finishing up that one, big final project...I hate procrastinating. It reminds me that I'm human. It reminds me that I'm selfish. It reminds me that I'm not ambitious like I was before.
I hate goodbyes. I've thought a lot about my dad this week...cried a couple of times because I'd like to talk with Him and can't...mainly because He just listened. He never judged or held me in contempt. He would often question, but He did it because he cared and I knew he did. He was straight with me..especially the last couple of years of His life, and it pains me that He's not here anymore. Today, I drank several cups of tea from the moose mug that I got Him several years ago in MT (and found sifting through his belongings after the funeral...it's my new favorite). But, I love that He's been united with His God...there's hope in Christ's death & resurrection. I love that.
Sometimes, I can't stand relationships...the one's with the ladies that is (I know that this wasn't one, but it's been on my mind). I love the newness of them...the getting to know somebody, their likes/dislikes, their quirks, dreams, aspirations, the quality time when quantity is not an option. I love the growth of them...the learning how to manage time, wanting to share more, learning to trust somebody else with my affections, learning to truly love, not being scared to let somebody love you back & gladly letting your heart be pulled at it's strings by another person.
But, I hate:
"I'm just not that into you's",
"I need to break up with you's", and"you'll find somebody else's".
I'm not a big fan of giving so much of myself for it not to be ultimately reciprocated. I love the risk of putting myself out there...but hate the rejection that's come from it so far. I hate myself for being so willing to trust, but I think it's also one of my best qualities (and I'm grateful to God for that). I love that my initial reaction to the breakup was so healthy knowing that God allowed it to happen for his purposes and glory, and even though it didn't go the way I thought it would...I was okay because I knew God was worthy to be trusted. I hate that my trust in God's timing, purposes, and direction in that area was short lived. It almost seems like my trust in His purposes was a facade because I really wasn't okay with it...still am not. I've wrestled with God a lot about it over the past couple of months. I've questioned and doubted and overthought and questioned again.
Recently, I came to the end of myself...again. I thank God for His pursuance of me. I don't know what I'd do without it. A friend said this the day after she broke up me...I think it was meant to be a comfort, but at the time it didn't mean that to me. Of a recent relationship of his that ended he said, "I had to realize that what it all boils down to is she didn't like me for me." When it comes down to it, relationships are a preference...they really are. I may say I love you, but that love is a choice. I prefer vanilla over chocolate ice cream. Now, that doesn't mean I don't have chocolate every so often, but when it comes down to an ultimate choice I have to go with my gut. She did and has moved on. I needed to. Now, what in the world does "moving on" look like? I don't think it means finding somebody else...now, statistically speaking I have a 90% chance of getting married someday (so I will "move on" with someone someday). I think it starts with being content with where God has me and with who He's making me to be.
I've struggled to trust Him, but in the last couple of weeks He's brought me back around. I still doubt at times...I hate that about me. But, I know that my relationship with Him is not built on what I do or who I am, but what Christ did for me & who He says I am. So, I will question...I will doubt. I will wonder what could of been...there will be "baggage" of sorts because you carry those feelings, expectations, and hurts with you (how you let them affect you and another person makes all the difference). I hope that I'll be willing able to share feelings...just not early on...pretty sure I scared the last one away with this. It's funny...because I think she thought I was farther along then her, but in reality I wasn't. I liked her and I wanted to pursue her toward the end result of marriage, but I was not in a rush. It's funny how a lack of proper communication of feelings/perceptions of one another can make people anxious/afraid so they'll flee rather than talk about them. I wish she could have seen me for me rather than her perception of me...ah well. I still miss her...some days more than others. I still pray for her often, and will continue for a while I'm sure. It is hard to stop caring when you love someone. This may sound crazy, but I would still take her back in a heartbeat if she wanted...I'm not sure if I love or hate that about me. I may not want to move on, but I need to.
So, I'll continue to move on...not in my own strength, but trusting in the Father's. Someday, I may find somebody who will love the Father more than me, love people, love the church, give of herself to see others find joy in the Savior, care for the little ones like Christ did, and it'd be nice if this one liked me for me and not just the "idea of me". So, I'm thankful for the Spirit's continual prodding of my heart to make me discontent with my discontent. I'm thankful for the relationships that I do have, and the people God's placed in my life. I'm thankful for my family who loves me no matter what (just wished they lived closer). I'm thankful for the dating relationship that I did have for those few months...she brought me so much joy, God brought me closer to Him, and He's showing me so much more about Himself through it all and made me love Him more for it (that's all I could have ever asked for). I'm also thankful that eharmony doesn't get rid of your info once you close out an account...definitely saved me some time in not having to set up a new profile :)
Countdown to Good Friday - Part Sei (A Good Friday Indeed)
Spending the day reading, meditating, and reveling the gospel...a good Friday indeed. What that day must have been like almost 2,000yrs ago? What people thought about Jesus? What people went about their "everyday" lives hardly taking notice of the commotion? What people couldn't be bothered by what was going on in the city that day? What people thought when going to market that morning finding hoards of people transfixed on one man carrying his cross of execution through the winding streets? What people were inconvenienced in their daily lives by Jesus that day?
It makes me ponder and reflect on how people view Christ today. "Oh, He's a good guy", "He taught people how to show love and care then people killed Him for it", or "He had a good message, but He wasn't God". Oh God, how much they doubted then...how much more they doubt now. God, open the eyes of people today and bring them to you! Enlighten the eyes, melt the hearts of stone, and draw masses of people to you today. This weekend, the world looks toward the Christian church. Some people get days off work, tv and radio news give brief descriptions of today's happenings, and many people actually darken the doors of local churches.
Oh, God that you would be made much of. Help people to see why today is such a "Good" day! God bring many people to yourself in this city. Use your word to impact hearts in Philadelphia. Use the mobility of your saints in the Northeast to bring people to commune with your church today and Sunday.
Reflecting on the reading for tonight's service, working on intonation of the words for a public gathering, and becoming freshly affected by the words of the prophet in the Old Testament. God gave Isaiah many glimpses of what is and what is to come, and his words resonate the tragedy that was Christ's unlawful treatment and the beauty of the Father's purpose in "crushing His Son".
Now, I'd encourage you to read it again or if you're like me sometimes with blogs and you tend to skim/skip scripture passages, read it...really read it. Don't let the words become too familiar. Yea, you might have heard it before, but take it in, drink it in, and don't leave this page unaffected by truth.
Now that you've read it...or read it again. I'd encourage you to pray. Pray for God to help you see Christ as the all-satisfying atonement for your sin. Pray for God to melt you heart to be freshly affected by the truth of the gospel today. Pray for yourself to not be made much of today, but God. Pray for God to remind you throughout today of what He's done for you, and how that should not only affect you, but how you interact with e-v-e-r-y one around you. Pray for God to open eyes and bring people to himself. Pray for local churches around the world that they would proclaim the truth of the gospel today and this weekend.
Now take a minute...read the passage again. No, I'm serious...it's only eight verses...how much of your time could it really eat up? You're probably going to waste 60 seconds messing around with your favorite app later today anyway...so take a moment to pause, reflect, and thank God for the greatest news that you could ever be given. There's hope for sinful people like you...thank God for that. There's hope for that sinful person that you think is outside of grace...thank God for that. There's hope to live out our days in light of Christ's once-for-all atoning sacrifice...oh, thank God with me for that!
I've been long-winded, but thank God for long-windedness over grace. Here's a great song we sang a couple of weeks ago at Grace & are singing on Sunday too. He truly is the Saving One...from sin and self when we are least deserving of it. Oh, and CRANK THIS BABY UP!!
It makes me ponder and reflect on how people view Christ today. "Oh, He's a good guy", "He taught people how to show love and care then people killed Him for it", or "He had a good message, but He wasn't God". Oh God, how much they doubted then...how much more they doubt now. God, open the eyes of people today and bring them to you! Enlighten the eyes, melt the hearts of stone, and draw masses of people to you today. This weekend, the world looks toward the Christian church. Some people get days off work, tv and radio news give brief descriptions of today's happenings, and many people actually darken the doors of local churches.
Oh, God that you would be made much of. Help people to see why today is such a "Good" day! God bring many people to yourself in this city. Use your word to impact hearts in Philadelphia. Use the mobility of your saints in the Northeast to bring people to commune with your church today and Sunday.
Reflecting on the reading for tonight's service, working on intonation of the words for a public gathering, and becoming freshly affected by the words of the prophet in the Old Testament. God gave Isaiah many glimpses of what is and what is to come, and his words resonate the tragedy that was Christ's unlawful treatment and the beauty of the Father's purpose in "crushing His Son".
3 He was despised and rejected by men;
a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief;
and as one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
4 Surely he has borne our griefs
and carried our sorrows;
yet we esteemed him stricken,
smitten by God, and afflicted.
5 But he was wounded for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and with his stripes we are healed.
6 All we like sheep have gone astray;
we have turned—every one—to his own way;
and the Lord has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.
7 He was oppressed, and he was afflicted,
yet he opened not his mouth;
like a lamb that is led to the slaughter,
and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent,
so he opened not his mouth.
8 By oppression and judgment he was taken away;
and as for his generation, who considered
that he was cut off out of the land of the living,
stricken for the transgression of my people?
9 And they made his grave with the wicked
and with a rich man in his death,
although he had done no violence,
and there was no deceit in his mouth.
10 Yet it was the will of the Lord to crush him;
he has put him to grief;
when his soul makes an offering for guilt,
he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days;
the will of the Lord shall prosper in his hand.
Now, I'd encourage you to read it again or if you're like me sometimes with blogs and you tend to skim/skip scripture passages, read it...really read it. Don't let the words become too familiar. Yea, you might have heard it before, but take it in, drink it in, and don't leave this page unaffected by truth.
Now that you've read it...or read it again. I'd encourage you to pray. Pray for God to help you see Christ as the all-satisfying atonement for your sin. Pray for God to melt you heart to be freshly affected by the truth of the gospel today. Pray for yourself to not be made much of today, but God. Pray for God to remind you throughout today of what He's done for you, and how that should not only affect you, but how you interact with e-v-e-r-y one around you. Pray for God to open eyes and bring people to himself. Pray for local churches around the world that they would proclaim the truth of the gospel today and this weekend.
Now take a minute...read the passage again. No, I'm serious...it's only eight verses...how much of your time could it really eat up? You're probably going to waste 60 seconds messing around with your favorite app later today anyway...so take a moment to pause, reflect, and thank God for the greatest news that you could ever be given. There's hope for sinful people like you...thank God for that. There's hope for that sinful person that you think is outside of grace...thank God for that. There's hope to live out our days in light of Christ's once-for-all atoning sacrifice...oh, thank God with me for that!
I've been long-winded, but thank God for long-windedness over grace. Here's a great song we sang a couple of weeks ago at Grace & are singing on Sunday too. He truly is the Saving One...from sin and self when we are least deserving of it. Oh, and CRANK THIS BABY UP!!
Countdown to Good Friday - Part Five (Sufficiency in the Sacrifice)
Reminded last night of the freedom that comes from transparency, the care that comes from community, and the comfort that comes from the Savior. Last night in care group, I was graciously prompted by the Spirit to share where I'm struggling...have been struggling for the past few months to rest, trust, revel, and rejoice in God. I've been despondent, depressed, weary, confused, and apathetic at best. A blue funk of sorts with heaps of self-pity and downheartedness seemed my lot. I have been cast down not believing "that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living!" (Ps. 27:13).
Doing so much in my own strength and not resting in the sufficiency of Christ. Trusting in myself to do it all...pulling myself up by my proverbial bootstraps. I've seen how miserable it can be to try to do it on my own. Confessing this complacency last night was a step. Many days it's felt like one step forward and two steps back. Why can I not seem to move on, make progress, or be satisfied in Christ alone?
Working with Grace4Kids, I hadn't heard Dan's message on Sunday, but listening to it this morning my heart was racked by my propensity to be self-sufficient. From Mark 6, Jesus gives us a perfect picture of one deriving His sufficiency from the Father. If anyone had the right to be self-sufficient, Christ did. But, He chooses to succumb to the will of the Father every time. The disciples are on the sea fighting a nasty wind, and Jesus who stayed behind to pray walks on the water to pass by them. The disciples freak out...they don't get it...they don't cry out to God, but are terrified. The disciples' "assumed self-sufficiency has shown itself to be insufficient, and they are hard-hearted. They are blind to the fact that grace, power, and enablement has undeservedly come to them in Jesus. Oh, they obey him. They move at his bidding, but their self-sufficiency blinds them to see their need for His divine grace, His divine help."
I've been putting my head down and plowing ahead through difficult times. His sufficiency is often shown in my weakness, but am I seeing that? Situations caused me to doubt where my source of hope in painful situations lies. The message continued and rocked me harder
I could type out the rest because it was so apt and weighty on my heart. Christ is all-sufficient so why am I trying to do it on my own? Why am I not seeing Christ? Because, my eyes are focused on my circumstances. My heart is set on "what I need to do" to get over pain and hurt. God solved my hurt problem at the cross. He took all pain and discomfort and sin and heartache laying it on His shoulders to obey the will of the Father. God, as tears fall on my keyboard, let me not leave this moment unchanged. Make your self great to me today. Remind me of what you showed me in Scripture yesterday morning in Ephesians 1:3-14. Lord, I'm struggling to believe it...help my unbelief
Doing so much in my own strength and not resting in the sufficiency of Christ. Trusting in myself to do it all...pulling myself up by my proverbial bootstraps. I've seen how miserable it can be to try to do it on my own. Confessing this complacency last night was a step. Many days it's felt like one step forward and two steps back. Why can I not seem to move on, make progress, or be satisfied in Christ alone?
Working with Grace4Kids, I hadn't heard Dan's message on Sunday, but listening to it this morning my heart was racked by my propensity to be self-sufficient. From Mark 6, Jesus gives us a perfect picture of one deriving His sufficiency from the Father. If anyone had the right to be self-sufficient, Christ did. But, He chooses to succumb to the will of the Father every time. The disciples are on the sea fighting a nasty wind, and Jesus who stayed behind to pray walks on the water to pass by them. The disciples freak out...they don't get it...they don't cry out to God, but are terrified. The disciples' "assumed self-sufficiency has shown itself to be insufficient, and they are hard-hearted. They are blind to the fact that grace, power, and enablement has undeservedly come to them in Jesus. Oh, they obey him. They move at his bidding, but their self-sufficiency blinds them to see their need for His divine grace, His divine help."
I've been putting my head down and plowing ahead through difficult times. His sufficiency is often shown in my weakness, but am I seeing that? Situations caused me to doubt where my source of hope in painful situations lies. The message continued and rocked me harder
"So, where are you at in the midst of the difficulties of your life? Are you putting those self-protected strategies into place? Are you reclining back in your security bubble? Know this, we were never created to live this life alone. We need a Savior. And thankfully, God has not left us alone. He has sent Jesus, His Son, to enter our world to identify with our weakness and endure weakness. His Son endured the ultimate suffering so that in our suffering we are not alone. Suffering and difficulty become now the occasion for Christ to be made great in our lives as His sufficiency is put on display through the weakness of our lives. This means that obedience to Jesus might result in suffering, yes. In other words, God may not release you or relieve you from suffering, but he will refine you in the midst of it. He will exercise your faith to rest in his all-sufficient grace. Suffering is not a lose-lose situation. It's a win-win situation with Jesus."
I could type out the rest because it was so apt and weighty on my heart. Christ is all-sufficient so why am I trying to do it on my own? Why am I not seeing Christ? Because, my eyes are focused on my circumstances. My heart is set on "what I need to do" to get over pain and hurt. God solved my hurt problem at the cross. He took all pain and discomfort and sin and heartache laying it on His shoulders to obey the will of the Father. God, as tears fall on my keyboard, let me not leave this moment unchanged. Make your self great to me today. Remind me of what you showed me in Scripture yesterday morning in Ephesians 1:3-14. Lord, I'm struggling to believe it...help my unbelief
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.
In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory."
Countdown to Good Friday - Part Quad (Were You There)
Reminded today of the gravity of my helpless plight. My sin and it's culmination of utter damnation was removed by the Father through the Son's atonement. Thank God for the crushing of His Son to fulfill the will of the Father. Here's a good reminder by Shai Linne from his Atonement album called "Were You There?"
This story starts at the climax, we find that time's lapsed- don't mind that
It's kind of like a night cap filled with divine acts
We zoom in the lens on Christ's agony on the garden
Doomed for His friends- His tragedy for our pardon
Foreseeing the Father's cup of wrath has Him stifled and weak
He's sweating blood with His disciples asleep
The Prince of Peace knows the beef shall increase
Since the thief approaches with the soldiers and the chief priests
His arrest is not just- neither is the trial
While Jesus is being treated foul, He sees Peter's denial
He's sent to Pilate, to Herod, back to Pilate
The violence of humanity at its finest
So now He stands before the crowd doomed to die
An angry mob who's yelling out "crucify"
The way they treat the Lord of glory is debased and it's foul
But you miss the point if you don't see your face in the crowd
Were you there when they crucified my Lord?
Were you there? Were you there? (4x)
Man, sometimes it causes me to tremble
Yo, sometimes it causes me to tremble
This story starts at the climax, we find that time's lapsed- don't mind that
It's kind of like a night cap filled with divine acts
We zoom in the lens on Christ's agony in the garden
Doomed for His friends- it had to be for the pardon
And delivery from misery of kids who speak wickedly
Sinfully, inwardly slick with the iniquity
We see disciples sleep and mock today with a lot to say
But we do the same thing when we don't watch and pray
Like Judas, we sell Christ out to get the treasure
Whether it's the cheddar or forbidden pleasure
Like the chief priests, we want Christ to surrender
But we want Him out the way when He doesn't fit our agenda
Like Peter, we have misplaced, fleshly confidence
But we'll deny the Lord when faced with deadly consequence
Like Herod, we're curious about Christ because He's famous
But we quickly get bored with Him when He doesn't entertain us
Like Pilate, we see Christ and find nothing wrong with Him
But when the world chooses the wicked, we go right along with them
Despite His kindness, we seek to do our Maker violence
The fallenness of humanity at its finest
So now He stands before the crowd doomed to die
An angry mob who's yelling out "crucify"
The way they treat the Lord of glory is debased and it's foul
But you miss the point if you don't see your face in the crowd
Were you there when they crucified my Lord?
Were you there? Were you there? (4x)
Man, sometimes it causes me to tremble
Yo, sometimes it causes me to tremble
This story starts at the climax, we find that time's lapsed- don't mind that
It's kind of like a night cap filled with divine acts
We zoom in the lens on Christ's agony on the garden
Doomed for His friends- His tragedy for our pardon
Foreseeing the Father's cup of wrath- it has Him stifled and weak
He's sweating blood with His disciples asleep
The Prince of Peace knows the beef shall increase
Since the thief approaches with the soldiers and the chief priests
His arrest is not just- neither is the trial
While Jesus is being treated foul, he sees Peter's denial
He's sent to Pilate, to Herod, back to Pilate
The violence of humanity at its finest
So now He stands before the crowd doomed to die
An angry mob who's yelling out "crucify"
The way we treat the Lord of glory is debased and it's foul
Ashamed, I bow because I see my face in the crowd
This story starts at the climax, we find that time's lapsed- don't mind that
It's kind of like a night cap filled with divine acts
We zoom in the lens on Christ's agony on the garden
Doomed for His friends- His tragedy for our pardon
Foreseeing the Father's cup of wrath has Him stifled and weak
He's sweating blood with His disciples asleep
The Prince of Peace knows the beef shall increase
Since the thief approaches with the soldiers and the chief priests
His arrest is not just- neither is the trial
While Jesus is being treated foul, He sees Peter's denial
He's sent to Pilate, to Herod, back to Pilate
The violence of humanity at its finest
So now He stands before the crowd doomed to die
An angry mob who's yelling out "crucify"
The way they treat the Lord of glory is debased and it's foul
But you miss the point if you don't see your face in the crowd
Were you there when they crucified my Lord?
Were you there? Were you there? (4x)
Man, sometimes it causes me to tremble
Yo, sometimes it causes me to tremble
This story starts at the climax, we find that time's lapsed- don't mind that
It's kind of like a night cap filled with divine acts
We zoom in the lens on Christ's agony in the garden
Doomed for His friends- it had to be for the pardon
And delivery from misery of kids who speak wickedly
Sinfully, inwardly slick with the iniquity
We see disciples sleep and mock today with a lot to say
But we do the same thing when we don't watch and pray
Like Judas, we sell Christ out to get the treasure
Whether it's the cheddar or forbidden pleasure
Like the chief priests, we want Christ to surrender
But we want Him out the way when He doesn't fit our agenda
Like Peter, we have misplaced, fleshly confidence
But we'll deny the Lord when faced with deadly consequence
Like Herod, we're curious about Christ because He's famous
But we quickly get bored with Him when He doesn't entertain us
Like Pilate, we see Christ and find nothing wrong with Him
But when the world chooses the wicked, we go right along with them
Despite His kindness, we seek to do our Maker violence
The fallenness of humanity at its finest
So now He stands before the crowd doomed to die
An angry mob who's yelling out "crucify"
The way they treat the Lord of glory is debased and it's foul
But you miss the point if you don't see your face in the crowd
Were you there when they crucified my Lord?
Were you there? Were you there? (4x)
Man, sometimes it causes me to tremble
Yo, sometimes it causes me to tremble
This story starts at the climax, we find that time's lapsed- don't mind that
It's kind of like a night cap filled with divine acts
We zoom in the lens on Christ's agony on the garden
Doomed for His friends- His tragedy for our pardon
Foreseeing the Father's cup of wrath- it has Him stifled and weak
He's sweating blood with His disciples asleep
The Prince of Peace knows the beef shall increase
Since the thief approaches with the soldiers and the chief priests
His arrest is not just- neither is the trial
While Jesus is being treated foul, he sees Peter's denial
He's sent to Pilate, to Herod, back to Pilate
The violence of humanity at its finest
So now He stands before the crowd doomed to die
An angry mob who's yelling out "crucify"
The way we treat the Lord of glory is debased and it's foul
Ashamed, I bow because I see my face in the crowd
Countdown to Good Friday - Part Tres (Being the Gospel)
Being the gospel...what does that look like on a Tuesday evening? What does it mean to love in word and deed during the Passion week? What does it mean to share and what constitutes a successful gospel conversation?
I could rack my brain about what that looks like, but I was reminded today that it's just being with people and sharing what's everything to me. When people ask what I do or who I am, I should echo Peter's exhortation to
I was reminded of that today when I was at Six Flags. I know...grad school is great because you get to pick your own ideas for field trips and take them! So, I had a few opportunities which I'm grateful for to share a little about this great hope that I have in me. To give reason for why I'm in Philly, why I'm in education, why I believe what I believe to 3 other classmates who were confined in a car during an hour-long trip...God is sovereign for these little opportunities to make Him great. Talking about sports and class stuff is great, but if I don't take those opportunities when they come then I'm saying Christ isn't Lord, that He isn't enough to take away their sin, and they don't need Him when they desperately do. Thank God for unsquandered opportunities.
Thank God for great coffee too and great conversation. One of my favorite new spots in the city is Mugshots in Fairmount Park across from Eastern State Penitentiary. They have a great selection of drinks and an array of organic, free-range chicken/turkey wraps, and homemade items. Seriously, I recommend the Capone wrap or original bagel with homemade veggie cream cheese w/a vanilla latte...divine! Loved getting to talk to other believers who came in tonight to have a bible study/resource night in seeing how they are perceived in the community and how they are reaching out. Great to see others having similar visions for their part of the city.
Another couple of good songs...take a listen!
He is Jesus (one of my all-time favs...He's a treasure surpassing all others and worthy to be shared with all!)
Made Us Alive (another Village Church one that's a great reminder of who we now are in Christ because of what He did for us!)
I could rack my brain about what that looks like, but I was reminded today that it's just being with people and sharing what's everything to me. When people ask what I do or who I am, I should echo Peter's exhortation to
"in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander."(1 Peter 3:15-16)I can't handle people's perceptions but be faithful to what God is calling me to do. I love that people starts vs.15 by saying "in your hearts revere Christ as Lord". That's really it isn't it? If I'm not seeing Christ as Lord, I'm viewing something else as more important like people's perception of me. If I'm viewing my status as more important, I'm degrading the deity of Christ. But on the other hand if I'm with Peter and revering Christ as Lord in my heart then I'm not afraid to answer everyone who asks me about why I have hope in Christ.
I was reminded of that today when I was at Six Flags. I know...grad school is great because you get to pick your own ideas for field trips and take them! So, I had a few opportunities which I'm grateful for to share a little about this great hope that I have in me. To give reason for why I'm in Philly, why I'm in education, why I believe what I believe to 3 other classmates who were confined in a car during an hour-long trip...God is sovereign for these little opportunities to make Him great. Talking about sports and class stuff is great, but if I don't take those opportunities when they come then I'm saying Christ isn't Lord, that He isn't enough to take away their sin, and they don't need Him when they desperately do. Thank God for unsquandered opportunities.
Thank God for great coffee too and great conversation. One of my favorite new spots in the city is Mugshots in Fairmount Park across from Eastern State Penitentiary. They have a great selection of drinks and an array of organic, free-range chicken/turkey wraps, and homemade items. Seriously, I recommend the Capone wrap or original bagel with homemade veggie cream cheese w/a vanilla latte...divine! Loved getting to talk to other believers who came in tonight to have a bible study/resource night in seeing how they are perceived in the community and how they are reaching out. Great to see others having similar visions for their part of the city.
Another couple of good songs...take a listen!
He is Jesus (one of my all-time favs...He's a treasure surpassing all others and worthy to be shared with all!)
Made Us Alive (another Village Church one that's a great reminder of who we now are in Christ because of what He did for us!)
Countdown to Good Friday - Part Deux (Wondrous Love)
Sometimes you just have to be reminded that Jesus covers our mistakes. Like accidentally deleting this post, then having blogger crash on me and thinking it was autosaved, and it wasn't. So, I'm grateful for the week off so I can spend time, reading about and reflecting on God's gracious gift, working on grad work, spending time with friends, and just taking in moments because that's all I have is this moment now. Grateful for friends who will shake off playoff hockey to play basketball for an hour. Grateful to God for the ability to run 4.5 miles on 4 different occasions in the past week...pretty sure that's the first time that's ever happened (and for YouVersion who updated their app to include vocal recordings of most of their English translations...it was a blessing during my 5mile run tonight (though I was slightly distracted by the Pacers as well:))
So, honestly I'm just thankful that God is greater than my sin, my failures, me. He loves and cares even when I'm a complete mess. He gives and gives though I could never repay Him nor would I try because that would be an afront to His free gift of grace. I could never earn it, and I'm grateful. I could never pay the debt, and I fall deeper into debt to grace each moment of each day.
I'm grateful for music that expresses my thoughts and feelings toward a great God. I'm grateful for churches (GBC being one of them) who write and make music that bottles those expressions of gratefulness and appreciation through various styles and forms. So, I'm going to be sharing this week some of my favorite songs relating to the awesome and awful torture of my God and King hoping you can rejoice with me.
From Mars Hill's Good Friday service last year, I love this rendition of a long-standing hymn which eminates the feelings and despair of a wretched and depraved soul who has nothing outside of the Wondrous Love of a Saviour.
What Wondrous Love is This?
And from The Village Church in Dallas...this just came out a few weeks ago, and I'm so grateful. I know that I'll be sharing more in the next few days because it's stellar in the truth expressed...enjoy!
In My Place
So, honestly I'm just thankful that God is greater than my sin, my failures, me. He loves and cares even when I'm a complete mess. He gives and gives though I could never repay Him nor would I try because that would be an afront to His free gift of grace. I could never earn it, and I'm grateful. I could never pay the debt, and I fall deeper into debt to grace each moment of each day.
I'm grateful for music that expresses my thoughts and feelings toward a great God. I'm grateful for churches (GBC being one of them) who write and make music that bottles those expressions of gratefulness and appreciation through various styles and forms. So, I'm going to be sharing this week some of my favorite songs relating to the awesome and awful torture of my God and King hoping you can rejoice with me.
From Mars Hill's Good Friday service last year, I love this rendition of a long-standing hymn which eminates the feelings and despair of a wretched and depraved soul who has nothing outside of the Wondrous Love of a Saviour.
What Wondrous Love is This?
And from The Village Church in Dallas...this just came out a few weeks ago, and I'm so grateful. I know that I'll be sharing more in the next few days because it's stellar in the truth expressed...enjoy!
In My Place
Countdown to Good Friday - Part 1 (G.O.S.P.E.L.)
This week will be full and empty at the same time. I want to take time to reflect, meditate, and ask God to make the gospel more evident to me today. Reading through the gospel accounts leading up to Friday & Sunday allowing myself to become more aware of that gift. That gift that I often overlook or make to be smaller than it is.
Praying that God is more real to me in this moment than the last. Praying that the vision of Him would mean the death of myself. Thankful for the gift and thankful for the many ways to express that gift. Here's one that I've shared through different media.
Praying that God is more real to me in this moment than the last. Praying that the vision of Him would mean the death of myself. Thankful for the gift and thankful for the many ways to express that gift. Here's one that I've shared through different media.
Chasing the Wind
sitting on the roof reading Ecclesiastes this morning, I was struck afresh with the brevity of this existence. Brevity that breathes passion; brevity that breeds reflection; brevity begetting levity. An "eat, drink, and be merry" attitude (1 Cor 15:32) that lives and dies in the moment. No thought for the future, no recognition of affections being set on things above, no cogitation of the finished work of Christ on the cross, and no consideration of the sealing work that the resurrection induces.
A realization of our finite existence can lead to a lascivious lifestyle. Outside of Christ, our life's are nothing more than, at best, meaningless attempts at fulfilling a higher purpose which are in reality engulfing waves of our inner self-gratification surrounded in a cloud of damning hedonism. Nothing without Christ; Everything in Christ.
Even in Christ, sometimes I see myself "chasing the wind". Seeking material over immaterial, the fleeting over the fulfilling, or momentary pleasure over "joy unspeakable and full of glory".
So, I'm freshly affected this morning by Solomon's words. There's definitely some slight hyperbole in his pen, but the gravity of the truth is unmistakable.
I think I'll take a page from his book. We see it, we feel it, we know it, but often we don't live it. God has fashioned us, designed us, rescued us, and redeemed us for something greater. Words can't seem to express the enlightening graciously given by the Spirit and experienced this morning while moseying through the wisdom literature.
Coupled with this song by The Ember Days (which again providentially found today) that expresses the heart of the redeemed sinner who desires something more...something tangible...something out of his instinctive grasp...something divine.
"Chasing the Wind"
I’m discontent with chasing the wind
I want to feel more than air on my skin
Like the tide feelings come and go
Here today gone tomorrow
I want love, I want You
So take this beaten heart
And let it beat for You
I’m scared, yeah I’m scared
Only You know how I feel
When I say I don’t want to feel anything but love
True love, true love
Watch me bloom cause soon I’ll wither
But Your love lasts forever
Like the sun life is beautiful
When I rise and when I fall
A realization of our finite existence can lead to a lascivious lifestyle. Outside of Christ, our life's are nothing more than, at best, meaningless attempts at fulfilling a higher purpose which are in reality engulfing waves of our inner self-gratification surrounded in a cloud of damning hedonism. Nothing without Christ; Everything in Christ.
Even in Christ, sometimes I see myself "chasing the wind". Seeking material over immaterial, the fleeting over the fulfilling, or momentary pleasure over "joy unspeakable and full of glory".
So, I'm freshly affected this morning by Solomon's words. There's definitely some slight hyperbole in his pen, but the gravity of the truth is unmistakable.
13 I applied my mind to study and to explore by wisdom all that is done under the heavens. What a heavy burden God has laid on mankind! 14 I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.
15 What is crooked cannot be straightened;
what is lacking cannot be counted.
16 I said to myself, “Look, I have increased in wisdom more than anyone who has ruled over Jerusalem before me; I have experienced much of wisdom and knowledge.” 17 Then I applied myself to the understanding of wisdom, and also of madness and folly, but I learned that this, too, is a chasing after the wind.
18 For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
the more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecc 1:13-18
I think I'll take a page from his book. We see it, we feel it, we know it, but often we don't live it. God has fashioned us, designed us, rescued us, and redeemed us for something greater. Words can't seem to express the enlightening graciously given by the Spirit and experienced this morning while moseying through the wisdom literature.
Coupled with this song by The Ember Days (which again providentially found today) that expresses the heart of the redeemed sinner who desires something more...something tangible...something out of his instinctive grasp...something divine.
"Chasing the Wind"
I’m discontent with chasing the wind
I want to feel more than air on my skin
Like the tide feelings come and go
Here today gone tomorrow
I want love, I want You
So take this beaten heart
And let it beat for You
I’m scared, yeah I’m scared
Only You know how I feel
When I say I don’t want to feel anything but love
True love, true love
Watch me bloom cause soon I’ll wither
But Your love lasts forever
Like the sun life is beautiful
When I rise and when I fall
Here we go again
I started listening to Darrin Patrick after hearing him at PLANT! two weeks ago. I started reading "Church Planter: The Man, The Message, The Mission" a couple of days ago too. I started downloading the Journey podcast a while ago, but started listen to it last week. God has definitely used it to deconstruct & reconstruct my thinking. To continue to get my focus off myself and back on the Savior which leads to reaching people.
Which leads to another sermon that's smacked me upside the head. As I was running late last night, the next message in the "Darkness Into Light" series was entitled "Getting Your Eyes Off Yourself". I was familiar with the text when I saw it come up on the screen & kinda knew what I was in for...but not really. Grateful for God using men like Darrin to speak truth. Oh to God that I would be a conduit of grace & not a cul-de-sac of intake. Glad to know that I haven't arrived & God's still working to shape, refine, & redefine me.
Love this text...it hits home:
"So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men." (Phil 2:1-7)
Which leads to another sermon that's smacked me upside the head. As I was running late last night, the next message in the "Darkness Into Light" series was entitled "Getting Your Eyes Off Yourself". I was familiar with the text when I saw it come up on the screen & kinda knew what I was in for...but not really. Grateful for God using men like Darrin to speak truth. Oh to God that I would be a conduit of grace & not a cul-de-sac of intake. Glad to know that I haven't arrived & God's still working to shape, refine, & redefine me.
Love this text...it hits home:
"So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men." (Phil 2:1-7)
Back to the Drawing Board
Seriously, God continues to reach down deep to rip out the roots of who I am. It hurts, but it's a good pain. To be honest, it doesn't feel like it right now, but I know it will be.
So, in the area that I thought I was doing well...contentment...this rang true."Therefore, whoever thinks he stands must be careful not to fall!" (1 Cor. 10:12)
God was gracious to bring me across this message by Darrin Patrick...around minutes 28-31 were a huge smack in the face to where I'm at. And 34-38 are great reminders of who Christ is, and who I am in Him. Good stuff & grateful for the Spirit's purging today.
So, in the area that I thought I was doing well...contentment...this rang true."Therefore, whoever thinks he stands must be careful not to fall!" (1 Cor. 10:12)
God was gracious to bring me across this message by Darrin Patrick...around minutes 28-31 were a huge smack in the face to where I'm at. And 34-38 are great reminders of who Christ is, and who I am in Him. Good stuff & grateful for the Spirit's purging today.
Fresh Affection Broods in an Evening Run.
Halfway through my 2.5 mile run tonight on the all to familiar loop around my house, the rain starts. Providentially, my earbuds start ringing out "What can wash away my sin? Only the blood of Jesus. What can make me whole again? Only the blood of Jesus. Nothing can for sin atone. Only the blood of Jesus. Nothing good that I have done. Only the blood of Jesus. Oh Great God. Blessed Redeemer. Merciful Savior You are. Oh Great God. King of Creation. Hope of the Nations You are. This is all my hope and peace. Only the blood of Jesus. This is all my righteousness. Only the blood of Jesus."
As the rain falls around me like a wave rushing the shore, a fresh awareness of grace engulfs me. As the beat resounds in my ear while methodically my feet plod the pavement, my heart starts beating rapidly with a renewed vigor. God has a great purpose. For his kingdom, for the world, for this city, for me, and I'm here in this city and on this block because God providentially designed it for his glory and my good. Ian preached it this morning, but the realization didn't resonate until a few minutes ago. To reach the unreached, to live life where I'm at, and be/share the gospel with those around me...God is glorified in the going of his disciples whether or not anybody receives the message. Much to ponder, much to chew on and digest, a greater mission to respond to, and a great God to make much of.
As the rain falls around me like a wave rushing the shore, a fresh awareness of grace engulfs me. As the beat resounds in my ear while methodically my feet plod the pavement, my heart starts beating rapidly with a renewed vigor. God has a great purpose. For his kingdom, for the world, for this city, for me, and I'm here in this city and on this block because God providentially designed it for his glory and my good. Ian preached it this morning, but the realization didn't resonate until a few minutes ago. To reach the unreached, to live life where I'm at, and be/share the gospel with those around me...God is glorified in the going of his disciples whether or not anybody receives the message. Much to ponder, much to chew on and digest, a greater mission to respond to, and a great God to make much of.
Thankful
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Thankful for Love. Thankful for Grace. Thankful for Mercy that Lighted on My Face. Thankful for Herbert. Thankful for Poetry. Thankful for Piper who tweeted one of my favorites to remind me.
LOVE (III)
by George Herbert
Love bade me welcome, yet my soul drew back,
Guilty of dust and sin.
But quick-ey'd Love, observing me grow slack
From my first entrance in,
Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning
If I lack'd anything.
"A guest," I answer'd, "worthy to be here";
Love said, "You shall be he."
"I, the unkind, the ungrateful? ah my dear,
I cannot look on thee."
Love took my hand and smiling did reply,
"Who made the eyes but I?"
"Truth, Lord, but I have marr'd them; let my shame
Go where it doth deserve."
"And know you not," says Love, "who bore the blame?"
"My dear, then I will serve."
"You must sit down," says Love, "and taste my meat."
So I did sit and eat.
Thankful for George Herbert who was born on this day in 1593. Look up his works, and surely you will be blessed.
LOVE (III)
by George Herbert
Love bade me welcome, yet my soul drew back,
Guilty of dust and sin.
But quick-ey'd Love, observing me grow slack
From my first entrance in,
Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning
If I lack'd anything.
"A guest," I answer'd, "worthy to be here";
Love said, "You shall be he."
"I, the unkind, the ungrateful? ah my dear,
I cannot look on thee."
Love took my hand and smiling did reply,
"Who made the eyes but I?"
"Truth, Lord, but I have marr'd them; let my shame
Go where it doth deserve."
"And know you not," says Love, "who bore the blame?"
"My dear, then I will serve."
"You must sit down," says Love, "and taste my meat."
So I did sit and eat.
Thankful for George Herbert who was born on this day in 1593. Look up his works, and surely you will be blessed.
Sabbath Hopes
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I'm notoriously lazy on Sundays. Rarely do I ponder or reflect before a service. Sometimes I'll read, but my heart is not often bent toward the Spirit afterward. It's been a while since I've really chewed on and meditated on the Word before a Sunday worship service.
I was looking forward to two services at Grace for several reasons. God's growing and shaping the body, bringing people to Himself, and two services opens up opportunities to reach even more people with the gospel on a Sunday morning. Also, I was looking forward to more visitors coming especially at the later service...one of the main reasons I chose to start going to this service.
Knowing the procrastinating tendency of my heart, I knew an 11:30 start time would probably get me focused on the Savior, heart on the word and others, and affections bent toward service. Well, today's the first day of that and hopefully that'll be true.
So I'm hoping in God to be God today. To comfort, encourage, strengthen, convict, forgive, rejuvenate, and break through me to make much of Him.
Here's a new one from SGM's new album "Risen". Get it HERE for $5 until April 15th.
I was looking forward to two services at Grace for several reasons. God's growing and shaping the body, bringing people to Himself, and two services opens up opportunities to reach even more people with the gospel on a Sunday morning. Also, I was looking forward to more visitors coming especially at the later service...one of the main reasons I chose to start going to this service.
Knowing the procrastinating tendency of my heart, I knew an 11:30 start time would probably get me focused on the Savior, heart on the word and others, and affections bent toward service. Well, today's the first day of that and hopefully that'll be true.
So I'm hoping in God to be God today. To comfort, encourage, strengthen, convict, forgive, rejuvenate, and break through me to make much of Him.
Here's a new one from SGM's new album "Risen". Get it HERE for $5 until April 15th.
Progress However Slow is Still Progress...
I've battled with self-righteousness for years. I've often thought that my status with God is based on my behavior. If I do good, God will bless. If I'm not being blessed, then I must be doing something to displease God. So, I've treated my relationship with God like a wheel of samsara in which all my actions determine a equal yet deserving karmic effect.
I don't espouse the Hindi beliefs of karma and the four-fold Buddhist path of suffering, yet I've often lived that way. I've been the elder brother in Luke 15 that refuses to go into the party to celebrate my younger, no longer prodigal brother's return. I think my father has held something back from me. He's not blessing me though I've kept all his rules, been there when my pagan brother wasn't, suffered from the loss of inheritance squandered by said brother, and like I said "kept all his rules". Where's my party? Where's my blessing? What haven't I done to please the father that he would give to the undeserving son and not the faithful one?
I look for opportunities to control my environment and how the father should treat me instead of just enjoying the opportunity that I have to be with the father. I squander precious moments worrying over what will be and how I can get, get, get from the father for my own gain instead of relishing the Father's presence with no regard for what I might get.
The last couple of months have been a scouring time of oftentimes rough, abrasive treatments. Every time that I think I'm making headway, and I've been given clarity on a situation then I get proud. Every time that I ignore issues, problems, pressing thoughts and sweep them under the proverbial rug then I fear, worry, and panic. I call out in distress, but often just to alleviate the pain not to receive peace from the father. I'm overly concerned with what isn't, what might be, and how to achieve my end goals that I destroy any semblance of trust, faith, or obedience to Christ.
I've quenched the Holy Spirit; I've ignored people; I've not cherished the gospel or preached it to myself regularly; I've been angry and frustrated with myself and reveled in guilt and shame recently like a warm blanket; I've doubted God's goodness on many occasions; I've looked to my own devices, been blinded by the deceitfulness of my heart, and wanted my way above all else; I've run from problems; I've run from responsibility; I've been running from God.
I try to put on a brave face and act like everything is okay. I've said that it is on innumerable occasions. I keep putting up a facade. I put up a barrier between myself and others for fear of them knowing me for me. I'll just get rejected again. Honestly, I don't think I can bear the weight of that again.
So, how is there progress? What have I learned in the last couple of weeks? What evidences of change and growth is the Spirit showing me?
Less petitioning God for wants and needs...more gratefulness, casting cares, praising, recognition of His grace. I see myself praying more...praying for my kids (even in the moment when Jean is running the opposite way down the hallway); every new coffee shop I've visited recently (5 new ones in the last 2-3 weeks) God's prompted me to pray for the barista, the patrons...and actually engage in meaningful conversation with both (I know...for me it's unusual, but it has to be grace...it has to be him because it's not my usual introverted, awkward self); I've been finding it easier to just be with people, learn their stories, pray with them (because I'm not concerned with their perception of me...it's their perception of Christ in me that makes all the difference...weird that I'm just figuring this out); I've even shared the gospel with a Jehovah's Witness (granted, I had hit him (his car) with my car a couple of weeks earlier...which is a whole 'nother story).
I'm not so much concerned about "getting it right" or making all the "right decisions" because I've got to control my own environment. I can just be, breath, take in moments, turn a 9 minute drive in the morning to work into a 30 minute prayer stroll, sit on the roof of my row home look out on the Frankford area and pray for the gospel to disturb this area as only it can, run more, take more pictures, draw more, insatiably read, I dance a lot more (and I danced a lot before...not good mind you ;), engaging people more, sing more (not sappy break-up songs that were prevalent a month ago)..sing more about the Father & what Christ's sacrifice has done & is doing, write more, write poetry more, write commentaries on the scripture I read, meditate on the word...really chew on it, cherish God's people and tell them that, share what's on my heart and share what God's doing, open up my heart to people more and allow God to change my recent propensity to hold back for fear of rejection.
This progress is real slow, but I think that's the way God wants it. Too fast, and I'd expect too much probably thinking that I had something to do with it. Slow enough to daily trust that I can't do it; Slow enough to savor moments; Slow enough to realize grace covers shame; Slow enough to cast my cares and not get overwhelmed; Slow enough to not drown in guilt; Slow enough to cherish the gospel and it's moment by moment transforming implications to my life...just slow.
I don't espouse the Hindi beliefs of karma and the four-fold Buddhist path of suffering, yet I've often lived that way. I've been the elder brother in Luke 15 that refuses to go into the party to celebrate my younger, no longer prodigal brother's return. I think my father has held something back from me. He's not blessing me though I've kept all his rules, been there when my pagan brother wasn't, suffered from the loss of inheritance squandered by said brother, and like I said "kept all his rules". Where's my party? Where's my blessing? What haven't I done to please the father that he would give to the undeserving son and not the faithful one?
I look for opportunities to control my environment and how the father should treat me instead of just enjoying the opportunity that I have to be with the father. I squander precious moments worrying over what will be and how I can get, get, get from the father for my own gain instead of relishing the Father's presence with no regard for what I might get.
The last couple of months have been a scouring time of oftentimes rough, abrasive treatments. Every time that I think I'm making headway, and I've been given clarity on a situation then I get proud. Every time that I ignore issues, problems, pressing thoughts and sweep them under the proverbial rug then I fear, worry, and panic. I call out in distress, but often just to alleviate the pain not to receive peace from the father. I'm overly concerned with what isn't, what might be, and how to achieve my end goals that I destroy any semblance of trust, faith, or obedience to Christ.
I've quenched the Holy Spirit; I've ignored people; I've not cherished the gospel or preached it to myself regularly; I've been angry and frustrated with myself and reveled in guilt and shame recently like a warm blanket; I've doubted God's goodness on many occasions; I've looked to my own devices, been blinded by the deceitfulness of my heart, and wanted my way above all else; I've run from problems; I've run from responsibility; I've been running from God.
I try to put on a brave face and act like everything is okay. I've said that it is on innumerable occasions. I keep putting up a facade. I put up a barrier between myself and others for fear of them knowing me for me. I'll just get rejected again. Honestly, I don't think I can bear the weight of that again.
So, how is there progress? What have I learned in the last couple of weeks? What evidences of change and growth is the Spirit showing me?
Less petitioning God for wants and needs...more gratefulness, casting cares, praising, recognition of His grace. I see myself praying more...praying for my kids (even in the moment when Jean is running the opposite way down the hallway); every new coffee shop I've visited recently (5 new ones in the last 2-3 weeks) God's prompted me to pray for the barista, the patrons...and actually engage in meaningful conversation with both (I know...for me it's unusual, but it has to be grace...it has to be him because it's not my usual introverted, awkward self); I've been finding it easier to just be with people, learn their stories, pray with them (because I'm not concerned with their perception of me...it's their perception of Christ in me that makes all the difference...weird that I'm just figuring this out); I've even shared the gospel with a Jehovah's Witness (granted, I had hit him (his car) with my car a couple of weeks earlier...which is a whole 'nother story).
I'm not so much concerned about "getting it right" or making all the "right decisions" because I've got to control my own environment. I can just be, breath, take in moments, turn a 9 minute drive in the morning to work into a 30 minute prayer stroll, sit on the roof of my row home look out on the Frankford area and pray for the gospel to disturb this area as only it can, run more, take more pictures, draw more, insatiably read, I dance a lot more (and I danced a lot before...not good mind you ;), engaging people more, sing more (not sappy break-up songs that were prevalent a month ago)..sing more about the Father & what Christ's sacrifice has done & is doing, write more, write poetry more, write commentaries on the scripture I read, meditate on the word...really chew on it, cherish God's people and tell them that, share what's on my heart and share what God's doing, open up my heart to people more and allow God to change my recent propensity to hold back for fear of rejection.
This progress is real slow, but I think that's the way God wants it. Too fast, and I'd expect too much probably thinking that I had something to do with it. Slow enough to daily trust that I can't do it; Slow enough to savor moments; Slow enough to realize grace covers shame; Slow enough to cast my cares and not get overwhelmed; Slow enough to not drown in guilt; Slow enough to cherish the gospel and it's moment by moment transforming implications to my life...just slow.
What Wondrous Love is This!
I love this video and not just because it includes three of my favorites: Chandler, CJ, & Phil Wickham. But the truth that they are speaking and singing about the unfailing, unchanging, unwavering, all-satisfying love of God that pursues & chases a debased and wretched sinner like me...this truth is shocking & overwhelming. What wondrous love is this...oh, my soul...Oh My Soul!
Thanks to BD for posting this on fb.
Seriously, check out bball1989's other similar videos on youtube. They are some of my favorites recently & definitely worth your time:
Crowder, Chandler, & Piper;
Piper, Needham, & Driscoll;
Tenth Avenue North, Driscoll, & Chandler;
Driscoll, Keyes, & Piper;
Shane & Shane and Chandler;
Chandler & Maher
Thanks to BD for posting this on fb.
Seriously, check out bball1989's other similar videos on youtube. They are some of my favorites recently & definitely worth your time:
Crowder, Chandler, & Piper;
Piper, Needham, & Driscoll;
Tenth Avenue North, Driscoll, & Chandler;
Driscoll, Keyes, & Piper;
Shane & Shane and Chandler;
Chandler & Maher
Here's a thought...It's not about you :)
God used this about a week or so ago to challenge my thinking and transform my view on fighting sin. I got The Pursuit of Holiness by Jerry Bridges on audiobook free from christianaudio.com in January and am greatly enjoying it so far. This month's free download is The Holiness of God by Sproul. I'm noticing a trend and am glad for it because I feel that I lack wisdom of God's Holiness. I need to be reminded afresh of who He is and who I am in light of that fact.
Because of that, I'm putting in a lengthy section from the first chapter of The Pursuit of Holiness that God used in my reading and letting it speak for itself. Notice the great reminder that sanctification like salvation is all about God. You can read the entire chapter for free at B&N.com.
Because of that, I'm putting in a lengthy section from the first chapter of The Pursuit of Holiness that God used in my reading and letting it speak for itself. Notice the great reminder that sanctification like salvation is all about God. You can read the entire chapter for free at B&N.com.
"Our first problem is that our attitude toward sin is more self-centered than God-centered. We are more concerned about our own "victory" over sin than we are about the fact that our sins grieve the heart of God. We cannot tolerate failure in our struggle with sin chiefly because we are success-oriented, not because we know it is offensive to God.
W. S. Plumer said, "We never see sin aright until we see it as against God.... All sin is against God in this sense: that it is His law that is broken, His authority that is despised, His government that is set at naught.... Pharaoh and Balaam, Saul and Judas each said, 'I have sinned'; but the returning prodigal said, 'I have sinned against heaven and before thee'; and David said, 'Against Thee, Thee only have I sinned.'"
God wants us to walk in obedience-not victory. Obedience is oriented toward God; victory is oriented toward self. This may seem to be merely splitting hairs over semantics, but there is a subtle, self-centered attitude at the root of many of our difficulties with sin. Until we face this attitude and deal with it we will not consistently walk in holiness.
This is not to say God doesn't want us to experience victory, but rather to emphasize that victory is a byproduct of obedience. As we concentrate on living an obedient, holy life, we will certainly experience the joy of victory over sin."
Though the fig tree should not blossom...yet I will rejoice in the Lord"
Right now, I'm loving the penetrating movement of the Holy Spirit. Every day brings new challenges, and every day I'm reminded more and more of His chiseling work.
Whether it's playing basketball for a couple of hours and realizing quickly that I'm not where I should be physically (but He's doing a work & there's progress). Sometimes it's standing on the sidelines, and Ian drops Habakkuk 3 on me...that's some heavy stuff when your waiting for your game to start, but it was apt and beneficial. Habakkuk 3: 17-19
"Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's;
he makes me tread on my high places."
Sometimes when there's no fruit/progress, and you're in a seemingly "deserted" place in life, rejoice! Take joy in God who gives strength & rejuvenates.
Sometimes it's talking with a friend after lunch yesterday, and they're challenging the things I'm holding on to as idols. I know it's true because my flesh is warring in me as they're saying it. Some things desperately need to be let go because the preoccupation & lingering thoughts are damaging my relationship with God. Sometimes it's okay not to know the answers to questions and trust (a common theme over the past few weeks, but coming up again because I needed it...again).
And providentially, I came home after basketball tonight to read Habakkuk and in vs 18-20 of Chapter 2, the establishing of idols is warned against because of the selfish ambition of the idol-creator and how much of an affront that is to the Lord who "is in His holy temple."
Sometimes it's the growth that comes from changing care groups. The group that I've come to know, love, trust, and open up to for the past two years split up this past week. I know God is using this change to me more into His image and give more opportunities to reach into others lives. I'm grateful for the grace and strength to honestly be okay with the split. Thankful for the two years sharing much with a great group of people and anticipating great things that God has planned with this "new" group of like-minded believers. I love that God is growing Grace Bible Church, leading more people to becoming involved in community to force group splits, bringing more "locals" to hear the gospel and see it in other's lives, transitioning the church body to two Sunday services, and loving to see God use the opportunity to make His name great, strengthen His church, and draw us to greater understanding of His mission for us in Philly.
I can't leave without a song, and I'm falling in love very quickly with "Jars of Clay Presents The Shelter". I may write an entry for each song they've been such a blessing so far. My favorite as of now is based off Psalm 27 called "Run in the Night". I love the imagery of running to the Father in the "night" of the soul. He's the one who found us first, seizes us with His perfection, calls us beloved, won't condemn us, and spreads peace...and by him, we have a shelter and cover to run to in the night.
"Run In The Night (Psalm 27)"
I know who I am
Once I was nameless, alone and You found me
You formed my knees to bend
You called me beloved
I am perfection
All my failures won't condemn me
Or leave me paralyzed and bound
And when I'm at my worst
Your love, it finds me first
By You I can run in the night
For by You I can run in the night
For I am such a man
Seized by the power of a great perfection
No matter where I am
Peace spreads below me in every direction
When evil sets the war upon me
I won't stumble, I won't fall
And though they do their worst
Your love has found me first
For by You I can run in the night
For by You I can run in the night
For by You I can run in the night
Hide me in the shelter of...
Keep me in the cover of...
Lead me in the light of Your love
Hide me in the light of Your love
For by You I can run in the night
For by You I can run in the night
For by You I can run in the night
For by You I can run in the night
Whether it's playing basketball for a couple of hours and realizing quickly that I'm not where I should be physically (but He's doing a work & there's progress). Sometimes it's standing on the sidelines, and Ian drops Habakkuk 3 on me...that's some heavy stuff when your waiting for your game to start, but it was apt and beneficial. Habakkuk 3: 17-19
"Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's;
he makes me tread on my high places."
Sometimes when there's no fruit/progress, and you're in a seemingly "deserted" place in life, rejoice! Take joy in God who gives strength & rejuvenates.
Sometimes it's talking with a friend after lunch yesterday, and they're challenging the things I'm holding on to as idols. I know it's true because my flesh is warring in me as they're saying it. Some things desperately need to be let go because the preoccupation & lingering thoughts are damaging my relationship with God. Sometimes it's okay not to know the answers to questions and trust (a common theme over the past few weeks, but coming up again because I needed it...again).
And providentially, I came home after basketball tonight to read Habakkuk and in vs 18-20 of Chapter 2, the establishing of idols is warned against because of the selfish ambition of the idol-creator and how much of an affront that is to the Lord who "is in His holy temple."
Sometimes it's the growth that comes from changing care groups. The group that I've come to know, love, trust, and open up to for the past two years split up this past week. I know God is using this change to me more into His image and give more opportunities to reach into others lives. I'm grateful for the grace and strength to honestly be okay with the split. Thankful for the two years sharing much with a great group of people and anticipating great things that God has planned with this "new" group of like-minded believers. I love that God is growing Grace Bible Church, leading more people to becoming involved in community to force group splits, bringing more "locals" to hear the gospel and see it in other's lives, transitioning the church body to two Sunday services, and loving to see God use the opportunity to make His name great, strengthen His church, and draw us to greater understanding of His mission for us in Philly.
I can't leave without a song, and I'm falling in love very quickly with "Jars of Clay Presents The Shelter". I may write an entry for each song they've been such a blessing so far. My favorite as of now is based off Psalm 27 called "Run in the Night". I love the imagery of running to the Father in the "night" of the soul. He's the one who found us first, seizes us with His perfection, calls us beloved, won't condemn us, and spreads peace...and by him, we have a shelter and cover to run to in the night.
"Run In The Night (Psalm 27)"
I know who I am
Once I was nameless, alone and You found me
You formed my knees to bend
You called me beloved
I am perfection
All my failures won't condemn me
Or leave me paralyzed and bound
And when I'm at my worst
Your love, it finds me first
By You I can run in the night
For by You I can run in the night
For I am such a man
Seized by the power of a great perfection
No matter where I am
Peace spreads below me in every direction
When evil sets the war upon me
I won't stumble, I won't fall
And though they do their worst
Your love has found me first
For by You I can run in the night
For by You I can run in the night
For by You I can run in the night
Hide me in the shelter of...
Keep me in the cover of...
Lead me in the light of Your love
Hide me in the light of Your love
For by You I can run in the night
For by You I can run in the night
For by You I can run in the night
For by You I can run in the night
Adele-ight to the Senses
Just got Adele's new album 21 the other day on Itunes...wow, wow. All songs written from a recent break-up for her...speaking volumes to me as well. Probably my favorite female set of pipes...she brings it and thought I'd share a breath of common grace this morning & songs representing the path of growh...So many of the lyrics screech out my healing heart...the hurt, the gains, the regrets, the what ifs, and the what might have beens, and the wishes for the best for the person..enjoy!
Don't You Remember
But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,
When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory?
I often think about where I went wrong,
The more I do, the less I know,
Gave you the space so you could breathe,
I kept my distance so you would be free,
And hope that you find the missing piece,
To bring you back to me,
Take It All
Didn't I give it all?
Tried my best
Gave you everything I had
Everything and no less
Didn't I do it right
Did I let you down
Maybe you got too used to
By having me around
Still how can you walk away
From all my tears.
It's gonna be an empty road
Without me right here
[Chorus]
But go on and take it
Take it all with you
Don't look back
At this crumbling fool
Just take it all
With my love
Take it all
With my love
Maybe I should leave
To have you see
Nothing is better than this
And this is everything we need
So is it over?
Is this really you've given up so easily?
I thought you loved me more than this
I would change if I must
Slow it down and bring it home
I will adjust.
Oh if only, if only you knew
Everything I do
Is for you
Rolling In The Deep
The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
And you played it to the beat
Set Fire To The Rain
I let it fall, my heart,
And as it fell, you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me
My hands, they're strong
But my knees were far too weak
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet
I set fire to the rain
And I feel lost into the flames
And it felt something dark
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time!
Someone Like You
Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me I beg
I remember you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"
Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
And memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet
This would taste?
I'll Be Waiting (sadly, couldn't find a video...but the lyrics speak for themselves)
Hold me closer one more time,
Say that you love me in your last goodbye,
Please forgive me for my sins,
Yes, I swam dirty waters,
But you pushed me in,
I've seen your face under every sky,
Over every border and on every line,
You know my heart more than I do,
We were the greatest, me and you,
But we had time against us,
And miles between us,
The heavens cried,
I know I left you speechless,
But now the sky has cleared and it's blue,
And I see my future in you,
I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again,
I put my hands up,
I'll do everything different,
I'll be better to you,
I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again,
I put my hands up,
I'll be somebody different,
I'll be better to you,
Don't You Remember
But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,
When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory?
I often think about where I went wrong,
The more I do, the less I know,
Gave you the space so you could breathe,
I kept my distance so you would be free,
And hope that you find the missing piece,
To bring you back to me,
Take It All
Didn't I give it all?
Tried my best
Gave you everything I had
Everything and no less
Didn't I do it right
Did I let you down
Maybe you got too used to
By having me around
Still how can you walk away
From all my tears.
It's gonna be an empty road
Without me right here
[Chorus]
But go on and take it
Take it all with you
Don't look back
At this crumbling fool
Just take it all
With my love
Take it all
With my love
Maybe I should leave
To have you see
Nothing is better than this
And this is everything we need
So is it over?
Is this really you've given up so easily?
I thought you loved me more than this
I would change if I must
Slow it down and bring it home
I will adjust.
Oh if only, if only you knew
Everything I do
Is for you
Rolling In The Deep
The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
And you played it to the beat
Set Fire To The Rain
I let it fall, my heart,
And as it fell, you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me
My hands, they're strong
But my knees were far too weak
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet
I set fire to the rain
And I feel lost into the flames
And it felt something dark
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time!
Someone Like You
Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me I beg
I remember you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"
Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
And memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet
This would taste?
I'll Be Waiting (sadly, couldn't find a video...but the lyrics speak for themselves)
Hold me closer one more time,
Say that you love me in your last goodbye,
Please forgive me for my sins,
Yes, I swam dirty waters,
But you pushed me in,
I've seen your face under every sky,
Over every border and on every line,
You know my heart more than I do,
We were the greatest, me and you,
But we had time against us,
And miles between us,
The heavens cried,
I know I left you speechless,
But now the sky has cleared and it's blue,
And I see my future in you,
I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again,
I put my hands up,
I'll do everything different,
I'll be better to you,
I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again,
I put my hands up,
I'll be somebody different,
I'll be better to you,
Victory
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This desire to want a better state to be in...it's an long & arduous road.
Love the imagery of this song...and TBT's musical prowess...folk/bluegrass
is gradually become a strong favorite of mine.
All of us lonely, it aint a sin
to want something better, then the shape your in
the rain came at the break of day
your light in the windowpane, said come on in
Its a broken heart babe, i know the sound
Feels like your hands, are nailed to the ground
but it'll pass just like everything else
you won't let it get to me, the next time around
Its a hard earn victory
The life that come from you to me
can never be wrong
Grown from a moment and a million miles
here lies the stardust and it slowly dies
borrowed from nothing come back half alive
and the stars the whisper blessings as you walk by
by Trampled By Turtles
Love the imagery of this song...and TBT's musical prowess...folk/bluegrass
is gradually become a strong favorite of mine.
All of us lonely, it aint a sin
to want something better, then the shape your in
the rain came at the break of day
your light in the windowpane, said come on in
Its a broken heart babe, i know the sound
Feels like your hands, are nailed to the ground
but it'll pass just like everything else
you won't let it get to me, the next time around
Its a hard earn victory
The life that come from you to me
can never be wrong
Grown from a moment and a million miles
here lies the stardust and it slowly dies
borrowed from nothing come back half alive
and the stars the whisper blessings as you walk by
by Trampled By Turtles
There's a Purpose...
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"Once you begin to see God's hand in your life, you will know that his workmanship within you and through you was tailor-made, just for you. His design for your life pulls together every thread of your existence into a magnificent work of art. Every thread matters and has a specific purpose." - Ravi Zacharias, from The Grand Weaver
My present circumstance is part of God's design to test not tempt, glorify not guilt, strengthen not weaken, sanctify not sin, commune with not abandon, praise not doubt, find joy in suffering not wallow in self-pity...God, help me to see your working something out later...and now!
There's a reason for the feelings of hurt, pain, rejection, abandonment, humiliation, loss, filth, heaviness, despair...help me to see you're a "refuge...and an ever-present help in trouble" (Ps. 46:1; NIV). Though my mind wanders and my heart continues to break, help me to see you as alive and present to help. I don't know why things happen the way they do, but I know you are the high fortress to run to in distress.
I get a card the other day. I appreciate it...it's sweet, but is there something else to it? Most likely not, but sadly my feeble mind still contemplates the "what might have been". Grand design...greater purpose...created in Christ Jesus...finishing a great work...THERE IS A PURPOSE for loss...still learning to say goodbye. Praying truly for her this morning with no ulterior motives of reconciliation...God this already shows that you're greater than my circumstances. You will continue to grow & strengthen beyond what I think is possible!
My present circumstance is part of God's design to test not tempt, glorify not guilt, strengthen not weaken, sanctify not sin, commune with not abandon, praise not doubt, find joy in suffering not wallow in self-pity...God, help me to see your working something out later...and now!
There's a reason for the feelings of hurt, pain, rejection, abandonment, humiliation, loss, filth, heaviness, despair...help me to see you're a "refuge...and an ever-present help in trouble" (Ps. 46:1; NIV). Though my mind wanders and my heart continues to break, help me to see you as alive and present to help. I don't know why things happen the way they do, but I know you are the high fortress to run to in distress.
I get a card the other day. I appreciate it...it's sweet, but is there something else to it? Most likely not, but sadly my feeble mind still contemplates the "what might have been". Grand design...greater purpose...created in Christ Jesus...finishing a great work...THERE IS A PURPOSE for loss...still learning to say goodbye. Praying truly for her this morning with no ulterior motives of reconciliation...God this already shows that you're greater than my circumstances. You will continue to grow & strengthen beyond what I think is possible!
Breakthrough
Definition of BREAKTHROUGH
1: an offensive thrust that penetrates and carries beyond a defensive line in warfare
2: an act or instance of breaking through an obstacle
3 a : a sudden advance especially in knowledge or technique
b : a person's first notable success
from Merriam-Webster.com
Sometimes we are privy to epiphanies or "breakthroughs" and don't realize it. I was made well aware by the convicting of the Holy Spirit tonight of what he was starting to do in my own life. I love the first definition because this feels like the "offensive thrust" of the Holy Spirit is barreling through the "defensive line" of my sin, flesh, the hardness of my heart, past shame/guilt, recent situations/circumstances, and everything I've held onto for so long. I'm reminded tonight of the grace given by God to make the struggle evident. He's showing me the ways I've used shame to justify actions, sin against others, and use past situations to affect present circumstances.
In Group Redemption tonight, Dan went over the guilt and shame and how they both play a part in substance/drug abuse & addictions in general. The message is key to a believer's understanding of shame & it's proper place in our lives. He shared that shame is "related to who I am" and guilt is "related to what I've done". The next part was the central focus of the session & key component in the Holy Spirit breaking through the "obstacles" and leading to a "sudden advance in knowledge" for me.
This chart was presented (sorry for the somewhat blurriness...I tried to make it as legible as possible) listing who I am because of shame (something placed on me). These shameful experiences could be a loss of a job, loss of a loved one/relationship, abuse, depression, rape/racism, divorce, failure of a loved one, etc. That column is then contrasted with the next one (my favorite) who I am in/because of Christ which leads to the benefits given to the believer because of Christ.
I was taking an inventory of my life (past/present) and was seeing over and over the instances where I let shame cripple, paralyze, and lead to sin. For as long as I can remember, I've desired to be accepted...to feel like I belonged, but also to be liked. From wanting my dad's approval growing up and not always getting it, to desiring my older brother's acceptance and not getting it in high school, to pursuing relationships with the opposite sex to be liked, to even choosing a group of believers to spend time in community with, and wanting to be accepted in an occupation/ministry by the people I work with. Sometimes, this desire is a "silent" one and sometimes very vocal. God started chipping away at the core of who I am tonight. I garner the acceptance of others to be used later to my advantage. I try hard to "be something" to gain my dad's approval. I work towards "being cool" so my brother would accept me. I try to "be who she wants me to be" to gain her affection/approval. I sometimes attempt to be "more spiritual" or "say the right Christian lingo" to be more accepted in a community of believers. And, I participate in office gossip/idle speech to gain the approval of peers.
This one area is barely scratching the surface of who I am. It's one are, but one for further discussion/contemplation. That even though I often feel rejected because I don't get the approval of others, I have "fellowship with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ" (I John 1:3 ESV). I don't have to be wrapped up in the approval of others and crippled in fear of their opinion because I have the amazing opportunity to enjoy fellowship with the God of the universe. This realization is staggering...it causes me to acknowledge my unworthiness & tread softly in awe of who He is & this great opportunity to come boldly to Him. I'm an adopted child bought by the blood of Christ to not live as an "alien" to His favor, but as one who is no longer condemned by the weight of his sin.
God knows me all to well. He knows my heart, my fears, my failures, and my tendencies. He knows I struggle...He knows I'm weak...He knows I've doubted His kindness today. But because of His Son, HE ACCEPTS ME...and is changing me. I don't have to be paralyzed by my past, doubting in the present, and hesitant about the future. He'll continue to walk me through these things to realize that my past has been paid for by the Son, my present is saturated with the Holy Spirit's guidance through the Word, and my future hope is secure in a God whose promises are sure.
So, as I sat there after Group Redemption explaining to Dan & Will what God was doing and as the scales were lifted, I could be real and transparent as the Holy Spirit was knocking down my castle gate with the battering ram of His grace to show me my weakness and give me hope again. Breakthroughs are unnerving because of the "hugeness" of the issues presented, but exciting because it's evident to me that God is on the move in my life to continue to bring me to repentance and further obedience to make me holy like He's holy.
1: an offensive thrust that penetrates and carries beyond a defensive line in warfare
2: an act or instance of breaking through an obstacle
3 a : a sudden advance especially in knowledge or technique
b : a person's first notable success
from Merriam-Webster.com
Sometimes we are privy to epiphanies or "breakthroughs" and don't realize it. I was made well aware by the convicting of the Holy Spirit tonight of what he was starting to do in my own life. I love the first definition because this feels like the "offensive thrust" of the Holy Spirit is barreling through the "defensive line" of my sin, flesh, the hardness of my heart, past shame/guilt, recent situations/circumstances, and everything I've held onto for so long. I'm reminded tonight of the grace given by God to make the struggle evident. He's showing me the ways I've used shame to justify actions, sin against others, and use past situations to affect present circumstances.
In Group Redemption tonight, Dan went over the guilt and shame and how they both play a part in substance/drug abuse & addictions in general. The message is key to a believer's understanding of shame & it's proper place in our lives. He shared that shame is "related to who I am" and guilt is "related to what I've done". The next part was the central focus of the session & key component in the Holy Spirit breaking through the "obstacles" and leading to a "sudden advance in knowledge" for me.
This chart was presented (sorry for the somewhat blurriness...I tried to make it as legible as possible) listing who I am because of shame (something placed on me). These shameful experiences could be a loss of a job, loss of a loved one/relationship, abuse, depression, rape/racism, divorce, failure of a loved one, etc. That column is then contrasted with the next one (my favorite) who I am in/because of Christ which leads to the benefits given to the believer because of Christ.
I was taking an inventory of my life (past/present) and was seeing over and over the instances where I let shame cripple, paralyze, and lead to sin. For as long as I can remember, I've desired to be accepted...to feel like I belonged, but also to be liked. From wanting my dad's approval growing up and not always getting it, to desiring my older brother's acceptance and not getting it in high school, to pursuing relationships with the opposite sex to be liked, to even choosing a group of believers to spend time in community with, and wanting to be accepted in an occupation/ministry by the people I work with. Sometimes, this desire is a "silent" one and sometimes very vocal. God started chipping away at the core of who I am tonight. I garner the acceptance of others to be used later to my advantage. I try hard to "be something" to gain my dad's approval. I work towards "being cool" so my brother would accept me. I try to "be who she wants me to be" to gain her affection/approval. I sometimes attempt to be "more spiritual" or "say the right Christian lingo" to be more accepted in a community of believers. And, I participate in office gossip/idle speech to gain the approval of peers.
This one area is barely scratching the surface of who I am. It's one are, but one for further discussion/contemplation. That even though I often feel rejected because I don't get the approval of others, I have "fellowship with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ" (I John 1:3 ESV). I don't have to be wrapped up in the approval of others and crippled in fear of their opinion because I have the amazing opportunity to enjoy fellowship with the God of the universe. This realization is staggering...it causes me to acknowledge my unworthiness & tread softly in awe of who He is & this great opportunity to come boldly to Him. I'm an adopted child bought by the blood of Christ to not live as an "alien" to His favor, but as one who is no longer condemned by the weight of his sin.
God knows me all to well. He knows my heart, my fears, my failures, and my tendencies. He knows I struggle...He knows I'm weak...He knows I've doubted His kindness today. But because of His Son, HE ACCEPTS ME...and is changing me. I don't have to be paralyzed by my past, doubting in the present, and hesitant about the future. He'll continue to walk me through these things to realize that my past has been paid for by the Son, my present is saturated with the Holy Spirit's guidance through the Word, and my future hope is secure in a God whose promises are sure.
So, as I sat there after Group Redemption explaining to Dan & Will what God was doing and as the scales were lifted, I could be real and transparent as the Holy Spirit was knocking down my castle gate with the battering ram of His grace to show me my weakness and give me hope again. Breakthroughs are unnerving because of the "hugeness" of the issues presented, but exciting because it's evident to me that God is on the move in my life to continue to bring me to repentance and further obedience to make me holy like He's holy.
Into my sinfulness entered Your Holiness
Sometimes we make decisions & instantly regret them. Sometimes we see a pattern of sin and personal condemnation that makes itself evident in one fell swoop. After a time away this weekend, I had the day off because of a 4 inch blizzard that came thundering into NE Philadelphia. I didn't have the time to read/reflect this weekend like I thought that I would. I didn't spend time yesterday in the Word and found myself in a dark place.
I was doubting & questioning like mad scribbling words & phrases bolded with continual pencil scratchings & wet with tears. Why did it seem the "good" was always out of reach? Why did it seem God wasn't listening? Why did it seem like I was digressing from what God had taught me just a few days prior?
So, I posted a good number of those questions here yesterday knowing full well that my heart was in a desolate place and not being led by the Spirit. I acted on impulse to fulfill a selfish desire to "lash out". Then, I went to class last night, and the topic was "Gender & Sexuality". I was convicted about how I view others, who God is, how God views me, & how I was viewing my situation. So, I came home & immediately deleted the post (something I've never done before). God was gracious to forgive my sin again and remind me of who He is and how He views me & my sin.
I've mentioned Jeremy Horn before, and God used this during my drive on my break to continue to convict/remind me of this same truth.
"Beautiful"
In Your kindness I find, a redemption that's mine
That I cannot explain
How Your love reaches down, through my shame and my doubt
Making my ugliness fade
When my life is a mess and Your righteousness is all I have
You're all I have
Only You can see my heart
Only You can know my heart
Only You can love my heart and say
You're still beautiful to Me
Only You can change my heart
Only You can touch my heart
Only You can clean my heart and say
You’re still beautiful to Me
Every sin leaves a grime, that will darken with time
That I cannot erase
Only You and Your blood, Your compassion Your love
Can make it all fade away
To all I, to all I am
And I will only love You
So write Your name on my heart God
Place Your seal upon me
Knowing my heart’s Yours, oh God
God You search me, God You love me, the way I am
And I am Beautiful
Because You’re Beautiful
You make things beautiful
You are beautiful
©2005 Jeremy Horn (BMI). Admin. by From the Grove Music
I was doubting & questioning like mad scribbling words & phrases bolded with continual pencil scratchings & wet with tears. Why did it seem the "good" was always out of reach? Why did it seem God wasn't listening? Why did it seem like I was digressing from what God had taught me just a few days prior?
So, I posted a good number of those questions here yesterday knowing full well that my heart was in a desolate place and not being led by the Spirit. I acted on impulse to fulfill a selfish desire to "lash out". Then, I went to class last night, and the topic was "Gender & Sexuality". I was convicted about how I view others, who God is, how God views me, & how I was viewing my situation. So, I came home & immediately deleted the post (something I've never done before). God was gracious to forgive my sin again and remind me of who He is and how He views me & my sin.
I've mentioned Jeremy Horn before, and God used this during my drive on my break to continue to convict/remind me of this same truth.
"Beautiful"
In Your kindness I find, a redemption that's mine
That I cannot explain
How Your love reaches down, through my shame and my doubt
Making my ugliness fade
When my life is a mess and Your righteousness is all I have
You're all I have
Only You can see my heart
Only You can know my heart
Only You can love my heart and say
You're still beautiful to Me
Only You can change my heart
Only You can touch my heart
Only You can clean my heart and say
You’re still beautiful to Me
Every sin leaves a grime, that will darken with time
That I cannot erase
Only You and Your blood, Your compassion Your love
Can make it all fade away
To all I, to all I am
And I will only love You
So write Your name on my heart God
Place Your seal upon me
Knowing my heart’s Yours, oh God
God You search me, God You love me, the way I am
And I am Beautiful
Because You’re Beautiful
You make things beautiful
You are beautiful
©2005 Jeremy Horn (BMI). Admin. by From the Grove Music
What If...
Recently I've been asking myself a lot of questions...some deep, some shallow, some meaningful, some meaningless, some that have already been answered, some that will never be answered, some that may take time to be answered, some that I'm ashamed to even utter...
What if God never chose me? Would I possibly have understood grace, forgiveness, or love?
What if I sinned less? Would I appreciate God's mercy more or less?
Why does loss bring discontent? Will gain bring contentment?
Can I really continue to trust the unseen? Do I practically live as if I trust God works all things together for good to those who are his adopted children?
Why do flannel shirts feel fantastically warm? Why can't I wear flannel in the summer as well? Could I market sleeveless flannel shirts for the summer to be coupled with board shorts, cabana hats, & velcro sandals w/black socks? But seriously, what would it take to make shirts that feel as lovely as flannel, but wouldn't make you sweat in the summer?
What is it about hours sitting around snow-ridden campfires, 6 mile hikes through ice & snow, and 2 1/2 days of male bonding that brings such joy? Was it complete irony that caused me to tweak my ankle in the last .3 miles of our 6miles hike (on level ground no less...sheesh)?
Why do I struggle in conversation with people I don't know? Why can I seemingly only concentrate on one conversation at a time when I'm in big groups?
Why do I trust others so easily, but not trust myself at all? Why do I tend to give my heart away so easily? Am I a masochist for heartache? Did I really use the term "masochist" in two separate posts within the same week? Do I need a Word of the Day Calendar to extend my vocabulary so I don't overuse the terms in different posts?
Can God really be enough? Do I practically believe this truth? Why do I often put people and things above him? Why am I seemingly more concerned with other's opinions than His?
What is it like to be in the presence of the Father? Would God ever give me a "Moses" type moment of showing me His glory? What does a future, resurrected body look like?
Am I were I should be or want to be in life, education, community? Am I truly content with where God has me now? How can I reconcile this struggle with contentment with a high view of God? What does this struggle say about how I view God? Why do I have this tertiary desire to disappear...to get away? Should I have taken that job as a park ranger in Whitefish, MT? Do I look good in olive & tan? Could I pull off a campaign hat?
What if God never chose me? Would I possibly have understood grace, forgiveness, or love?
What if I sinned less? Would I appreciate God's mercy more or less?
Why does loss bring discontent? Will gain bring contentment?
Can I really continue to trust the unseen? Do I practically live as if I trust God works all things together for good to those who are his adopted children?
Why do flannel shirts feel fantastically warm? Why can't I wear flannel in the summer as well? Could I market sleeveless flannel shirts for the summer to be coupled with board shorts, cabana hats, & velcro sandals w/black socks? But seriously, what would it take to make shirts that feel as lovely as flannel, but wouldn't make you sweat in the summer?
What is it about hours sitting around snow-ridden campfires, 6 mile hikes through ice & snow, and 2 1/2 days of male bonding that brings such joy? Was it complete irony that caused me to tweak my ankle in the last .3 miles of our 6miles hike (on level ground no less...sheesh)?
Why do I struggle in conversation with people I don't know? Why can I seemingly only concentrate on one conversation at a time when I'm in big groups?
Why do I trust others so easily, but not trust myself at all? Why do I tend to give my heart away so easily? Am I a masochist for heartache? Did I really use the term "masochist" in two separate posts within the same week? Do I need a Word of the Day Calendar to extend my vocabulary so I don't overuse the terms in different posts?
Can God really be enough? Do I practically believe this truth? Why do I often put people and things above him? Why am I seemingly more concerned with other's opinions than His?
What is it like to be in the presence of the Father? Would God ever give me a "Moses" type moment of showing me His glory? What does a future, resurrected body look like?
Am I were I should be or want to be in life, education, community? Am I truly content with where God has me now? How can I reconcile this struggle with contentment with a high view of God? What does this struggle say about how I view God? Why do I have this tertiary desire to disappear...to get away? Should I have taken that job as a park ranger in Whitefish, MT? Do I look good in olive & tan? Could I pull off a campaign hat?
Becoming a child with a burning heart...and by burning heart I don't mean susceptible to bouts of dyspepsia.
It seems like the same lesson is getting hammered in this week. But at times, I just need a refreshing reminder of an awesome truth. I know the word "awesome" is widely overused (including by me), but it's fitting. I was rereading Tozer's Pursuit of God earlier today...seriously, I think we're almost on double digits with this booklet, but it's weighty every time. So much highlighting in this thing & even more highlighting & notes today :)
That God so graciously sought me out when I was most unworthy is uncomprehensible. That He continues to pursue & spur me on to pursue Him back is mercy beyond my wildest imagination. Tozer so aptly describes the desire to pursue "To have found God and still to pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love scorned indeed by the too easily satisfied religionist, but justified in happy experience by the children of the burning heart." I find the longsuffering of God evident in allowing me to be a child that burns after Him...I can't explain it lately, but my passions so easily swayed recently have been anchored this whole time to the cornerstone which is Christ. I was wrestling through some things the other day, and starting to see myself discouraged when a friend so graciously said in passing "thank God that you're fighting it". He truly is benevolent to pursue me & prove a greater joy than what I think is best for me.
I'm amazed by the life of Moses in Exodus 33 when I just imagine the anguish & utterly dependent contrition when he exclaimed "Now therefore, if I have found favor in your sight, please show me now your ways, that I may know you in order to find favor in your sight." And when God grants his request...I love that Moses doesn't stop there, but continues to pursue God in saying "please show me your glory". It gives me chills to read that again...God that I would fight to know you. To trust your kindness to me in making me your own, that YOU ARE MAKING MY PATHS STRAIGHT when I stopping resting in me & lean on you! You would be ever faithful to incline your ear to my ramblings, groanings, and pleadings.
So what am I thankful for...He's given me a great family that loves and pursues Him. He's provided resources and opportunities for me to come in contact with people repeatedly over the last few weeks and opportunities to share the gospel (praying desperately for more), He was merciful to give my dad cancer and bring him back to the Father (sometimes we need a big push to pursue), that dad is rejoicing in the presence of the Savior now, He's been gracious to renew my love for teaching and placed me in a great school for the next week and a half. So much more, but I have a busy weekend ahead & need my beauty sleep (fyi, i will delete all comments mocking that phrase :)
Looking forward to a full weekend of solace, fresh air, and much exuberant male bonding...9 guys in a cabin in the woods with many much flannel wearing, beard toting (I've got quite the lumberjack look going...or Joaquin Phoenix as I've been told), grilling/drinking, hiking (sadly not much frozen waterfall climbing due to the recent heat wave), and I'm planning on much time to read, reflect, & continue to rest as I pursue my God...with several books in toe (always the case with me). My selections for the weekend are
Pursuit of God by Tozer
Meditations by Fenelon
What is the Gospel? by Gilbert
The Good News We Almost Forgot by DeYoung
Surprised by Hope by N.T. Wright
A Call to Die by Nasser
Digital Field Guide by J.D. Thomas (for my gently used, but newly acquired Nikon D80)
Hmmm...maybe I should bring a few more...jk. I may get to 1-2, but I'm (to a fault sometimes) always overprepared.
Wow, 6 posts in 6 days...didn't think I'd see the day...that'll end this weekend for sure. Listening to this a bit ago...love, love, love this truth.
That God so graciously sought me out when I was most unworthy is uncomprehensible. That He continues to pursue & spur me on to pursue Him back is mercy beyond my wildest imagination. Tozer so aptly describes the desire to pursue "To have found God and still to pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love scorned indeed by the too easily satisfied religionist, but justified in happy experience by the children of the burning heart." I find the longsuffering of God evident in allowing me to be a child that burns after Him...I can't explain it lately, but my passions so easily swayed recently have been anchored this whole time to the cornerstone which is Christ. I was wrestling through some things the other day, and starting to see myself discouraged when a friend so graciously said in passing "thank God that you're fighting it". He truly is benevolent to pursue me & prove a greater joy than what I think is best for me.
I'm amazed by the life of Moses in Exodus 33 when I just imagine the anguish & utterly dependent contrition when he exclaimed "Now therefore, if I have found favor in your sight, please show me now your ways, that I may know you in order to find favor in your sight." And when God grants his request...I love that Moses doesn't stop there, but continues to pursue God in saying "please show me your glory". It gives me chills to read that again...God that I would fight to know you. To trust your kindness to me in making me your own, that YOU ARE MAKING MY PATHS STRAIGHT when I stopping resting in me & lean on you! You would be ever faithful to incline your ear to my ramblings, groanings, and pleadings.
So what am I thankful for...He's given me a great family that loves and pursues Him. He's provided resources and opportunities for me to come in contact with people repeatedly over the last few weeks and opportunities to share the gospel (praying desperately for more), He was merciful to give my dad cancer and bring him back to the Father (sometimes we need a big push to pursue), that dad is rejoicing in the presence of the Savior now, He's been gracious to renew my love for teaching and placed me in a great school for the next week and a half. So much more, but I have a busy weekend ahead & need my beauty sleep (fyi, i will delete all comments mocking that phrase :)
Looking forward to a full weekend of solace, fresh air, and much exuberant male bonding...9 guys in a cabin in the woods with many much flannel wearing, beard toting (I've got quite the lumberjack look going...or Joaquin Phoenix as I've been told), grilling/drinking, hiking (sadly not much frozen waterfall climbing due to the recent heat wave), and I'm planning on much time to read, reflect, & continue to rest as I pursue my God...with several books in toe (always the case with me). My selections for the weekend are
Pursuit of God by Tozer
Meditations by Fenelon
What is the Gospel? by Gilbert
The Good News We Almost Forgot by DeYoung
Surprised by Hope by N.T. Wright
A Call to Die by Nasser
Digital Field Guide by J.D. Thomas (for my gently used, but newly acquired Nikon D80)
Hmmm...maybe I should bring a few more...jk. I may get to 1-2, but I'm (to a fault sometimes) always overprepared.
Wow, 6 posts in 6 days...didn't think I'd see the day...that'll end this weekend for sure. Listening to this a bit ago...love, love, love this truth.
Here's to Hoping that Spring will swap Snow for Leaves...
Seriously...again. I'm learning to "consider it a great joy", but why am I surrounded by memories. She's several hundred miles away...yet, I'm continually reminded. Let me give the back story...so I had brought several cds when I visited around Thanksgiving for her to listen to (and made her a cd of some of my fav. Sovereign Grace songs). Music is a large part of my life...a significant way that I worship & meditate on God is through music and I wanted her to be familiar with a significant part of my life. And since I never use cds except to burn them to my hard drive, I don't mind lending them out indefinitely (I've done it several times before). Well, the last time we saw each other she had given me some of them back in a bag before I left. It wasn't until today when I was going through papers on my desk that I decided to finally put them away. I found in the bag a burned cd of Christmas songs...now, I don't know if it was made for me or was given to her by someone else & was accidentally placed there bc she was listening to the one's in the bag too. Maybe, it was the thought that it might have been intentional or just thoughts of her that came flooding back...seriously, I thought I'd cried enough last week.
Maybe it's the words written in a 4mth old journal that was under a stack of papers on my desk. Words that I had written about her, about us, about what God was teaching me about her and us, lists of the things she liked/disliked, date ideas, things we could do together, dreams of what could be... And I can't bear to throw it away yet...maybe someday I'll be strong enough.
Maybe it's the fact that some of my favorite artists are Mumford & Sons, Mat Kearney, and the Civil Wars...and songs like "Winter Winds", "White Blank Page", "Breathe In, Breathe Out", "All I Have", "Falling", "C'est la Mort" keep playing in my speakers...
Have to share this video...given to me by a friend 8mths ago when I was in a similar, but not equal circumstance. I love the intention of holding back...when so rarely I listen to my heart, and I jump full in...
Maybe it's knowing the concert that I'm going to tonight is something I know she would enjoy as well...
Maybe it's me finally coming to the realization that it's okay to question...it's okay to be "not okay" for a bit...it's okay to react emotionally as long as those emotions don't drive me...it's okay to not have it all together...it's okay to not be what someone else is looking for...it's okay to cry, still...it's okay to just have God & learn that He alone is enough (it may be slow...but as long as I realize all I need is Him)...more than enough
Ps. 119:25-28 is my prayer in this moment...and God is faithful to not "maybe", but "definitely" answer...
"I am laid low in the dust;
preserve my life according to your word.
I gave an account of my ways and you answered me;
teach me your decrees.
Cause me to understand the way of your precepts,
that I may meditate on your wonderful deeds.
My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word." - Ps. 119: 25-28
Maybe it's the words written in a 4mth old journal that was under a stack of papers on my desk. Words that I had written about her, about us, about what God was teaching me about her and us, lists of the things she liked/disliked, date ideas, things we could do together, dreams of what could be... And I can't bear to throw it away yet...maybe someday I'll be strong enough.
Maybe it's the fact that some of my favorite artists are Mumford & Sons, Mat Kearney, and the Civil Wars...and songs like "Winter Winds", "White Blank Page", "Breathe In, Breathe Out", "All I Have", "Falling", "C'est la Mort" keep playing in my speakers...
Have to share this video...given to me by a friend 8mths ago when I was in a similar, but not equal circumstance. I love the intention of holding back...when so rarely I listen to my heart, and I jump full in...
Maybe it's knowing the concert that I'm going to tonight is something I know she would enjoy as well...
Maybe it's me finally coming to the realization that it's okay to question...it's okay to be "not okay" for a bit...it's okay to react emotionally as long as those emotions don't drive me...it's okay to not have it all together...it's okay to not be what someone else is looking for...it's okay to cry, still...it's okay to just have God & learn that He alone is enough (it may be slow...but as long as I realize all I need is Him)...more than enough
Ps. 119:25-28 is my prayer in this moment...and God is faithful to not "maybe", but "definitely" answer...
"I am laid low in the dust;
preserve my life according to your word.
I gave an account of my ways and you answered me;
teach me your decrees.
Cause me to understand the way of your precepts,
that I may meditate on your wonderful deeds.
My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word." - Ps. 119: 25-28
Joy...seriously...Joy
"Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing." (HCSB)
So the book of James has been kicking my tuchis recently. And I started over again today only to run into the wall that is vs. 2. I love how James never pulls punches, but gets to the point. As a "slave of Christ", he doesn't see a need to mince words or shy away from a difficult truth. "Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials." wait, WHAT! you have got to be joking...what person (outside of a masochist) would find joy in a painful or discomforting situation? What person in their right mind would put themselves in harm's way to begin with, but in the process be able to see it as a joy-filled situation? "consider it a great joy"...wow...I love that James knows he must be talking to "brothers". Only the redeemed can truly understand joy in trial.
Today was a hard day...not because of work, the kids today, etc. It was a half-day in an autism support room that I've been to several times before (so I must enjoy it). Just little things made me think of her...like the student's worksheet today that was based on the Chronicles of Narnia, the student's exuberant excitement over receiving stickers on their papers, the main character in the story we read together today had her name, and spending the last 1/2hr with the kids watching "UP" (one of her favorites). I miss the times we read together, the little things that she'd tell me that caused me to grow fond of her, just the joy in saying her name, and spending time just watching movies & holding her hand...just being together. My heart starts to hurt knowing I most likely will never hear her voice again, that I no longer get to find joy in getting to learn about the "little things" (the things she thought were insignificant or even odd about her, but to me were adorable), no more lighting up when she calls and her name comes up on my phone or skype because her name doesn't come up anymore, and just plain missing that person...for them & nothing more than you enjoy them.
Then, I look at my today and really ponder it; it makes me think "if that's my trial right now, unrequited affection. Knowing that somebody doesn't feel the same way romantically or relationally that I do with them. If that's the most difficult (no matter how much it hurts my heart at times) situation, that God is allowing in my life at this moment. Wow, God's gracious!" And even if it wasn't the most difficult situation...even if I really was under "various trials" like persecution, famine, imminent peril, nakedness, desolation, financial ruin, sickness like cancer, and even possible death, God would still be gracious.
I was rereading Dever's section on James in "The Message of the New Testament" and he references vs. 2-15 listing four reasons why James says we can "Consider it a great joy...when you experience various trials".
1) to produce maturity in the Christian.
"because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (vs. 3-4 NIV)
There's a progression in this sanctification, and it's a maturity born out of adversity. Like the runner who trains and trains for a marathon (hopefully by next year...it's on my bucket list), by spending hours and hours building up to a better mile time, sacrificing momentary pleasures to learn how to endure under the pain that a marathon can bring, and experience the joy of reaching a goal/finishing a race.
2) to cause us to depend more on God
"Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives to all generously and without criticizing, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith without doubting. For the doubter is like the surging sea, driven and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. An indecisive man is unstable in all his ways." (vs. 5-8 HCSB)
I appreciate the way Mark puts it "Yet in his kindness and love, God puts us in trials and circumstances in which we have no option but to trust him. And that is when we learn we can trust him, and we grow." And "ironically" he uses John 6:68 (what knocked the wind out of me late last night) to say like Peter "we have no other option but to trust you!" The lesson comes in relinquishing what I think are "needs" or "rights" or what I think I'm entitled to...it's all His, and I'm encouraged anew to lean on Him.
3)to realize that this life (and trials) will pass
"The brother of humble circumstances should boast in his exaltation; but the one who is rich [should boast] in his humiliation, because he will pass away like a flower of the field. For the sun rises with its scorching heat and dries up the grass; its flower falls off, and its beautiful appearance is destroyed. In the same way, the rich man will wither away while pursuing his activities. Blessed is a man who endures trials, because when he passes the test he will receive the crown of life that He has promised to those who love Him." (vs. 9-12 HCSB)
His ways are not our ways. Who he exalts and humiliates. But His promises are true and are ringing true in my ears now. The futility of this life should be a grand reminder of my needed allegiance to the Father and trust in His purposes.
4) to unfold promises that trials are a part of God's purposes
"When tempted, no one should say, 'God is tempting me.' For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." (vs. 13-15 ESV)
I don't know what God is intending with the loss of this relationship, but getting to put more trust in Him for what I cannot immediately see is refreshing. I may still wander and question (though I'm constantly being reminded that I don't have to have answers to trust), but it does bring to realize that at the moment I'm not trusting and my emotions are controlling me.
I love the way M. Dever puts it:
"James calls us to embrace our trials by considering them 'all joy.' That does not mean we pretend they are not trials. It simply means we do not let our understanding of them ultimately be determined by how they feel at first. If something feels hard or bad at first, we will react to it negatively. That is only natural. But the strange and wonderful thing is, God in his sovereign love again and again uses those things that feel bad at first to teach us to trust Him."
He continues by aptly describing our emotions as a tail or crosswind to an airplane:
"One the one hand, emotions can be extremely helpful. On the other hand, trials can produce winds of emotion that feel like headwinds or even crosswinds. So we cannot take our directions from our emotions. We have to take our direction from God and the truth of what he has told us to do in Scripture. And as we see trials strengthen our faith and so prove God's faithfulness, a new emotion, indeed something deeper than an emotion, will emerge--joy! Now that's a tailwind!"
Joy from trial...to mature, redirect affection, bring to worship the Father, reflect on the finite measure of the trial, and focus on the future good that God is working out for His children.
Joy...seriously...Joy. Joy when I read of God's unending love for me His child, when I find glimpses of Him in the seemingly, ordinary "little things" that cause me to grow more fond of Him, when I get the express privilege to say His name like honey on my lips as I sing w/uplifted hands while tears stream down, when I get to spend time telling Him all my sorrows and heartaches and joys and fears and dreams and desires...and even though I can't see Him either, He's with me and I get to just Be with Him.
Seriously...joy...yah, joy!
So the book of James has been kicking my tuchis recently. And I started over again today only to run into the wall that is vs. 2. I love how James never pulls punches, but gets to the point. As a "slave of Christ", he doesn't see a need to mince words or shy away from a difficult truth. "Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials." wait, WHAT! you have got to be joking...what person (outside of a masochist) would find joy in a painful or discomforting situation? What person in their right mind would put themselves in harm's way to begin with, but in the process be able to see it as a joy-filled situation? "consider it a great joy"...wow...I love that James knows he must be talking to "brothers". Only the redeemed can truly understand joy in trial.
Today was a hard day...not because of work, the kids today, etc. It was a half-day in an autism support room that I've been to several times before (so I must enjoy it). Just little things made me think of her...like the student's worksheet today that was based on the Chronicles of Narnia, the student's exuberant excitement over receiving stickers on their papers, the main character in the story we read together today had her name, and spending the last 1/2hr with the kids watching "UP" (one of her favorites). I miss the times we read together, the little things that she'd tell me that caused me to grow fond of her, just the joy in saying her name, and spending time just watching movies & holding her hand...just being together. My heart starts to hurt knowing I most likely will never hear her voice again, that I no longer get to find joy in getting to learn about the "little things" (the things she thought were insignificant or even odd about her, but to me were adorable), no more lighting up when she calls and her name comes up on my phone or skype because her name doesn't come up anymore, and just plain missing that person...for them & nothing more than you enjoy them.
Then, I look at my today and really ponder it; it makes me think "if that's my trial right now, unrequited affection. Knowing that somebody doesn't feel the same way romantically or relationally that I do with them. If that's the most difficult (no matter how much it hurts my heart at times) situation, that God is allowing in my life at this moment. Wow, God's gracious!" And even if it wasn't the most difficult situation...even if I really was under "various trials" like persecution, famine, imminent peril, nakedness, desolation, financial ruin, sickness like cancer, and even possible death, God would still be gracious.
I was rereading Dever's section on James in "The Message of the New Testament" and he references vs. 2-15 listing four reasons why James says we can "Consider it a great joy...when you experience various trials".
1) to produce maturity in the Christian.
"because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (vs. 3-4 NIV)
There's a progression in this sanctification, and it's a maturity born out of adversity. Like the runner who trains and trains for a marathon (hopefully by next year...it's on my bucket list), by spending hours and hours building up to a better mile time, sacrificing momentary pleasures to learn how to endure under the pain that a marathon can bring, and experience the joy of reaching a goal/finishing a race.
2) to cause us to depend more on God
"Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives to all generously and without criticizing, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith without doubting. For the doubter is like the surging sea, driven and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. An indecisive man is unstable in all his ways." (vs. 5-8 HCSB)
I appreciate the way Mark puts it "Yet in his kindness and love, God puts us in trials and circumstances in which we have no option but to trust him. And that is when we learn we can trust him, and we grow." And "ironically" he uses John 6:68 (what knocked the wind out of me late last night) to say like Peter "we have no other option but to trust you!" The lesson comes in relinquishing what I think are "needs" or "rights" or what I think I'm entitled to...it's all His, and I'm encouraged anew to lean on Him.
3)to realize that this life (and trials) will pass
"The brother of humble circumstances should boast in his exaltation; but the one who is rich [should boast] in his humiliation, because he will pass away like a flower of the field. For the sun rises with its scorching heat and dries up the grass; its flower falls off, and its beautiful appearance is destroyed. In the same way, the rich man will wither away while pursuing his activities. Blessed is a man who endures trials, because when he passes the test he will receive the crown of life that He has promised to those who love Him." (vs. 9-12 HCSB)
His ways are not our ways. Who he exalts and humiliates. But His promises are true and are ringing true in my ears now. The futility of this life should be a grand reminder of my needed allegiance to the Father and trust in His purposes.
4) to unfold promises that trials are a part of God's purposes
"When tempted, no one should say, 'God is tempting me.' For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." (vs. 13-15 ESV)
I don't know what God is intending with the loss of this relationship, but getting to put more trust in Him for what I cannot immediately see is refreshing. I may still wander and question (though I'm constantly being reminded that I don't have to have answers to trust), but it does bring to realize that at the moment I'm not trusting and my emotions are controlling me.
I love the way M. Dever puts it:
"James calls us to embrace our trials by considering them 'all joy.' That does not mean we pretend they are not trials. It simply means we do not let our understanding of them ultimately be determined by how they feel at first. If something feels hard or bad at first, we will react to it negatively. That is only natural. But the strange and wonderful thing is, God in his sovereign love again and again uses those things that feel bad at first to teach us to trust Him."
He continues by aptly describing our emotions as a tail or crosswind to an airplane:
"One the one hand, emotions can be extremely helpful. On the other hand, trials can produce winds of emotion that feel like headwinds or even crosswinds. So we cannot take our directions from our emotions. We have to take our direction from God and the truth of what he has told us to do in Scripture. And as we see trials strengthen our faith and so prove God's faithfulness, a new emotion, indeed something deeper than an emotion, will emerge--joy! Now that's a tailwind!"
Joy from trial...to mature, redirect affection, bring to worship the Father, reflect on the finite measure of the trial, and focus on the future good that God is working out for His children.
Joy...seriously...Joy. Joy when I read of God's unending love for me His child, when I find glimpses of Him in the seemingly, ordinary "little things" that cause me to grow more fond of Him, when I get the express privilege to say His name like honey on my lips as I sing w/uplifted hands while tears stream down, when I get to spend time telling Him all my sorrows and heartaches and joys and fears and dreams and desires...and even though I can't see Him either, He's with me and I get to just Be with Him.
Seriously...joy...yah, joy!
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